AIBU to feel uncomfortable calling my MIL's husband Grandpa?

[GreenAcreFarm22]

My MIL remarried 10 years ago. Her husband (my husband's stepfather) is 15 years younger than she is. Their relationship began while MIL was still married to my FIL, and it's never been entirely clear whether it was an open marriage arrangement or an affair. Around that same period, my FIL passed away.

After FIL died, step-FIL bought a house with MIL, and they both lived off my FIL's estate. The inheritance was very substantial enough that step-FIL stopped working. For context, my husband was already 25 when his father died and living independently, so step-FIL never had any sort of parental role in his life. He certainly never "raised" him.

Fast forward to now. We recently had a baby. MIL and step-FIL are very insistent that he be called "Grandpa." There was no discussion about it, it was simply forced on us and guilt-tripped.

I may be more sensitive about this because my own father died around the same time my husband's father did. I would never want him to be replaced in that way.

The issue is that I simply don't trust this man. Over the years I've become increasingly uncomfortable with how controlling he seems to be towards MIL as she's gotten older - especially financially, and I struggle with the fact that he has essentially lived off my husband's father's money for more than a decade.

Recently, every time we see them, MIL brings up how step-FIL always wanted children but decided not to have them when younger, and how we need to respect that he wants to be called Grandpa since this is really making up for this bad decision of his. It's sometimes multiple times a day when they stay with us.

What also bothers me is that when step-FIL is around, MIL rarely talks about my husband's father, and conversations about either FIL or my own late father seem to get shut down or redirected. It's as though those men are not supposed to be mentioned.

Around the baby, step-FIL is very keen to play the physical role of grandparent. He wants to hold him, be the first to change him (hardly let's me change him when I'm around!), and play with him. He does not even let my MIL have much quality time with the baby. It's quite full on, to the point that it feels fake.

At the same time, he hasn't really shown up in practical ways that I feel my own father would. They don't help with errands when they stay with us, don't offer much emotional support, and generally don't make life easier for us as new parents. When they stay, they leave a messy room and a dirty bathroom. Also, he won't let MIL get any meaningful gifts for the baby - she was always a very generous lady, and now it's a cheap teddy.

Part of me feels guilty because perhaps "Grandpa" is just a title and doesn't matter. Another part of me feels that grandparent relationships are built through love, support, and a genuine place in the family, not something that can be demanded because someone made bad life plans.

Am I being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with the insistence on the title?

I'm sorry but why would a random stray man be desperate to change someone else's baby? Lordy that sounds wrong as fuck.

Just teach your kid to call him by his first name. You can't stop him referring to himself as that or writing it on a card but your family won't use it. But I wouldn't be allowing him to change the baby.

I am from a Mediterranean culture that doesn’t mythologise the role of the parents in nappy changes the way I see on MumsNet. Basically we trust anyone competent the baby is comfortable with who loves them to do this.

In no way do I put this man into that category. He sounds creepy as hell.

First name only. He’s not the “grandad”. I’d be furious at how he’s been inserted into the family and I was forced to play along. He’s a bloke your MIL married. Oh and changing the baby’s nappy? Get to fuck.

Had this exact situation with my husband’s mum and her partner (minus the fact she met him after her relationship with my husbands dad ended). Anyway we are not close at all to her partner, my son is almost four and only met him once. She wanted him to call him “papa” or “gramps” and we were clear he already had two grandads and that our son wouldn’t be calling him by those names. She asked what we proposed he called him instead - we said well that’s simple, his name, just like my husband has never called him dad and always just used his name.

That being said I think it has to go by circumstance and relationship. Some step dads and step grandad’s are incredible. my friend is in the situation with her mum and her husband. And her stepdad is incredibly brilliant with her boys. He does school pick ups and everything. So they just differentiate all three grandads by saying “Grandpa (insert first name)”. My MIL’s partner is a bit of an idiot so that was never the right thing for us.

Exactly, this needs to stop immediately.

I think you’re going to have to be prepared for the fall out and upsetting your MIL.

But rest assured, some things are more important than keeping the peace and your child’s safety is one of them.

Why the hell is he changing your babies nappy? My father lived with us when our kids were little and didn't do it once. The fact this man wants to is a huge red flag. It's so weird for anyone other than parents to do.

In case you needed anyone else to say it: no, you don’t have to let this man change your baby. I would be very firm about that from now on.

As others have suggested, you could call him “Grandpa His-name” and gradually just use his name more and more often as the baby grows up.

If anyone tries to redirect the conversation about your own or your DH’s father, I would point that out. “I hope it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable talking about our deceased loved ones as I can’t imagine having to behave as if they didn’t exist”. I wouldn't be happy about any of this tbh.

Say that all grandparents will be called by actual name.Then he isn’t singled out.

Just wanted to add, you need to show this thread to your DH. Keep your child away from this man.

So he had an affair when young with a much older, wealthier woman whose wealthy husband was about to die. Husband conveniently dies, he moves in and lives off the deceased man’s finances.

His victim wife’s son who was already an adult when this tawdry con started then has a baby years later, and he bizarrely makes a bee-line for giving the baby intimate personal care??? He tries to brainwash baby’s parents into pretending he’s ’Grandpa’ to cement his feet under the table, ergo his financial prospects on the death of his victim wife.

This is all awful and highly suspicious, and smacks of all manner of abuse: relational, financial, psychological and perhaps sexual.

Stay as far away from this predator as possible, and if MiL asks why, show her this thread. She will undoubtedly be in denial and might even threaten to cut you off, but she’s an adult and can make that decision - unlike your baby who is at the mercy of those around him.

Red flags, keep your child away from him.

Absolutely stop access on the nappy changing.

If you want to maintain some contact, you can defer the name issue to 'what your son calls him when he can talk'. Repeat that as much as needed. Reduce contact if this causes arguments.

My DD's Grandpa adores her, he'd lay his life down for her, he's absolutely besotted with her. She is probably his most favourite person in the whole wide world.

He's never once offered to change her nappy, dress her, or take her for a bath.....

This

Oh OP, protect that baby.

I would 100% go to the police and check up on him.

You need to spell it out to your husband that your baby is not a substitute anything to this man his mother has foisted on him.

I wouldn't want them visiting again.
Let it blow up.

You need to protect your baby.
His actions are not normal, they are chilling.

This OP, pls advocate for your son. No respectable family member bulldozers in and takes away nappy change from the baby’s mother obsessively, but doesn’t help out at all in other areas, just this on task only? this feels weird

I don’t think my Dad has ever changed a nappy for any of my children, not because he thinks it’s women’s work anything but because when they were that age I was always on hand.
If he had been in sole charge of them he obviously would, he brought up me and my siblings on his own pretty much, but in our family usually babies get passed back to their parents for changing, unless they are obviously busy and then someone will volunteer (usually who ever is closest to the mat/changing bag)
I have step parents that have become part of the family since we’ve all been adults. They are given the title of Nana/Grandad, so my children have a Nana, Grandma and Grannie and then a Grandad, Grandpa and Grandad Fred.
For us they are just names/titles, the children have their favourites obviously, usually due to the amount of time they spend with them or the activities their Grandparents choose to do with them.
I would just call him Grandpa….., whatever his first name is when you are visiting, by the time you limit access because he’s unpleasant and stick with your boundaries over the baby’s personal care, there won’t be that many visits to be worried about what to call him.
How they got together isn’t really anyone business, if it was an affair etc
I’d only be concerned on how their present situation is, if he makes you uncomfortable, advocate for yourself and your child.
Just because your step FIL didn’t choose to have children doesn’t give him a he right to fulfil that role with someone else’s child, and I would have no qualms in saying that to both your MIL and FIL.

The order of priority is your child’s welfare, your (and DH’s) comfort and then there is a huge full stop. Offence and playing nice do not come into it.

Love this approach!

You need a serious talk with your husband. You’ve barely mentioned him but you need him onside.

Sorry OP but I think you need to be a lot stronger and protect your baby.

Why is this man getting to decide who changes nappies and who gets time with the baby? He's being allowed to dictate everything, in all honesty it sounds like there is a very determined predator quickly erasing all boundaries in pursuit of your child.

This man is not related to you or your husband, put a stop to all of it immediately. Let your MIL have a tantrum about it if she wants to. You've been way too passive about this.

CAll him the guy you don't see anymore because he's giving groomer vibes and red flags.

@GreenAcreFarm22 , have you spoken to your husband?

I actually cannot fathom anyone deciding they would do anything for my baby without me wanting them to.

I was far too protective of them.
If I'd ever had even the slightest whiff of this, I actually cannot imagine how strong my reaction would have been.

My husband would have been quickly put on notice.

Never allow that creep near your baby again.

If he wants to be a good grandparent he shouldn't have fecked away your child's inheritance.

He does sound like a potential creep also.