AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

Who said OP can’t deal with it ? OP has clearly established a good relationship with her DSD - they have house keys and feel welcome enough to visit even when their dad isn’t home, and they spend time with OP. That’s more than a lot of step parents do.

But clearly for MN that’s not enough - according to this thread OP should never sunbathe in a bikini because it would upset DSD’s if they dropped in unannounced. And having done so, she should quietly accept that they have the right to make nasty comments behind her back in her own home, if she should offend them by showing more flesh than they consider acceptable. It’s batshit, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with women not being able to handle step children. On MN they’re wrong whatever they do, so the judgement here means nothing.

As was the original comment. Like for like.

Far more effective because it leaves no doubt and isn't sneery.

Well OP herself obviously has weight, self esteem and body issues because she’s been on WLI, but she apparently has to just suck it up when people are cruel about her appearance in her own home. They’re not 6 and 8, they’re old enough to know better. They should definitely apologise. Having an ED or MH problem isn’t carte Blanche to be nasty- and what’s the excuse of the other one?

I’d even be framing it as “I did what they wanted, they had an issue with my body in a bikini so I put a dress on”

wide eyed innocence

they can’t have it both ways

Can't believe ppl are excusing shit behaviour with "oh she has a mental health problem, poor her".

Fuck that. They were nasty and hurtful. You did nothing wrong. Not sure why she would have been upset when it was your body and wobbly bits you were talking about. She / they were talking about that just moments before! They've ran to daddy to cover themselves before you said anything to him. Dreadful behaviour. They should be apologising to you!

Jesus fucking Christ. A 'safe place' for them to be catty about their stepmother's appearance behind her back?? If OP wants to lie in her garden in a bikini without feeling self conscious then she has every right to do so.

Well done OP for pulling them up and don't let this ruin your confidence after your weight loss. They are obviously embarrassed that they were caught out in their bitching. Tough!
I have three daughters: two older teens and one young adult. I would be furious with them if I were told they'd been behaving in such a manner.

This is a prime example of why pass agg approaches to issues are such a bad idea. It's a way of trying to communicate something without taking any responsibility or giving any right of reply, and retaining plausible deniability if you get pulled up on it.

If you were going to say anything at all (and you certainly had a right to) then you should have just been direct and honest: "I heard what you said, and it was unkind and hurtful and unnecessary." They can't misunderstand that, they can't twist it and it forces them to respond to the actual issue head on. Or, if you don't think it's worth the aggro, say nothing at all and leave it (they're teens, they think anyone their parents' age in swimwear is ick, it doesn't mean a thing).

But pass agg comments and smirking to try to get your word in while preventing her from saying anything in return and leaving it wide open to misinterpretation. Teens are totally self centred so I can absolutely believe she thought the comment was about her, not you, especially given her eating disorder. She's 16, she thinks everything is about her.

Next time be the grown up.

I don’t think it is. You have said a few things about you past ED. You are only one person. And idk if you suffered a protracted illness, are ND or NT or if you got over it relatively easily. Idk if you were mentally ill with it either.

The presentation and behaviours of sufferers are very complex and very different.

Honestly its your house, not thiers, just tell them they are welcome anytime thier dad is at home.
Teenage girls need to learn they are not the center of the world.

Then she should deal with it in an appropriate way, not by pretending everything is OK but then making sneering comments alluding to having heard.

I would have expected better from an 18 and a 16 yr old. Not as if they were 13 or 14.

They wouldn't be attending my home unannounced. That is a privilege.

The eating disorder is irrelevant. A sixteen year old, especially one recovering from an eating disorder, should know that body shaming is not on. If it’s something that triggers her, why on earth would she think it acceptable to do it to someone else ?

And I think if OP had been the least bit put out by having her DSD’s around, she wouldn’t have OK’d them having house keys and dropping in when DH is at work.

No, she made those remarks because she was hurt.
Those young women made the remarks because they were being cruel and nasty.

Yep, this. My DH has a grown up daughter. She doesn’t have a house key because I value my privacy and don’t want other people walking in and out of my home whenever they feel like it. She’s fine with it, she knows she’s welcome here, and always calls to see if it’s convenient before she visits. When I got married and left home, I handed back my house key because I appreciated that it was now my parents’ private space.

What does your husband think? I wouldn't be happy if my DH told my children they couldn't come round because we were busy if we weren't.
I think you should leave it to him to decide. If he isn't in when they come fair enough though although it is a shame.
Teenagers are though less they have a lot of growing up to do.
You should be the adult and behave like one.

Doesn’t their mums house have a garden? If they’d have come round and jot said anything, are you happy they do? If so, I’d say they can come round but you want no snide remarks from them about you covering up as it’s YOUR home.

OP can wear what she likes. The girls were wrong to say what they did. However, OP was also wrong to pretend everything was ok but then make passive aggressive sneaky remarks. She didn't call them out, that would be to say she'd heard what they said and it was rude, she was upset, whatever.
Two wrongs arf not pretty.

I would be taking the house key back. If they don’t respect OP in her own home, then they don’t deserve to have access to that home whenever they feel like it. It’s OP’s home as well and she doesn’t deserve to be made uncomfortable in it - especially not by fat shaming.

Im surprised at the SD's tbh given the issues one has with her own body image you would think both would be kinder and mores sensitive and aware of the impact words. As for DH he needs to have strong words with both instead of pandering to his daughters manipulatiin if the truth . Self centred little madams .

Wow so many righteous people on here! OP they were being bitchy & you were hurt, maybe with hindsight you’d say something different but what you said wasn’t that bad.
I don’t think you can ban them from unannounced visits & this would probably create conflict with your husband, but I understand you not feeling comfortable in your own home.

Absolutely.

I don't understand this free door policy, where anyone can turn up unannounced because they feel like doing so.

I would be making the boundaries in my home abundantly clear.

To think you would be audacious enough to invite yourself over unannounced and then proceed to insult me in my own garden.

You will be corrected.

I think if she’d confronted them directly she’d likely have got the usual teenage eye roll. This was far more effective in hitting home - evidenced by their immediate running to their dad with half the story. They knew exactly what they’d done and instead of owning it, tried to lie their way out. In all honesty I would have a problem with them having continuous access via house keys after that. And DH needs to get his head out of his arse and support his wife. His kids are rude and entitled.

The first mistake you made is getting involved, making those comments back and letting them know you heard them. I would’ve completely ignored it, teenagers say stupid things all the time because their brains aren’t developed yet.

They were clearly raised to be judgemental about their body shape and this makes them make snarky comments about others now. This is also exactly why one of them ended up with an eating disorder. Why steep to their level like you’re a third quarrelling teenager in this situation