AIBU to expect my husband to take over after his trip?

[Pontp]

My DH has been in Boston for the World Cup for 10 days now, 3 more to go. I decided to take our 2 year old son on holiday with my mum and auntie as I figured flying solo in the sun would be easier than at home plus juggling work.

I naively thought I’d have a bit more help from my mum and auntie but they just drank wine the whole holiday - fair enough though as it’s their holiday too!

I’m feeling absolutely exhausted as I was up at 6 every morning with DS, made and fed him every meal, put him to bed every night (45 mins of chaos), woke a few times in the night with him and spent all day every day running around after hin (having lots of fun and making memories might I add!). Meanwhile I can’t help but feel this is a huge contrast to DH who has zero responsibilities right now and is lying in til 10 every morning.

The reason for my post is I’m wondering what is reasonable when he gets home. I want to hand him DS and have him do every bedtime, every wake through the night and every morning wake until I’ve caught up on some of my exhaustion.

I mentioned this to my mum but she said it was harsh because he was losing a nights sleep on his way home due to a night flight and he will be jet lagged

AIBU?

I think I would have suffered the work/childcare alone and booked the week after he got back off!!

@Pontp I think your mum and aunt could have helped you out a bit- they seem very selfish. Just don't take out your anger with your dh- he had nothing to do with your trip. Tell him that you will give him 24 h to catch up and then you expect him to do baths and night story because you need a break and his son needs his dad present.

Is he a member of the Tartan Army who’ve drunk Boston dry and had what looks to be an amazing time? If so you’d probably need to give him 24 hours to sober up before handing over a 2 year old into his care.
To the PP who said that’s just a mums job, the child has two parents and he can pick up in the daddy duties he’s missed whilst being away and give you a break. Tell him now, in writing, and enjoy putting your feet up when he’s back. Also if you’re knackered on holiday before then ask your relatives to help. They can put their wine down to do bedtime to help you out. Your mum is still a grandma whilst on holiday. I think you need to be firmer before you break.

I would give him 24.hours to get over the jet lag then yes, check out for a few days and let him take the strain.

I think YANBU but I think you need to prep him (via text) that you’re knackered and need him to step up once he’s back.

From his perspective you’ve been on holiday with 2 adults to help. He probably won’t expect that your mum and aunt were so useless, so spell that out.

I think any good parent who had been on a 10 jolly should step up and take over the majority of parenting when they return. That’s what dh and I do. The person going away gives the house a good clean before they go, makes sure things are in order and then they do the same when they get back and give the other parent free time. I’ve not long returned from NYC and didn’t have any jet lag. Went back to work the next day.

US to U.K. jet lag didn’t hit me as hard as the other way.

that said I’d give him a day

I’d give him a day to land and then relax……
He was away for two weeks so he should be doing the vast majority of the mornings and bedtimes for the next two weeks.

Yanbu.

I think your mum is being unreasonable with her comment - people who don't lift a finger don't get a say in my book! Yes she was not obliged to help on her holiday or at any time. But she's not obliged to give her opinion either.

I was going to say exactly this!

You are understandable exhausted but I think you are being a little unreasonable.

is he normally hands on? If he is, he should step up without you requesting/demanding. If he usually does nothing he isn’t going to change now.

Assume you agreed to the holiday and had notice- it was always going to be hard work.

Yes, he should help but I don’t think you should do nothing, you’re meant to be a team.

OP, be very careful.

He has been on holiday for 9 days, and should come back and want to take over.

Can you go away, stay with your mother, just leave the house and him to it.

If you cannot do this because he pushes back then you need to realise he is a shit husband, father and partner.

Never have another child with him and reevaluate how much you do.

This may sound harsh but your future looks bleak if he thinks he gets to holiday for 9 days and doesn't feel he needs to give you one hell of a rest after carrying it all.

Oh and give holidaying with your mother a miss.

Something so distasteful to be drinking continously and not give even an hour or two break to a young mum.

Not kind.

Absolutely hate when people want to punish their partner for enjoying themselves.

I think your suggestion of handing your ds over immediately has the potential of you and dh getting into a competitive tiredness argument, on your side fuelled by 'you had 10 days of no responsibilities'; fuelled on his side by 'you got a holiday too, and your mum and aunt were there to help out'. There's the possibility that he is jet-lagged and that his parenting is poor, requiring you to step in, leading to more resentment on your part...

I'd be clear in advance how hard it's been, be gracious and give him 48 hours to recover, but be clear that from Friday he's doing the lot. (possibly he and your ds missed each other and it will be an opportunity for them to do nice things together and for your dh to 'make memories' , rather than it being a punishmentor a chore)

Did you read the post?

I think I'd give him maybe 24 hrs to get over journey/jet lag and then expect him to look after little one and give you a break for a week or maybe two.

He’s been away for two weeks. Any decent parent would want to spend as much time with their two year old as possible to make up for it.

He doesn’t get to whinge and opt out of parenting at home after having a two week, child-free jolly so hopefully he won’t try. Maybe a day or two for jet lag, because jet lag can make even the best of us useless, but after that he should be offering to take the reins. You shouldn’t have to ask.

You both chose to go on holiday. Your argument and follow up post about "making memories" make it very clear it's something you were doing for yourself. So I think it's unfair to punish your husband for enjoying himself when you were doing the same thing. He absolutely should do his share when he's back, but stop trying to paint him as owing you.

Your mum sounds pathetic.

Your husband needs to be a dad and take over when he's home.

This

At home, with family, doesn't matter: OP was solo parenting with all that entails with a very young child while her husband has been partying with his friends for 10 days.

He's up while OP gets a break when he gets home. If he's tired, that's self-inflicted and on him, too bad.

He had a child-free holiday with no responsibilities, could get blind drunk with no consequences. She had 24/7 responsibility for childcare and so couldn't just do what she wanted, when she wanted. The two holidays are not the same. He does owe her a break.

My experience is the opposite

No - he went on holiday, OP parented a toddler solo in a place other than home. A holiday with a child is NOT a holiday.

Yeah he might be jetlagged. Give him a couple days to get over it. Then have 2 whole weeks completely off. So you're taking into account he might struggle but still getting a break

Would she with the night wakings and early starts?!

I would be expecting my husband to take over as soon as he got back. No one made him go to Boston?! I would also be having an equivalent trip for myself at some point soon