AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

Did you read the post? It was her house until they married and why should they be able to hang out in the house and be rude to the op? They have a house with their mother they can hang out there

they can hang out at ‘dads’ which also includes the op when dad is there

I doubt DD’s lying - they both agree OP “smirked” and if DD claims OP looked her up and down - well maybe she did - perhaps that was her revenge. Or perhaps OP didn’t mean to but that’s how DD interpreted it.

What?? Have I read something totally different? These teenage girls were being grade A bitches and the OP rightly called them out. They’ve gone running to Daddy to get their story in first as they know they’re in the wrong. Stand up for yourself OP. It would be wrong to ban them but let your DH know that you’re not going to lie down and take insults.

Was your response mature? No . But the kids are old enough to know not to be cruel. The one with the ED should know more than anyone how comments can be viewed.

If they can’t respect you, in your own home, then they loose unrestricted access. I’d be telling DH that they don’t come over on days he isn’t there .

Now he can try and smooth the waters and get them to apologise but if he is still waiting for his daughters side then I’m going to assume he’s like alot of men on here who let their kids treat their partner like rubbish. If that’s the case- stand firm.

Well done on the weight loss.

They omitted that they had been talking behind OP’s back and made it look as though her comment had come out of the blue. That’s the same as lying.

But she was rude back 🤣 if you are an adult telling off teenagers then you have to choose the high road or you have no legs to stand on.

Because she married their dad and they come as a package. If she didn’t want teens in her house she should have married someone else.

Exactly.

YABU and childish too. You should have behaved as the adult in this situation and said nothing. It’s not that hard to play the grown up. 🤷🏻‍♀️

As long as their father lives there, it is their home too and they are free to come and go without restraint.

He needs to actually parent. If they are making rude comments about someone’s body, that should be addressed.

If you are unhappy with his parenting, you don’t ban his children, you ask him to move out.

Yes I agree. Oh the irony of DSD who has such issues with her body being mean about another persons body, you would think she should be a bit more sensitive. Having an MH problem doesn't give her an excuse to be nasty but no doubt she will try to make this all about her. And her sister should know better than to talk in this way too, again it's ironic Dh says you shouldn't mention this stuff when the sister of the girl with ED is allowed mention it!

It annoys me we are so forgiving of teenage girls. If it were boys taking the piss out of someone in a bikini MN would be calling them all sorts of names

She didn’t have to say nothing, she could have chosen to say “I heard what you were saying about me, and it wasn’t kind. Please don’t talk about me like that in my own home.” That would have been fair.

They turned up and were unnecessarily rude. Having an eating disorder is not going to be helped by criticising other people’s weight - in fact it is symptomatic of the problem. Great opportunity for their father to point out to both daughters that he has chosen you on purpose and changes in your weight do not affect his relationship with you. Equally, changes in their weight do not change how he feels about them.

Being mean for no reason is not acceptable and if they got paid out in kind after doing that, bad luck. That sort of thing can happen if you are unguarded in your personal remarks about other people.

I was brought up to believe that you don’t say anything behind someone’s back that you wouldn’t say to their face. I hope I’ve stuck to that, and I hope I’ve imparted that properly to my DD. Those girls absolutely were being cruel and unkind to OP. The fact that they thought she couldn’t hear them is irrelevant. They were being nasty and spiteful about someone who had opened up her home to them, they got more than they bargained for, and like every teenager ever, are trying to wriggle out of the responsibility instead of owning it.

The reason that teens have the reputation of being self centred and have no resilience, is because so many of them don’t. And it’s not as a result of the attitudes of the people supporting OP here. It’s down to them being constantly given the message in various ways that they are the most important thing in the world, and they don’t have to take responsibility for anything. Somebody else is always to blame.

Hell would freeze over before I let anyone tell me my children aren't welcome in my home whenever they want to be there.

You say it was your home first, but ultimately when you married a man with children you agreed to open your home to those children. As your DH's children they should feel that they have two homes, not that they are guests in their Dad's home.

Their comments were unkind and hurtful, and that should be addressed directly with them. But banning them from turning up unannounced isn't relevant or proportionate.

It sounds as if she's always been happy to have them in the house.
Just not slagging her off.

And it would probably have been met with the usual teen eye roll. This way, they’ve learned a lesson - not that they’ve taken responsibility for it if the half story they’ve told their dad is anything to go by.

So you have never spoken badly about someone outside of their presence? I don’t believe that. It’s human nature

Meh. She is talking about them not coming round unannounced when she’s home and not their dad. I don’t see how that would impact their relationship with him.

They’ve learned that passive aggressive behaviour is acceptable. I’d rather them see a good example of communication. You have no idea how they would have reacted.

I wouldn’t pussyfoot around the eating disorder. She didn’t think that you might develop one yourself after such bitchy comments from them. I don’t think you said anything wrong at all. I couldn’t trust the pair of them again and would remember it for future. Sound an awful pair.

Also, I don’t think it matters how someone else reacts. What matters is that your behaviour is something that you can be proud of. If I’d behaved like the OP I’d feel more ashamed of myself.

Id have kicked the pair of them out. Nobody has the right to speak to me like that in my own home.

It's probably too much to hope she's upset because she's ashamed about lying about what happened to make you look bad. She bitched about your body but lied you insulted hers. 🙄

Why would you stop them coming to their home cause your feelings were hurt? Surely it's there dads home also which means their home?

Deal with your hurt feelings and move on...