AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

I think you can certainly ask them to let you know before visiting. My sons live 20 minutes away and have keys, but don’t call in unannounced. I have keys for their houses but wouldn’t call in unannounced.
politeness.

I think you should either have ignored it completely (ie shrugged it off as teens being teens), or dealt with it directly and said what you heard has hurt and you were feeling upset.

I think if OP had done the second she still would have lied to make OP look bad instead and claimed to be too upset to talk about it. I think she was right to let them know they'd been overheard though.

"teens being teens"?
I think it shouldn't be ignored at any age, never mind ar 16 and 18.

They were slagging off OP in her own home. Why should she put up with such disrespect?

If you leave a key on the inside of your door does that prevent it being unlocked from the outside

if so I’d do that
and I think it’s reasonable that they come at leisure when their dad is there. Not otherwise.

OP does your DH own the home as well

Bloody hell. This is a depressing thread. No wonder so many young people have a reputation for being self-obsessed and having no resilience given they are being raised by the sort of adults posting on this thread.

I'm in my 50s. I can't even begin to imagine being discombobulated by a comment from a 16 or 18 year old about my sagging or creping skin. It is sagging and creping. But more to the point, I don't really care what a 16 or 18 year old thinks of my aesthetic appearance. And I very much doubt they care what I think of theirs'.

I remember being astonished and appalled when I saw my Mum bending over in her underwear when I was a teenager. My eyes were like saucers. I had no idea that skin went like that. Now my skin is like that. That's life innit.

The point is, you cannot control your insecurities by seeking to control those around you. You have to build your own inner resilience, and acceptance.

Those teenagers had no intention of being cruel or unkind to OP because they did not think she could hear. They were silly comments by immature young adults. They may have been motivated by embarrassment caused by unexpectedly seeing their step mum nearly naked.

OP could have behaved like an adult. Calmly saying, ' I can hear you.' would have done as they would have been mortified and doubtless apologised. You could even follow it up with, 'that wasn't kind and people can be very hurt by such comments.' or similar if you really wanted to drive the point home. But it really didn't need any more than that.

And its simply not believable that the people on here making vicious, spite filled comments about a 16 year old and an 18 year old, including calling them names, are the sort of people who have never made a bitchy comment about someone behind their back. The words pot, kettle and black come to mind.

Adults should behave like adults, especially around young people. Model the behaviour you want them to display.

Outrageous.

At 16 & 18 they are not young children and old enough to know that their comments were unkind and hurtful. Instead of owning their mistake and apologising, they doubled down and lied to your husband. His reaction has effectively condoned their behaviour.

I think a family meeting is in order. These “children” who are old enough to have sex, make a baby, get a job, drive a car etc are old enough to know that their comments were what created this hostile environment. Your behaviour was entirely in response to the fact they have made you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Not ok.

Your husband needs the biggest rocket up his behind for raising teenagers that think this is acceptable.

I think OP addressed it as she did to try and deal with it in a lighthearted way. The dc was very wrong to then lie about OP to avoid accountability

Does the dc make up lies about her teachers too when mildly told off OP?

This ⬆️

They didn’t intend or know OP could hear. It would be very different if they’d said it to her upfront.

They’re young and body conscious and the fact is skin does look very strange after weight loss jabs. At that age you can’t imagine the indignity of age happening to you.

They're old enough not to mock someone.

As if posters aren’t mocking people all over this forum.

That. Your response was childish, and has given both kids the ammunition they need to keep their dad on their side.

So no, you can't start dictating the rules for their visits.

I haven’t got an eating disorder. And at no point have I said I have. My comments about the eating disorder were only to say that I don’t consider it a free pass for rudeness, or that it’s relevant beyond the fact that I wouldn’t expect someone recovering from an eating disorder to be fat shaming others.

I said she should have spoken to them, like the grown up she is instead of being PA. Where did i say she should put up with it?

Posters don’t make personal insults to other posters though. It’s against the rules.

I'm not discussing the posters, I'm commenting on the issue raised by the OP.

It's the bare faced lie about OP when she realised she'd been overheard that was the worst bit. They are old enough not to make up lies about people

Maybe they don’t like her that much. If trying to prevent them from hanging out in their father’s home is typical then perhaps they have good reason.

Both of them are old enough to know they are being nasty about you, you didn’t help matters

I would expect an apology from them and an assurance it won’t happen again, and you can apologise to them

but longer term I might just be telling your dh they can only come when he is here as you were upset about the comment and you want to ensure you won’t feel uncomfortable in your own h9me again by any surprise visit and nasty comments

Calm down dear, take your despair elsewhere. I was very clear this is my own feeling, I don’t disagree with it morally, obviously each to their own, hence I said personally, I was trying to show that the girls might feel that way. I’d never wear a bikini in the garden. Plenty of the young generation don’t even like showing their toes!

No, both girls lied by omission to their dad, and he should have OP’s back once he’s told what actually happened.

And yes, OP can dictate the rules for their visits. It’s her home, just as much it is her DH’s or the DSD’s. If they make comments that make her feel uncomfortable in her own home then the house keys should be taken back and they should be stopped from visiting unless DH is there. OP extended a welcome to them and they bit her hand off with their nastiness.

16 and 18 are well old enough to hear some home truths about themselves.
They were being rude and literally making fun of OP in her own home.