AIBU to feel uncomfortable calling my MIL's husband Grandpa?

[GreenAcreFarm22]

My MIL remarried 10 years ago. Her husband (my husband's stepfather) is 15 years younger than she is. Their relationship began while MIL was still married to my FIL, and it's never been entirely clear whether it was an open marriage arrangement or an affair. Around that same period, my FIL passed away.

After FIL died, step-FIL bought a house with MIL, and they both lived off my FIL's estate. The inheritance was very substantial enough that step-FIL stopped working. For context, my husband was already 25 when his father died and living independently, so step-FIL never had any sort of parental role in his life. He certainly never "raised" him.

Fast forward to now. We recently had a baby. MIL and step-FIL are very insistent that he be called "Grandpa." There was no discussion about it, it was simply forced on us and guilt-tripped.

I may be more sensitive about this because my own father died around the same time my husband's father did. I would never want him to be replaced in that way.

The issue is that I simply don't trust this man. Over the years I've become increasingly uncomfortable with how controlling he seems to be towards MIL as she's gotten older - especially financially, and I struggle with the fact that he has essentially lived off my husband's father's money for more than a decade.

Recently, every time we see them, MIL brings up how step-FIL always wanted children but decided not to have them when younger, and how we need to respect that he wants to be called Grandpa since this is really making up for this bad decision of his. It's sometimes multiple times a day when they stay with us.

What also bothers me is that when step-FIL is around, MIL rarely talks about my husband's father, and conversations about either FIL or my own late father seem to get shut down or redirected. It's as though those men are not supposed to be mentioned.

Around the baby, step-FIL is very keen to play the physical role of grandparent. He wants to hold him, be the first to change him (hardly let's me change him when I'm around!), and play with him. He does not even let my MIL have much quality time with the baby. It's quite full on, to the point that it feels fake.

At the same time, he hasn't really shown up in practical ways that I feel my own father would. They don't help with errands when they stay with us, don't offer much emotional support, and generally don't make life easier for us as new parents. When they stay, they leave a messy room and a dirty bathroom. Also, he won't let MIL get any meaningful gifts for the baby - she was always a very generous lady, and now it's a cheap teddy.

Part of me feels guilty because perhaps "Grandpa" is just a title and doesn't matter. Another part of me feels that grandparent relationships are built through love, support, and a genuine place in the family, not something that can be demanded because someone made bad life plans.

Am I being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with the insistence on the title?

No decent man who hasn't even had his own kids to practice nappy changing on is going to go around insisting people let him change their baby's nappy. And rest of it doenst sound great either.

You and your husband both need to read up on grooming.

He sounds creepy and predatory and full of red flags. Your MIL will enable whatever he wants so you're going to have to watch her too. No all be time for either of them.

If he tries to block you from your baby, tell him to move, you are getting your baby. Don't let MIL or him use ownership language, their grandson, his grandson. He is MIL's husband, and he has no claim on your baby.

If he's become controlling with MIL, as relatives can you do a Clare's law request as well as Sarah's Law?

Unless it’s Granny popping over to help so you can have a break/kip, anyone wanting to change a baby’s nappy (as in actually actively insisting they do this) is probably a massive weirdo! I have no idea why this red flag is being ignored, nor why you allowed it. Don’t leave him alone with your baby and he obviously isn’t Grandpa.

What is your DHs take on this?
If he's siding with his mother and her husband, show him this thread.

Assert your boundaries. Trust your instincts.

What a gross person - having an affair with MIL and then living off dead FIL’s estate. He’s clearly going to wait it out for MIL to die and then take all her stuff as well. Foul. And he is wanting to just pretend he is actually FIL in being called grandad. I called my stepfather (who was actually a nice man) Grandad Chris.

He sounds very very weird wanting to change a baby’s nappy. I would absolutely not allow that.

You could cut them both off. They just sound awful.

I was all ready to be pro Grandpa based on my own family, but no.

I won't comment on the nappy changing, others have done that perfectly well and hopefully the message is sinking in.

In terms of his name I'd be quite clear:

"Harold, I'm sorry you feel that way, but Dave and I have decided we're keeping grandpa for when we talk about our dad's who unfortunately aren't around to see little Timmy grow up. We expect our decision to be respected, even if it's not the result you wanted."

And if he kicks off..

"It's not our baby's job to paper over the cracks of the decisions you made in your life, you chose not to have kids. That's it."

You have been astonishingly passive in the face of this man who's a walking red flag OP. Please consider talking the NSPCC helpline for advice. I would personally cut all contact, but if you don't want to do that, then stop contact for a month then agree to meet only MIL in a controlled environment - a cafe or park. Start to impose boundaries because so far you have allowed MIL and her disgusting H to ride roughshod over you. If she refuses, then you don't see her. You should not be letting anyone else change your baby's nappy except his own parents and nursery workers. You need to wake up! If you do cut contact, please ensure that you talk to your HV or GP about the situation and why you have cut contact. They sound determined enough that they might seek a contact order to see your DC alone. You need to ensure that doesn't happen.

It would be a cold day in hell before a non blood relative would be changing my child’s nappy! Wtf

It doesn’t really matter what your child calls him but I wouldn’t be allowing him to be involved in personal care. His behaviour would make me uneasy about him having unsupervised contact going forward.

In addition to what others have said, I would talk to dh and we would refer warmly to dhs dad and your dad every time they are around. ‘Dad would have loved to be here to see this, I remember how we used to…’ ‘have another mouthful sweetie, this is what grandpa Joe used to make your mummy!’
Creep.

I had the same reaction to my MILs husband. Consequently we’ve never called him grand anything. He gets called by his first name and he gives us all the creeps.

A man who's never had his own children wanting to change the nappy of his step grandchild 🛑⛔ a d that's before we even consider the other traits he has.

He sounds like a nonce with the keeness to change nappies. No way would that be happening and tough shit if mil gets upset when she is told why - as if it's not obvious it's an off thing.

Believe me op most normal grandads do not want to change babies nappies .non of the grandads I know do this ,,I fact most wouldnt knw how . Granadads tend to like the fun bits and playi go with toys etc but the personal care and practical bits no ,not really unless you explicitly trust him.

Great reply👏

I see someone else already quoted this but I'm doing it again because of how important it is that OP sees it and really takes it on board.

I'm questioning what dort of marriage he has with your MIL is it romantic or more sugar mummy ? It's giving weird vibes of him being a predator with both your MIL and potentially your child ,really uncomfortable with this op ,,what does husband have to say ? If he dislikes husbands father being spoken about it's obviously a sore point for him so how can you trust him to act kindly towards this man's grandchild . This stinks of wrongness op .

My Mil dh is called uncle

A good way to prevent the erasure of your fathers is to put prominent photos of them around No one can argue with a photo.

The new 'Grandpa' may not have any sexual interest, but every single detail screams Narcisist/ Controller/ Manipulator. If you don't put up boundaries they create damage and drama in the lives of people around them.

It's hard to put up boundaries for ourselves, but we absolutely have to do it for our children.

And maybe DH can start to educate MIL with subtlety about the man she thinks she's with, and who she's actually with.

Good luck OP.

I definitely wouldn’t let SFIL change him. Really ofd that he wants to.

My situation is slightly different, as although my FIL remarried (the same year I married my husband) after my MIL died (I never knew her, she passed away many years before I met my husband). My FIL's wife has children and grandchildren of her own. My FIL when my son was born kept referring to his wife as 'Nanny' or 'Nanny Pam' (not her real name!) and in the end my husband has to tell him that his wife will be 'Pam' to our child, and that his 'Nanny' is his Mum, she might have died, but that title is hers, not Pam's. I don't think my FIL wife was particularly bothered, after all she has grandchildren (and great-grandchildren) of her own.

I suspect in your situation OP, it's your MIL's husband who is driving this need to be called Grandpa and inserting himself into your child's life. Your husband is the one who needs to speak to his Mum, and if necessary with his step-Dad present, and be upfront. It's not happening.

How old are step FIL and MIL?
My late Dad was a biological grandad and a step grandad. He was a fantastic step grandad (they came first by quite a few years) and was very hands on with playing, singing, reading stories etc and he absolutely loved the kids. However, at no point did he ever express a need or desire to change a nappy, bathe them, get them ready for bed etc. Now I am sure he would have done it if asked but it is weird to me that FIL would actively want to nappy change.

I regularly get handed a niece to nappy change by my (lazy parent when I am around) brother but again I never actively ask to change a nappy. I sometimes offer if things are hectic and a change is needed but again I am definitely not "keen" to do it.

I don't think you should be referring to this man as your husband's step father. He has never had a parenting role and he hasn't lived in the family home while your husband was a child. He's probably not even old enough to technically be his father.

He's just your MIL's husband. My children call my widowed FILs new wife Granny but she's the same age as my DHs deceased mum, already had grandchildren of her own when she came into our lives, we love her and she has been very present in my children's lives from either their birth or a very young age. She is the only granny they've known on that side.

Apart from the fact that he might be too young to be considered a 'grandpa' figure, the main reason to not allow him to be called Grandpa is because you don't like him and don't trust him. That's really all the reason you need. If you wouldn't want him taking on the role of Grandpa then he doesn't get to be called Grandpa. What your MIL wants is neither here nor there.