AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

Except that OP isn’t trying to ban them from seeing their father. They have house keys and drop by unannounced, including when he isn’t there. Now she knows how they view her I don’t blame her for wanting that stopped. I wouldn’t be nearly so welcoming after hearing something like that. And the house keys would be taken back pronto.

I'm glad he knows you're not lying as I would have found it totally unacceptable on his part if he'd believed them over you.

The lying about you to cover up their bitchy comments is the worst part for me.

Tackling hurtful behaviour with passive aggression is never the right thing to do. Especially here, as they're children and one of them has a skewed perception of what healthy looks like.

Why couldn't you just address it properly and tell them what they were saying was nasty, hurtful and unnecessary?

Do you then ensure you are always fully clothed when you believe you are alone in your home, on the chance that someone might arrive and let themselves in?

it sounds like you’re suggesting that’s what the OP should have done, since the teens dropped by unannounced

She's too upset to talk about it is she? Another way to avoid accountability as well as outright lying about you.

Appropriate meaning appropriate for the situation... she's not at the beach!

Fgs it’s the op’s OWN HOME. That she had before she married their father. The dsds live with their mum. Is she really supposed to spend all her time at home fully covered up just in case the girls drop by?? (And of course no parent, and certainly not a step parent, can criticise the teenagers’ clothes - see another thread from a mum of a 14 yo)

I never mentioned age. It's not about older or younger or how people's bodies look, it's just uncomfortable when someone is barely dressed in an unusual context.

If a man was sitting around in speedos around his stepchildren all the time because he'd been going to the gym and feeling confident, people would not be pretending it doesn't make others uncomfortable

I think this is something that posters are deliberately missing. The girls have house keys and arrive unannounced even when DH isn’t there. Why on earth should OP stay covered up in case they visit out of the blue. I know MN hates step parents but I think we’ve sunk to a new low if we expect them to be in a constant state of alert and appropriately dressed in case these precious kids want to grace them with their presence, and are too fragile to be confronted by them in a bikini, in their own home, in the summer. MN loses its’ collective mind when it comes to step children.

I feel for her having an ED (been there many times) but that does not mean she can behave like a small child and sulk.
As adults, and she’s on her way there, she needs to apologise.
Many fathers in these situations who feel guilty over divorce will literally do and say anything to avoid this and it doesn’t help.
Maybe the OP snapped a bit but she’s a human being and it is her home.

Too upset to talk about it, or giving herself time to work out what version doesn’t paint her in a bad light.

If she has an eating disorder she should know better than to make nasty comments relating to weight and someone else’s body.

Unless she makes a fulsome apology very soon you are perfectly entitled to say you don’t want to be subject to bitchy comments in your own home and say they are not to turn up unannounced as you don’t want to feel you have to cover up in the privacy of your own home in case your body offends them.

Her eating disorder is not an excuse and it’s not good for her to be encouraged to think she can use it as an excuse. I hope you make both those points to your husband and I agree with a PP you have a DH problem.

Perhaps, however, they're 16 and 18. And they lied about it.

Op was in her own back garden. A bikini is perfectly appropriate.

You're supposed to be the grown up. All you had to say was "you know I heard what you said about me. That wasn't nice, don't insult me in my own home again" and leave it at that.

Not these immature, passive aggressive mind games that are open to misinterpretation.

It depends. If he was sitting in his speedos in his own home in the garden, in the summer, and his kids chose to drop by unannounced, I’d expect them to take him as they found him.

And a bikini is not ‘barely dressed’. And definitely not in the privacy of your own home.

So it’s ok to talk negatively about people and their bodies provided they don’t hear?
You would think considering one of them is in recovery from an eating disorder they’d be a little less judgmental about someone’s body

Yes, they said bitchy things but that shouldn't be countered by an adult (10-20 years older than them?) making smirking passive aggressive remarks. An adult should just explain they heard what was said and was hurt by the remarks. OP showed herself as no more grown up than the two girls.

You can have that opinion. I have mine and was just explaining why I think the girls said what they said.

Yes it was unkind, but teens aren't known for being sensitive to the feelings of others.

You were feeling good about your body. Nothing has changed about your body. You don't need to feel uncomfortable. Recognise that this has most likely touched a nerve because you are not quite as confident in your body as you thought, and that hurts. We are all sensitive where we have insecurities.

One bitchy comment does not mean they don't like you. And their version of what happened likely just comes from embarrassment at being caught out. The slightly more adult version of a toddler's "I didn't do it".

Favourite saying: Other people's opinions are like arseholes - everyone has one and you don't need to listen to them.

Take a deep breath, and just let it go. Everyone has said something unkind at some point in their lives. Teens have a very particular world view. As you said, when they're older, they'll have bodies that have changed as well. But they can't imagine that right now.

Get on with sitting in your garden in whatever clothing you like, and letting comments like this slide off, because they say far more about the speaker than they do about you.

Smirked…. You’re as bad as they are OP

What was open to misinterpretation ? OP let them know in no uncertain terms that she overheard what they said. Why else would they flounce out of the house and go running to their dad with excuses ?

I appreciate that was your kneejerk reaction, but what you do now is not. You’ve had time to reflect, and they only sensible mature thing to do would be to apologise for the passive aggressiveness and the smirking and say that you’re sorry you did that, but you were hurt by their comments. Unless they’re absolute bitches, this will result in them apologising back to you, and you can all move on. The fact that you are wanting to immediately ban them from coming around unannounced, and start making up stories about being busy because you want to wear your bikini is just perpetuating the childishness.

I speak as someone who sometimes responds emotionally and sulkily, and honestly the quickest way to mend things is to acknowledge what you’ve done and be honest.

Exactly.

As ever, my takeaway from these step parent threads is never let some homeless bloke with baggage play house in your home.

I don’t know OP, if they have been bitchy and now they are making it look as if you were the bitchy one and one of them is the victim of an “unprovoked attack”, with no acknowledgement to their nasty behaviour and your husband needs to check on them to see if you are telling the truth…

I wouldn’t like them around either when there are no “witnesses” around. What if they accuse you of something worse??? I wouldn’t be “punishing the bitchy comment” just protecting myself from serious misunderstandings where you can be accused by either or both parents of making things worse for a teen with ED who seems fit to make jokes about another woman’s body with no concern for her feelings.

So in order to protect everyone, everyone is welcome when their dad is around. Period.