AIBU to feel uncomfortable calling my MIL's husband Grandpa?

[GreenAcreFarm22]

My MIL remarried 10 years ago. Her husband (my husband's stepfather) is 15 years younger than she is. Their relationship began while MIL was still married to my FIL, and it's never been entirely clear whether it was an open marriage arrangement or an affair. Around that same period, my FIL passed away.

After FIL died, step-FIL bought a house with MIL, and they both lived off my FIL's estate. The inheritance was very substantial enough that step-FIL stopped working. For context, my husband was already 25 when his father died and living independently, so step-FIL never had any sort of parental role in his life. He certainly never "raised" him.

Fast forward to now. We recently had a baby. MIL and step-FIL are very insistent that he be called "Grandpa." There was no discussion about it, it was simply forced on us and guilt-tripped.

I may be more sensitive about this because my own father died around the same time my husband's father did. I would never want him to be replaced in that way.

The issue is that I simply don't trust this man. Over the years I've become increasingly uncomfortable with how controlling he seems to be towards MIL as she's gotten older - especially financially, and I struggle with the fact that he has essentially lived off my husband's father's money for more than a decade.

Recently, every time we see them, MIL brings up how step-FIL always wanted children but decided not to have them when younger, and how we need to respect that he wants to be called Grandpa since this is really making up for this bad decision of his. It's sometimes multiple times a day when they stay with us.

What also bothers me is that when step-FIL is around, MIL rarely talks about my husband's father, and conversations about either FIL or my own late father seem to get shut down or redirected. It's as though those men are not supposed to be mentioned.

Around the baby, step-FIL is very keen to play the physical role of grandparent. He wants to hold him, be the first to change him (hardly let's me change him when I'm around!), and play with him. He does not even let my MIL have much quality time with the baby. It's quite full on, to the point that it feels fake.

At the same time, he hasn't really shown up in practical ways that I feel my own father would. They don't help with errands when they stay with us, don't offer much emotional support, and generally don't make life easier for us as new parents. When they stay, they leave a messy room and a dirty bathroom. Also, he won't let MIL get any meaningful gifts for the baby - she was always a very generous lady, and now it's a cheap teddy.

Part of me feels guilty because perhaps "Grandpa" is just a title and doesn't matter. Another part of me feels that grandparent relationships are built through love, support, and a genuine place in the family, not something that can be demanded because someone made bad life plans.

Am I being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with the insistence on the title?

I would recommend not agreeing to the grandpa thing. I was also uncomfortable with it but went along with it and regretted it. Same situation ie DH’s stepfather. Started off Grandad + name then name was dropped and he was just grandad. Felt unfair for the biological grandad (who was still alive).

Also I have had similar reservations about behaviours. I have not allowed sleepovers or unaccompanied babysitting as a result. I also did a Sarah’s Law application (came back clear). I would recommend you do this. It won’t necessarily set your mind at rest but will make you feel you’ve done something.

I think using the name rather than grandad adds in a psychological boundary that would be useful for everyone involved.

OP please listen to everyone screaming at you to keep this man away from nappy changes. It will progress to bath time and more solo time, solo access. All ‘safe’ because he is ‘grandpa’. You sound like you find it hard to assert yourself in your own home. Your no.1 job is to protect your child. Agree with poster who said he is using MIL as his enforcer, you can’t trust her judgement. Red flags all over this.

That's what stands out to me...is he a nonce?

Just as a practical thing, if you have an instinct that the nappy change thing is getting creepy but you don't think you could outright come out and say "no I think you're a nonce", could you invent some kind of new routine that means you personally need to do the nappy changes "because he has terrible nappy rash at the moment, it's too complicated to explain the different creams he need so I'll just do it in the bathroom", cheery wave etc - just to break the cycle/habit in the moment?

I think people sometimes rely on it being a bit socially awkward to make a direct accusation, so subtle avoidance can sometimes be helpful until you have decided on a longer term strategy

God I would not be letting him change the nappy. No way. I have to make a comment on your framing of the financial situation though.

They are not living off the estate from
your deceased FIL. He was married to your MIL so it was THEIR money which went to her as the will. Granted it seems step FIL has taken advantage but it was HER money when he passed.

I think it should be more your husband’s choice than yours about the ‘grandpa’ title. How does your husband feel about any of this? You haven’t said. Does he agree with you?

I’m all for trusting instincts around your baby, but the financial control stuff seems sort of vague. The money was your MIL’s money once your FIL died. Now MIL is married it’s their money. How does you know that step-FIL is controlling that MIL only buys ‘cheap teddies’? Do you know their financial situation to the depths of what their limits are now they are both retired?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 so first he gets himself a nice little gravy train and then he tries to get himself a baby to play with. You need to put iron clad boundaries around this man. No contact with your mil or your step fil whatsoever for at least a year until he learns that you are in charge, not him. Then you can think about resuming supervised contact if you want your mil to have some contact with the baby. But never ever leave you child alone with these two for even one minute.

He's grooming you all. He wants the title of grandpa to psychologically signal that he's a safe male family member. He didn't ask for it, he demanded it. He has no respect for your wishes as parents, his own needs are most important. He is clearly talking a lot about babies and children to MIL if she is bringing up how much he wanted his own kids frequently. That's supposed to make you feel that he's a safe paternal sort of man, even though there's no evidence that he is. It's also designed to make you feel sorry for his aching lack of ever having had children. And you with a new baby, could help with that couldn't you, nice compliant younger woman?
You talk about him playing the physical role of grandparent, holding the baby to the exclusion of others, changing the baby. Again he has no respect for anyone else, his needs come first. But importantly he's making you all (including your baby) feel comfortable with him being in very close personal proximity. In a few years it'll be tickle fights and 'come sit on grandpa' s lap. Please look at this man with your eyes wide open. You feel it's fake. Trust that, it is fake. It's not normal grandparent adoration of a baby. He's not the grandparent. He doesn't love your baby like a grandparent loves the continuation of their family, an echo of their own baby, a reminder of their historic parenting journey. You do not want your child anywhere near this man. You don't want any sort of trust or relationship to grow.

Even if a Sarah's Law check comes back clear, there is always a first time.

A chat with the Lucy Faithfull foundation might be good www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk/

Maybe you should reduce the visits. It doesn't sound very healthy. Your child is not his surrogate child.

I am astonished at this, why haven’t you stopped him? He’s preventing you from changing YOUR baby’s nappy? Use your mother’s instincts /voice ‘I am changing the baby, this is MY child, it is highly unusual that you stop me from changing my own baby, you are not responsible or related to MY child’. Is your DH on board or is he scared to upset his mum?

If this is real, you and your husband need to seek therapy about why your boundaries are so poor with this man. Safeguard your child fgs.

My mum’s creepy husband started calling himself papa in cards to us when he married my mum

i was 38 and PG with my DS.

i shot that down immediately. He’s not my papa/dad, he’s your H mum. That’s it.

ditto when I had my DS, “he’s Jim* not grandpa” Heck my MUM isn’t even granny, she didn’t want a title that aged her. 🙄 She’s silly.

*name changed

we’re NC now because of Jim anyway. He’s a dick. He totally alienated my mum from everyone unless on his terms. She was very cruel to me and hurt my DS once.

@GreenAcreFarm22 your instincts are screaming at you love, listen and protect your little one. Don’t let him have your DS alone ever again. Be firm! Insist on it and bugger his feelings or whatever other pressure he and your mother will try to put you under to do what he wants with your DS.

I’d be practically growling and bearing my teeth at this point

@GreenAcreFarm22 let your MummaBear out!

Agree with all of this. Great post.

Strange, creepy, controlling and financially abusive - he sounds like a walking red flag. Call him by his name. Do not encourage your DC to call him anything else. Sounds like he's acting out some kind of fantasy, which is very worrying indeed.

"Around the baby, step-FIL is very keen to play the physical role of grandparent. He wants to hold him, be the first to change him (hardly let's me change him when I'm around!), and play with him. He does not even let my MIL have much quality time with the baby. It's quite full on, to the point that it feels fake."

This is quite disturbing, particularly as he's already a man who's making you uncomfortable in your own home. You're going to have to be very strong here as no-one seems to have your back when it happens. You'll have to be very clear and exceptionally firm that this is your baby, he will not be changing nappies and that holding your baby is a privilege that you may or may not grant, according to him learning some humility, it is not a right.

Trust your instincts and let him learn his place in the scheme of things despite the opposition you're clearly going to face.

Keep that man away from your baby.

I would avoid this creepy bloke as much as possible.

My mil remarried a coercive unpleasant man. We call him grandma’s husband and have photographs in the house of late Fil and refer to him as grandpa. The key is for both parents to be united and agree boundaries. The new husband made one inappropriate comment about my baby daughter, we put hard boundaries in place and funnily enough his interest in visiting completely evaporated. You don’t have to ignore your instincts to keep the peace.

You haven't mentioned anything about your husband's feelings on this. Bedsides the obvious that this is your baby and you need to start setting some big boundaries, what does your husband think?

Do you know anything about his past, previous relationships, work history etc , and how he come to meet MIL ?

Nobody 'wants' to change a nappy. Hell, I'm a grandmother and I only change them to be helpful/if neither parent is around. When Gavin tries to (and apologies to everyone called Gavin) say that if he wants to help he can make you a cup of tea. If you refer to him by his first name that is what your DC will learn.

I’ve posted this before ; trust your judgement!
my daughter had a step grandad, very unpredictable; once my daughter hit 18 he sent her WhatsApp messages ; referencing that his willy is like a snake …. My MIL said it was banter . He was arrested as he failed to surrender any of his devices to police in a house search . Didn’t meet the threshold with CPS sadly and they were unable to say if they found anything sinister . When asked if the police officer would allow contact with her children if situation was reversed “ god no” was the reply.
my gut feeling for previous 16 years was right .
we are now no contact since , and if I could get my hands on either of them; I would do time for him !
to add; my daughter has autism, adhd, learning disabilities. The man’s a beast .
follow gut feeling every single time .

I agree with PPs about insisting on your boundaries. I have an alternative suggestion if you do not want to call him 'Grandpa'. In our family (more because my mother-in-law didn't want to be called 'Grandma' and step-father-in-law couldn't decide if he wanted to be Grandpa or not) we use nicknames for the Grandparents - i.e. instead of Jessica it's JessJess and instead of Robert it's RobRob. Like this it still feels like a 'special' name without using Grandma or Grandpa.