AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

[UnflatteringComment]

Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

Totally agree. He should be backing you up.

What I get from this is that your DH immediately assumes you are lying.

‘Unannounced visits’ it is their home right? They are children. You can’t see that you’ve done anything wrong, but you have. You’re gloating that you got the last word in, retaliated. What you should have done is said nothing and then later said ‘I heard you discussing how I look, it was really hurtful so please don’t do it again’.

Also, personally think it’s strange to be in a bikini at home, so I can see why they thought it was a bit much. If I had a pool maybe…!

I think it probably made them uncomfortable that you were walking around in a bikini, rightly or wrongly. I never liked my mom sunbathing topless, and she's my actual mom.

What they said was a way of expressing that amongst themselves, maybe thinking you would hear and cover up.

Nope, criticising an adult’s body is not something my 3 teens would do. Not all teens are bitchy. Yes I’ve met some - they’re usually the bullies who have parents who support them because they’d rather they were bullies than be bullied.

Yep. I took part in that one. I left the thread when a poster said her adult son had been embarrassed by the amount of flesh on display from a young girl - the daughter of a friend - wearing very short shorts at a bowling alley, and the depressingly predictable comments that her son was a perv for looking started rolling in. Apparently young people should have a free pass for everything nowadays. I’m bracing myself for the result - a slew of rude and entitled adults with absolutely no boundaries and no self awareness.

Sorry YABU.

On the comments, I would have either ignored it completely or said something direct, like “I heard what you said earlier, not that I’m going to stop dressing how I like but it’s a bit off criticising someone in their own home”. Chances are she’d have apologised and the whole thing would havd blown over. I might have asked my DH to have a word if it kept happening.

Either way though, the need is to improve their attitude and cutting them off from their dad isn’t the answer.

Hopefully they at least learned if they want to make spiteful comments be sure its out of earshot and preferably don’t make them at all.

16 and 18 are not the brain dead teens they likely were at 13/14 - they are young adults with voting rights and the matching responsibilities. No they are not fully mature but they are far enough along that path to accept responsibility when they are bloody rude and inconsiderate.
They were bitching about their stepmother in her own home having accepted her hospitality. I would not have tolerated that from my own DC at that age, I would have been more blunt about it but then I wasn’t their step mother, required to put up with any amount of shit from DC because “I knew what I was getting into”.

If they want to use their Dad’s home as their own home then part of that is basic manners to their step mother whose home it also is, not go whining to Dad everytime their SM declines to put up with rude and inconsiderate behaviour.

Apparently dsd2 is still too upset to talk about it so he hasn’t even been able to find out her side. He said he knows I’m not lying but he wants to give them the opportunity to give their side before he decides how to approach it.

Or they’ve ruined it by being bitchy and rude??

I mean who in earth thinks it’s ok to say that about anyone, let alone a family member?

I think your response was quite mild OP and called them out on their rudeness. To those saying she should not have bought up body image - she didn’t - they started discussing her body and ‘loose skin’. Having an eating disorder doesn’t give you a pass to be a bitch with no consequences. Yes, they are ‘only’ teenagers - i.e. one is an adult already and the other not far off - more than old enough to know better. I’d be facing this one down with your DH if he criticises: THEY brought up body image, THEY were rude to YOU. If they don’t like it, moral is don’t come round and bitch about the host in her own home.
But you would be unreasonable to ban them - it is their father’s home (Unless you decide the solution is to no longer live together). But feel free to call them on any further nasty crap they pull.

I cant work out if people are misreading the original post here. The OP didnt comment on her stepdaughter's body in any way. She said she'd cover up her OWN loose skin. Referencing what the girl had said. If that is somehow triggering to the girl, she shouldnt have made the original comment! Mental illness shouldn't be used as an excuse for every bad behaviour under the sun.

It's wrongly. They arrived when she was in a bikini. If they're uncomfortable then they can go back to their mum's.

They are old enough to know better and that bitchiness has consequences but if you ban them then you start a family war.

This in buckets.

Anyone who has ever had a relative, loved one or even acquaintance, suffer from an ED would know this.

Yep, this is where the stepdaughter has lied that the OP started talking about loose skin (general) and "looked her up and down".

They currently see your house (their dad’s house) as their house, a family house. It’s really sad you want to take that away from them because they’ve said something hurtful. You’re reacting to them in a really immature way. Adolescents need parenting and that was a good opportunity to do so, but you missed it. Don’t amp up the drama and make it worse.

@UnflatteringComment your reaction was PA but tbh it was also an answer most people wouldn’t have been shocked about.
They were very rude and you let them know you heard.

What I’m not quite sure is why you’re now feeling uncomfortable with them being there wo dh?
what is it that makes you uncomfortable? Do you think them making disparaging comment about you is actually the norm? You don’t feel you can tell them off when they’re rude?

Just saying they can’t turn up when they want will just look like a punishment. Which it is tbh.
Whatever now makes you feel uncomfortable needs to be addressed though

You said what you said, it sounds to me like you were just trying to let them know you'd heard - In hindsight it didn't land well but honestly I don't think it was inherently bad.

The issue is how your DSD has interpreted what you said - someone with a history of ED will almost always think you're commenting on them because their light is always shining inwards. I don't think she's trying to stir trouble, more she genuinely thought you were making a dig and this has triggered all her anxieties.

That needs mending, but it doesn't make you the villain here.

You shouldn't have made a passive aggressive comment like that and smirked. She got the wrong end of the stick and thought you were referring to her.

You should have shouted from the garden 'I can hear you, you know. I hope you are not this bitchy to your friends behind their backs.'

Then when you saw them you should have looked as wounded as possible and said 'You've really disappointed me, girls. I've always thought you were nice people but I can see now that you are not. I'm going to have to tell your dad, obviously.'

And just stalked off.

That’s her step daughter’s perception. People misinterpret and misperceive things all the time. Branding her a liar is such a wild and overly dramatic take.

FFS, now I’ve heard it all. This is OP’s home !! These girls have keys to the house and drop by unannounced even when their dad isn’t home. If that’s the arrangement then they take people as they find them - or is it your opinion that because OP is a step mum, she shouldn’t be able to relax in her own home for fear she might cause her DSD’s offence ?? If their intention was for OP to hear and cover up then there is a simple solution. Take back the keys and give OP the choice as to whether they can come in when their dad isn’t there.

I’m not surprised you don’t feel like having them back round @UnflatteringComment - the rudeness of slagging someone off in their own home is intolerable. Your DH better have your back on this one. Good for you for calling it out.

They were unkind , the OP was sarcastic and it’s back fired as I doubt she will need to ‘ban’ them ,I reckon they will never come again which may have a knock on effect with her marriage.

Yeah, this isn’t great.

Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!! Surely the default response would be to tell you that his DD had told him you’d done that and he’s phoning to find out what happened before automatically accusing you?

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story He’s already had their side of the story. That’s what he used to accuse you of being awful to his daughters. What he should have said was ‘right, now I understand, thank you for explaining. I need to talk to DD and then we can sort this out before it escalates’.