AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

Then when you saw them you should have looked as wounded as possible and said 'You've really disappointed me, girls. I've always thought you were nice people but I can see now that you are not. I'm going to have to tell your dad, obviously.'

Thats not much better than the OP answer!
Generalisation about them not being nice people from one incident, shaming…. Not sure that’s the best parenting moment either.

Nope. They went running to their dad as soon as they realised they had been heard. One reason and one reason only - to get their side of the story in first. And if this is what they said then if not an outright lie, then certainly a lie by omission. They clearly didn’t tell him that OP was responding to the comment she overheard.

only a minority of people wear only a bikini or underwear (eg boxer shorts for men) at home. Many teens are uncomfortable with a parent doing that & even more so step parent.

You talk of doing it as a new thing because you ‘feel more confident’ after weight loss. Inconsiderate.

It can be triggering for people with EDs to be around others seeking to lose weight, talk about weight loss, jabs etc

I have no issue with there being a response but it's the type of response OP gave and with which she wants to follow that I have a problem.
Her 'my house' comments are telling, especially when she acknowledges that having married a man with 2 children, it is also now his house.

They were being little bitches and got called out. It’s often normal for teenage girls but it doesn’t mean they can’t get called out on it. To those saying that it’s their home and safe space and they should feel at home there, doesn’t this apply to OP who owned the house before even meeting her husband. She should be able to wear a bikini in her own home without now feeling she has to cover up because the step daughters are making horrible comments.

I don’t think you can tell them to stop visiting though. If you know you want a day completely on your own, and your husband is out, it’s ok to message and say you’re busy and they can’t go over on that day.

Agree. They’re young people. Your DH’s young people. You smirking has probably put the kibosh on any future relationship you might have with them.

Then they should give the OP their house keys back and only visit when their dad is there. It’s her home - why shouldn’t she be comfortable and confident in it, wearing whatever she wants. This is taking pandering to extremes. God knows what kind of adults these teens are going to make if everyone keeps giving them a free pass with whatever ‘triggers’ them.

Dont blame you op they were incredibly hurtful and if DSD2 was in turn hurt by your comment (that highlighted how shitty she treated you) thats too bad. Although tbh id have outright said "I just heard your comments, you need to go now"

And your DH is a twat.

Congratulations on your weight loss I bet you look and feel fantastic 😊

It’s either meant to be the DCs’ home, or it isn’t, it’s yours and their father’s but not theirs.

I think it went wrong when you made the comment about covering up, which let her know you’d heard her and also that it affected you. She then went further with her nastiness by using that against you and potentially harming your relationship. You’d have been better off staying quiet and remaining in your confidence and maturity as an adult woman. You know what you heard and you know it shouldn’t bother you.

These are two young girls who are at a stage in their life where they are very insecure, and that leads them to be both cruel and vindictive in order to feel better. You being the other woman in their dad’s life can make you a natural potential target for their aggression and, while it was wrong what she said, the best thing for you would have been to stay silent because you are more confident than that and you know life will teach her!

I hope you get a peaceful resolution to what’s happened OP, but going forward remember you are the mature adult woman they haven’t become yet - model that to them and don’t take the bait 🙂💖

@ThreadGuardDog or OP could refrain from wearing her bikini at home, for the teens’ sake.

And these young people were given a house key to visit, even if DH wasn’t there. OP is clearly welcoming and generous, and they have abused it. They couldn’t even be bothered to make sure they were out of earshot. So disrespectful.

maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin.

They were teens talking in private. That's really not horrible. People comment on how other people look. Look at the comments on ugly feet in sandals.

OP was feeling good and the remark took the wind out of her sails and she reacted spitefully. The daughter likely thought the remark was aimed at her and hopefully she's not triggered by what OP said.

I also think OP not regretting her overreaction and response and trying to double down by banning her husband's kids from visiting without her approval is a nuclear response and much more likely to harm her relationships with her husband and stepdaughters permanently.

It's so pathetic how so many posters want the OP to 'ignore' shit behaviour or 'be the bigger person' or 'have a grown up conversation about it.'

Women have been conditioned to be silent for years.
I would've bit back too OP, like you, I have a bit of a backbone.

YABU to ban them coming but if they want to act like kids they can get treated like kids.

Good on you for standing up to them. Little shits.

It must be exhausting living in your head and seeing things in such dramatic and paranoid terms.

Will you let it go about stepmums? You're all over this thread commenting the same thing over and over.

I even said I didn't like it when my mom was undressed at home, and yes if I was in a dressing gown I'd get dressed if I had guests.

I was just offering some reasons, it probably wasn't to do with OPs body just their discomfort with someone being barely dressed.

So what if they deny it. It happened, they need to be spoke to but OP should also apologise

Let me get that right…..

You think that teenagers have a rigut to dictate what parents do in their own house?
Is that just about wearing bikini or does it apply to other things? Like drinking? Watching certain TV programs? What clothes people wear in general (nope that skirt is too short and no dad you can’t wear this tshirt, it’s too tight)

Im sorry but if my teenage children had told me to stop wearing a bikini in my own house, I’d have to,pld them to fuck off. If it’s good enough to wear in a beach surrounded by strangers, it’s good enough to wear at home/garden

Agree with this totally You overheard a silly comment and took it to heart you acted like a teenager

I think you did the right thing and I would wonder what else they say behind your back. I would take their keys back and stop giving them access to your home and garden.

Actions have consequences. Nasty creatures.

At 16 & 18 they are old enough to realise that making rude comments about the way someone looks is out of order, that’s probably why they stormed out, and are embarrassed they were overheard. I’d expect an apology from them.

But the teenagers in this case aren’t guests are they? Theyre family members.

And a bikini isn’t the same as Underwear.
You don’t wear underwear on a beach. You do wear a bikini though.

So is everyone supposed to carry on having diabetes and carrying a heart attack risk then?

No, he shouldn't be taking sides. He has had two children for longer than his current wife and those children have gone through a marriage break up, so he needs to consider all parties.

they all need to grow up