AIBU to feel uncomfortable calling my MIL's husband Grandpa?

[GreenAcreFarm22]

My MIL remarried 10 years ago. Her husband (my husband's stepfather) is 15 years younger than she is. Their relationship began while MIL was still married to my FIL, and it's never been entirely clear whether it was an open marriage arrangement or an affair. Around that same period, my FIL passed away.

After FIL died, step-FIL bought a house with MIL, and they both lived off my FIL's estate. The inheritance was very substantial enough that step-FIL stopped working. For context, my husband was already 25 when his father died and living independently, so step-FIL never had any sort of parental role in his life. He certainly never "raised" him.

Fast forward to now. We recently had a baby. MIL and step-FIL are very insistent that he be called "Grandpa." There was no discussion about it, it was simply forced on us and guilt-tripped.

I may be more sensitive about this because my own father died around the same time my husband's father did. I would never want him to be replaced in that way.

The issue is that I simply don't trust this man. Over the years I've become increasingly uncomfortable with how controlling he seems to be towards MIL as she's gotten older - especially financially, and I struggle with the fact that he has essentially lived off my husband's father's money for more than a decade.

Recently, every time we see them, MIL brings up how step-FIL always wanted children but decided not to have them when younger, and how we need to respect that he wants to be called Grandpa since this is really making up for this bad decision of his. It's sometimes multiple times a day when they stay with us.

What also bothers me is that when step-FIL is around, MIL rarely talks about my husband's father, and conversations about either FIL or my own late father seem to get shut down or redirected. It's as though those men are not supposed to be mentioned.

Around the baby, step-FIL is very keen to play the physical role of grandparent. He wants to hold him, be the first to change him (hardly let's me change him when I'm around!), and play with him. He does not even let my MIL have much quality time with the baby. It's quite full on, to the point that it feels fake.

At the same time, he hasn't really shown up in practical ways that I feel my own father would. They don't help with errands when they stay with us, don't offer much emotional support, and generally don't make life easier for us as new parents. When they stay, they leave a messy room and a dirty bathroom. Also, he won't let MIL get any meaningful gifts for the baby - she was always a very generous lady, and now it's a cheap teddy.

Part of me feels guilty because perhaps "Grandpa" is just a title and doesn't matter. Another part of me feels that grandparent relationships are built through love, support, and a genuine place in the family, not something that can be demanded because someone made bad life plans.

Am I being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with the insistence on the title?

I couldn’t give a crap about what name he was called, but wouldn’t be letting him anywhere near my baby’s nappy. Odd that the name is what bothers you!

No one man, woman or parent WANTS to change a baby’s nappy. As parents we do it because we have to and in the sense of keeping the child healthy we want to, but it’s not a desire.
All you say to him is no, as parents we change his nappy. He’s had no experience of kids yet is straight in at that end- you need to request a Sarah’s Law disclosure - he sounds like a monster. Frankly who prefers a smelly arse to cuddles and or feeding and talking to a baby? I want to rip his head off on your behalf

This post gave me the creeps slightly. This man reminds me heavily of my grandmothers husband. Always wanted us to call him granda etc etc (my mother hit the roof). he was a sexual abuser!! Please be careful I’m not saying that’s what is going on here but if you have a bad feeling about him do not ignore your gut. At best he’s a controlling manipulative money grabbing shit.

Sarah’s Law.
Do it.

Something’s not right here OP. Your absolute number 1 priority must be to protect your child. It’s very unusual for anyone not biologically closely related to a child to be so keen to change a nappy. You say they aren’t helpful in other ways, so this is an oddly specific way of ‘helping’.
I would also be suspicious of Mother-in-law. She seems to be overly explaining her husband’s interest in your child. Coming up with plausible explanations for bizarre behaviour. This man does not get to prevent you from changing your own baby’s nappy.

All sounds very creepy and weird.

I think you have two separate issues here.

A male asking to change a nappy is weird. Dd is 30 but neither my dad or fil ever changed a nappy, it was always the mums. I would put a stop to this.

Absolutely (under normal circumstances) he should be grandpa, or similar. I would expect my husband to be grandpa/pap/grandad in the same way I would expect my daughter’s step mum to be Nan/granny/grandma.

He didn't have children of his own and now he's steaming in wanting to change nappies a task that a lot of men shy away from with their own children

Alarm bells are ringing!

Put your food down now. Even if it causes a rift.

Seriously OP trust your instincts here.

I agree with your first and disagree with your second.

My mum married her husband when I was 21. My first baby was born when I was 34. My mother's husband is not my father, shares no blood with my children - that was my father's privilege. My father was their grandad, not step. Mum and step thought he was going to be "grandad". No more chance of that than me calling him dad, because for obvious reasons he is not my dad. The children and I call him Gerald. He has always treated the DC like grandchildren (has no DC) but is NOT their grandad.

Put a stop to the nappy changing @GreenAcreFarm22

It must be heart-breaking for your DH to see that his dad has pretty much been erased and his mum is pushing the fantasy that her much younger husband is the real grandfather to your child.

As other posters have said, the nappy changing is a massive red flag. Who on earth enjoys changing a baby's nappy? He sounds pushy and controlling and I'd stop inviting MIL and him to stay. Leaving a messy bedroom and dirty bathroom when they stay is another sign of their disrespect for you and your husband.

You need to trust your gut; as well as supervising and restricting access - even if that means seeing MIL less.
The naming is awkward but one thing you can do is call him by his name always in front of your child and tell MIL that your child is not his second chance at being a dad - that ship has sailed.
You can state a boundary over nappy changing and babysitting - if it causes offence that’s fine - this is your child to be protected.

Disagree on the 2nd.

Can you explain why in this specific instance you think OP should be encouraging her child to think this giant red flag of a man is a family member (who can be trusted) by calling him grandpa.
Because 3 yr olds dont understand nuance and children trust their family are safe people.

I'm sure your 2nd husband Bob is lovely and all... but this bloke clearly isnt....

Totally agree on the nappy thing! But to your original point about names & awkwardness - stick to your guns about not calling him Grandpa/Grandad etc.

I have a similar situation with my dad's wife. They've been together since I was about 13, have three kids together, but I've never looked at her like a step-mum or anything. My kids don't call her Nan (would be an absolute insult to my mum and MIL). My dad was pissed about it, even after I suggested they came up with a nickname as compromise, and as a result she's massively withdrawn from paying any proper attention to them (bearing in mind, my eldest is only 18 months old!). That's a win to me - shows everything about her and why she really shouldn't have that title... Maybe the same thing will happen in your case when you say no? Shows their true colours and this guy sounds dodge so you'll want him to withdraw anyway!!

Good luck OP!

As a grandmother with a second husband who is lovely and gets on well with all my family - we have a sort of unspoken understanding that I do nappies always of my grandchildren when we babysit. He would and could of course in an emergency - he did for his own kids and probably will if he is ever a granddad himself (not yet!), but it feels right that I do my grandchildren’s personal care rather than him.

Not for any particular reason but their dignity and my role as a close family member.

He’s a brilliant granddad figure to them- plays with them loads when we babysit, cooks for us, pushes the swings endlessly when we are at the park, gets the football going at the park, asks about the ponies’ and unicorns’ names, tells and reads stories, does counting rhymes - but he can opt out for peace and quiet in another room whenever he wants as ultimately, they’re my responsibility 100% when we are in charge. I agree to have them (with absolute pleasure) so I do their personal care.

I think that a male who did the nappies of the mum or dad when they were a baby, or shared their bath as small children together, trusted for a lifetime is a sort of safe person but any adult male not intimately known to one of the parents is another thing really, however nice he is. And this guy sounds creepy.

Grandpa is just a title when it applies to a blood relation or someone who is an accepted father figure to either parent. But when neither of those apply, it's an honour at the behest of the parents to bestow and not something that can he demanded because of a marriage certificate.

He's not the grandpa, he's the grandma's husband. I'd push back on this 100% and say no, grandpa is "dhs deceased dad" and we will be calling "mil current husband" by name.

Your baby isn't a do over or surrogate child for this guy just because he didn't have kids of his own, he doesn't get to muscle in. Take a step back.

I was looking for this comment, agree totally.

We have made up names for step-parents, alongside their names, think Gangan Bob or similar.

You don’t mention once how your DH feels about it which seems strange to me. It’s not on you to decide the name.

Please protect your baby - he seems predatory.

As said, you take ownership of personal care. However I don't think that it's unusual to not want to discuss a former spouse, in front of the new one. Time will tell on this. I did call my Nan's partner Grandad, because he was my grandad, to all intents and purposes. I was entitled to that relationship. Like it or not, whatever was left became your MIL's and she can spend her money on what she wants. If she is repeating things a lot, are you sure there isn't something neurological going on and that's why he taking over a bit?

My mum been married to her second husband for 45 years and my grown up daughters call him by his christian name just like I do

Theres an awful lot of he ‘won’t let’ in your messages, around you and your MIL. This man sounds like a controlling creep, and he is grooming you all.
Where is your DH in all this?
The time to set boundaries is now with this man.

As an aside, this whole thing of men other than dad can't change nappy as a rule makes me a bit sad that it always has to be women who do the work. my SIL has asked my DP to step in and help her by changing my nephew's nappy, I'd expect him to step up and not turn to me. He's had kids and is perfectly capable.
The difference is that it wouldn't be he requests (that's just weird).. but he is asked to help. Because she trusts him and needs the help.

You don't trust this man and you don't want his help. That is enough and you are perfectly entitled to draw the line wherever you want with your baby.

I also think you are entitled to use names that feel comfortable for you. My extended family is very blended with lots of new partners/spouses in the mix. The children have always referred to partner/spouse by name. So my step dad is called Gary and so the kids said Gaga when they were little and then Gary when they were older. If they had wanted to call him Grandpa I would have been fine with that but I never call him dad, I always say Gary when I talk about him or to him. So they mirrored what I said.

Why did you not say ‘what are you talking about’ or similar when he said he would change the baby? Who offers to change other people’s babies nappies? It’s really weird! Like going round to someone’s house and emptying the bins.

Being called granddad, not buying presents or doing errands wouldn’t bother me at all.

The talking about her dead husband and what she spends her money on is your MILs concern.

Or offering to empty the cat litter tray which no one offers.
He's a queer fish with the enthusiasm for nappy change .