AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

She said unannounced. It's in the title.

She wasn’t spoken to. Did you not read the op, she over heard it, it was the op that went up and did it to her face. Looking her up and down and smirking

two wrongs don’t make a right.

I understand that some posters here are insecure and find it painful to hear that young people find them funny, but it’s true. I’m not sure how posters have got into adulthood without realising this.

Agree with this. OP, I would also expect an apology from the girls, but would point out that their behaviour has consequences which cannot be instantly wiped out by an apology. One of which is that you no longer feel comfortable in your own house/garden in a bikini whilst the girls are there. You'll probably also think about those words even when they are not there, so they have spoiled one of your simple pleasures. Following the apology, and for the sake of your DH and their visitation, you will (reluctantly) "cover up" when the girls are there with their father. The rest of the time you will wear whatever you damn well please in your own house and garden, so, for now, no visits without DH there. IF the trust between you all rebuilds at some point then you can review it.

You are entitled to wear whatever you like in your own home without being made to feel self-conscious by a rude teenager.

That would have been fair and mature. And then the girls would have felt bad rather than defensive.

Um no. She needs to be a grown up about it. She doesn’t need to cover up and she needs to address her own behaviour as well as theirs.

I'm joining in discussing what happened to the OP.
Not what young people find or do not find amusing. Which seems to vary widely, anyway.

It's sad that there are people who think making up lies about someone like the young person did about OP is completely normal. I guess because they are prone to lying about people too

OP did open her home to his children. They both had house keys and felt welcome to visit even when their dad wasn’t home. That says a lot about OP as a step parent. These two need to realise that they have made OP feel uncomfortable in her own home and they’ve shown her they don’t respect the welcome she’s extended to them.

Not only that, but they’ve lied to their father about what happened, trying to make it look as though OP instigated the whole thing, instead of taking responsibility and owning it. I think for that reason, OP is perfectly within her rights to ask for the house keys back and to insist that they only visit when their dad is home. At least for now. They’ve shown her who they really are and it’s clearly very hard for OP to accept that neither of them is the person she thought they were. The damage they’ve done to their relationship needs to be acknowledged and they need to apologise, and mean it.

This with bells on.

That’s merely your interpretation, I don’t believe DD is lying. Either OP did what she’s accused of, which given her petulant response is quite plausible, or DD genuinely thought she did.

Why would the daughters have to announce they are going to their home?

I think you are the adult here so need to act like the mature one here.
When you lose weight unfortunately the skin does become loose. (If I ever manage to lose my weight, I know the amount of loose skin I will have).😂
I think they saw you and it was the spur of the moment comment and they didn't mean for you to hear them, so its not like they were being rude to you directly. Sometimes we all say something behind people's back which we would never say to their face.

Children do make these kind of comments, sometimes my children will say things to get a reaction from me, I just ignore them, like I can't be bothered with their childish games.
It honestly doesn't even bother me.

I think its unkind to stop them from coming to their dad's home because it sounds like you showing your control over the matter.

Obviously their dad is going to have a word with them, so they will realise their comments were over heard and hurtful.

I hope things get sorted out and you let this go as a one off comment. You can't be cross with children, forever. Best wishes.

The ops basically admitted it. She’s admitted the smirking.

Right or wrong.... I'm pretty sure I would have said the same.

That’s exactly what I said.

What's done is done in terms of your reaction.

I suspect that your DSD2 is refusing to talk about it atm because she knows that she was nasty and doesn't want to take responsibility for it. What I'd do is leave it for a few days and in the meantime, talk to your DH about how it's important for family members not to be nasty about one other and that going forward, you all need to be kinder and more supportive of each other.

It's clear that up to now, you and your DSD's have had a good relationship, or they wouldn't pop around when their Dad isn't there. Making those comments about your body was cruel and they need to accept that - it's nothing to do with DSD2's ED, they were being bitchy and that can have consequences, it's a life lesson that they need to learn.

We've said to our two (21 and 17) that family members are some of the few people in the world who'll love you and go out of their way for you - don't be unkind to them.

Edit to say that I wouldn't ban them from the house, address this incident and move on.

I don’t think you were wrong at all op. If they can dish it out they should be able to take it.

OP hasn’t done anything wrong. Whether she needs to cover up or not isn’t the point - although quite a few posters here have made it plain that they think wearing a bikini in your own back garden is unacceptable. She’s been fat shamed, plain and simple, and it will have a lasting effect.

The girls have also compounded their actions by lying to their dad about it. That puts a totally different slant on things. If I were OP I would be insisting on having the house keys back and stopping them dropping in unannounced while their dad isn’t home. At least for a while.

Totally agree with this. Especially 18 she's an adult! No pussy footing around them it's not like she's 12.

You should be able to wear what you want in your own home without feeling judged

I think the Op behaved appallingly but 16 and 18 yos are not children. They are young women.

And if your children keep making comments to get a reaction from you then ignoring them clearly isn’t working

So what ? She smirked. At least she didn’t give them the opportunity to eye roll and walk away by confronting them directly. And the girls did lie. They told their dad that OP was the one who started this whole thing - conveniently leaving out the fact that she overheard them bitching about her, and that that was what prompted it.

Unlikely. Eating disorders are largely genetic.

... because they've been caught slagging her off, according to the OP.
I'm sure she's clarified why.

You think that’s going to teach them anything? All they learn is that their SM is easily wound up