AIBU to feel uncomfortable calling my MIL's husband Grandpa?

[GreenAcreFarm22]

My MIL remarried 10 years ago. Her husband (my husband's stepfather) is 15 years younger than she is. Their relationship began while MIL was still married to my FIL, and it's never been entirely clear whether it was an open marriage arrangement or an affair. Around that same period, my FIL passed away.

After FIL died, step-FIL bought a house with MIL, and they both lived off my FIL's estate. The inheritance was very substantial enough that step-FIL stopped working. For context, my husband was already 25 when his father died and living independently, so step-FIL never had any sort of parental role in his life. He certainly never "raised" him.

Fast forward to now. We recently had a baby. MIL and step-FIL are very insistent that he be called "Grandpa." There was no discussion about it, it was simply forced on us and guilt-tripped.

I may be more sensitive about this because my own father died around the same time my husband's father did. I would never want him to be replaced in that way.

The issue is that I simply don't trust this man. Over the years I've become increasingly uncomfortable with how controlling he seems to be towards MIL as she's gotten older - especially financially, and I struggle with the fact that he has essentially lived off my husband's father's money for more than a decade.

Recently, every time we see them, MIL brings up how step-FIL always wanted children but decided not to have them when younger, and how we need to respect that he wants to be called Grandpa since this is really making up for this bad decision of his. It's sometimes multiple times a day when they stay with us.

What also bothers me is that when step-FIL is around, MIL rarely talks about my husband's father, and conversations about either FIL or my own late father seem to get shut down or redirected. It's as though those men are not supposed to be mentioned.

Around the baby, step-FIL is very keen to play the physical role of grandparent. He wants to hold him, be the first to change him (hardly let's me change him when I'm around!), and play with him. He does not even let my MIL have much quality time with the baby. It's quite full on, to the point that it feels fake.

At the same time, he hasn't really shown up in practical ways that I feel my own father would. They don't help with errands when they stay with us, don't offer much emotional support, and generally don't make life easier for us as new parents. When they stay, they leave a messy room and a dirty bathroom. Also, he won't let MIL get any meaningful gifts for the baby - she was always a very generous lady, and now it's a cheap teddy.

Part of me feels guilty because perhaps "Grandpa" is just a title and doesn't matter. Another part of me feels that grandparent relationships are built through love, support, and a genuine place in the family, not something that can be demanded because someone made bad life plans.

Am I being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with the insistence on the title?

A previous poster recommended a Sarah's Law request. Here's the link to the portal. I strongly suggest that you use it.

https://www.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sarahs-law/triage/v2/ask-police-for-information-child-sexual-offences/apply-for-information-sarahs-law2/

I thought this too. Something feels off about this. Better to be safe than sorry...

I find it sad all the implications of what his reason for changing a baby might be.
he has never had kids and wants the chance to experience every part of childcare. Also my husband and I always changed our grandchild it gives the mum a break from it.

Leave it out. He's not related to the baby. The only person he's helping is himself.

I had a step grandad. My mum's dad died when she was 7 and my gran married someone also 15 years younger a year after my mum married. He was for all intents and purposes ours and my cousins grandad and we lived him. We weren't alive to know our biological grandfather. The parents were always a bit huh about it and would occasionally say he wasn't a real grandad but he was to us. Although he never changed nappies or anything!

My DSs now have the same except through divorce (not us, grandparents) and their step grandad has been a much bigger and positive role in their life than their biological grandfather. They've only seen him about 4 times and they're now late teens. Sometimes family is what we make it

Granny died just before COVID and was buried next to her parents and original husband. A year later (step) grandad died and was buried there too at their request. So she's buried with both husbands and I love it!!

Are you for real?

I'm sorry because this sounds horrible but whether you call him Grandad or not is an extremely surface issue compared to absolutely everything else you've put there. Hefty boundaries and don't have them to stay ever again.

The spectrum of implications there could be, from innocent to not, are exactly the reason why 9/10 of men in this position wouldn’t volunteer to change an unrelated baby’s nappy even if they were somehow curious about the experience or genuinely wanting to help. Volunteering and then insisting/dictating is odd.

I mean, yes, of course that's possible...but still, I wouldn't leave the baby alone with him, it's just not worth the risk

Unless neither of the baby's parents is able to do it, volunteering to clean up a baby's genitals when they are covered in urine and faeces is strange behaviour in anyone unrelated to that baby. (Nurses and carers do it as a job, but that is not the case here.)

Men and women all know this. Knowing it makes them look strange, decent ones don't press the point. Only ones who are not decent will do so.

This man is not related to your baby. His behaviour is strange at best.

As for insisting on his right to mess with your baby... No, Insist that he leaves the baby alone, and if he won't, insist that he leaves.

I have four dc and neither grandfather ever once changed their nappy. Their grandmothers both did, but only if there was a reason, ie, if they were looking after baby without the parents. It would be a massive red flag for me if anyone started insisting/ being keen to change them.

It is up to your dh really what dc call his stepfather.

WaitingForMojo
It is up to your dh really what dc call his stepfather.

In the case of my three it was entirely up to THEM what they called their grandparents. We might suggest; they decided.

Also wanted to add, even if he's not a sexual predator, he's still a controller.

Today he's insisting on nappies, tomorrow he'll be insisting on which playgroup, which school....whose child is it? You need to put firm boundaries in, there's so many red flags.

I'm sorry OP, but OMG no!

No one does nappy changes except parents and care providers (and close family, if YOU choose that) - it's incredibly important to let your child have dignity and privacy so they learn body boundaries. It's clear that you know that what's currently happening is wrong.

This is YOUR child and no one else gets to make decisions for them or impose their will. Titles are earned, not demanded, and you don't need to worry about respecting people who don't respect you.

Not saying that this is where things are headed, but most abuse happens at the hands of family members. Don't ignore your instincts, or the red flags.

You also both deserve to be able to discuss and celebrate your fathers, and have them be part of your child's life. It's bloody hard raising your child without your parent around and you need to be able to do whatever you both can to keep their memories alive - regardless of how this man or your MIL feel about that.

The issue here is not the name. It’s that you don’t like or trust your mother-in-law’s husband (work good reason).

Given that he will presumably be playing a grandfatherly role in your child’s life, “Grandpa” does not seem inappropriate, especially as there will be no other grandfather. As a compromise could he be “Grandpa Gavin”?

For what it’s worth, there were three women who played a grandmotherly role in my children’s lives. My mother, my mother-in-law, and my stepmother (who married my father when they were both in their 60s). All three are now dead and much missed.

The first two were known as “Granny”. The third was known as “Granny Jane” which recognised her role but differentiated her from the real ones.

I agree with others about the nappy changing.