AIBU to feel uncomfortable calling my MIL's husband Grandpa?

[GreenAcreFarm22]

My MIL remarried 10 years ago. Her husband (my husband's stepfather) is 15 years younger than she is. Their relationship began while MIL was still married to my FIL, and it's never been entirely clear whether it was an open marriage arrangement or an affair. Around that same period, my FIL passed away.

After FIL died, step-FIL bought a house with MIL, and they both lived off my FIL's estate. The inheritance was very substantial enough that step-FIL stopped working. For context, my husband was already 25 when his father died and living independently, so step-FIL never had any sort of parental role in his life. He certainly never "raised" him.

Fast forward to now. We recently had a baby. MIL and step-FIL are very insistent that he be called "Grandpa." There was no discussion about it, it was simply forced on us and guilt-tripped.

I may be more sensitive about this because my own father died around the same time my husband's father did. I would never want him to be replaced in that way.

The issue is that I simply don't trust this man. Over the years I've become increasingly uncomfortable with how controlling he seems to be towards MIL as she's gotten older - especially financially, and I struggle with the fact that he has essentially lived off my husband's father's money for more than a decade.

Recently, every time we see them, MIL brings up how step-FIL always wanted children but decided not to have them when younger, and how we need to respect that he wants to be called Grandpa since this is really making up for this bad decision of his. It's sometimes multiple times a day when they stay with us.

What also bothers me is that when step-FIL is around, MIL rarely talks about my husband's father, and conversations about either FIL or my own late father seem to get shut down or redirected. It's as though those men are not supposed to be mentioned.

Around the baby, step-FIL is very keen to play the physical role of grandparent. He wants to hold him, be the first to change him (hardly let's me change him when I'm around!), and play with him. He does not even let my MIL have much quality time with the baby. It's quite full on, to the point that it feels fake.

At the same time, he hasn't really shown up in practical ways that I feel my own father would. They don't help with errands when they stay with us, don't offer much emotional support, and generally don't make life easier for us as new parents. When they stay, they leave a messy room and a dirty bathroom. Also, he won't let MIL get any meaningful gifts for the baby - she was always a very generous lady, and now it's a cheap teddy.

Part of me feels guilty because perhaps "Grandpa" is just a title and doesn't matter. Another part of me feels that grandparent relationships are built through love, support, and a genuine place in the family, not something that can be demanded because someone made bad life plans.

Am I being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with the insistence on the title?

Not at all, but why the fuck are you letting him change your babies nappy?!?!

WTF unrelated male gets obsessed with changing a baby's nappy?

Never ever let him unsupervised with your child.

You have to ask yourself why he is so keen to change the babies nappy. Trust your gut and stop this, and distance yourselves

I think that what to call him is your husband’s call more than yours.

I also think that it doesn’t really matter, in the sense that even if he didn’t go by grandpa, it wouldn’t solve all the other issues. So I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing.

The ONLY people that changed my babies nappy were me, her dad and eventually her childminder.
Im flabbergasted that your issue is the moniker he wants to be called by!

Get a pet alternative name for him like Gaggypaggy
It’ll piss him off
in the meantime he sounds like a controlling creep
Tell him wind his neck in and keep his hands to himself

I am also so bloody concerned that he wants to change your babies nappy!! What do you mean he “hardly lets you change him”

you put a stop to that immediately.

I'd be concerned that he's a nonce

Sarah's Law time.
He sounds like all kinds of a groomer.
https://www.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sarahs-law/information/v1/sarahs-law-child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/how-to-apply/

Why oh why would you let this creeper bulldoze his way into access to your babies genitals?

Yip weirdo.
keep
him at arms length and I’d be trying to
get husband to have a quiet word with mum to touch base and get a
grasp on what’s really going on .

Nope.
Zero nappy changes. Zero.

"Hello Gavin" and do it on repeat.
Gavin is granny's husband.

When your child is 3 and calls him gavin what can you do 🫠

He would also have zero unsupervised contact and I would not give your mil any unsupervised contact because she has bad judgement

Practice saying
"Our child isnt a vehicle for gavins unrealised parental dreams" In the mirror

Also practice " here give me the baby..
If you wouldnt mind stripping your bed sheets before we go that would be appreciated"

I'd be reducing visits i get the absolute creeps just reading this.
You owe your child safety more than you owe this nobody "nice" and "accommodating"
Note: he is using mil as his flying monkey ,/ enforcer...

Edit Sarah's law sounds v sensible.

It’s really fucking weird that he’s changing a nappy.

Male relatives will change my DCs nappies but that’s the odd occasion they’re solo babysitting or if I ask them as a favour. I know my FIL has never changed one of my kids nappies, at best he might awkward signal over MIL.

I don’t want to sound 1950s but I’ve never met a man who wants to change a nappy. I think only female relatives/close friends do it as they’ve had their own kids and seeing mum busy it comes naturally to be helpful.

It’s really weird he hasn’t had his own kids and is changing nappies. None of my family/friends regardless of gender offer to change nappies if they haven’t had their own kids.

Its really fucking weird he’s putting himself
in that position that he’s volunteering himself to be around children’s genitals. Men know how that looks.

Do not let him change nappies in future. If he wants a relationship with your child let him hold the baby whilst you eat your dinner. Trust your gut.

Yes, I am VERY concerned about this. I didn't want to make a direct statement, but see if it flagged for anyone else - I feel like I'm just not liking the man, but need to trust my instincts.

It seemed like innocent help in the beginning, but after feeling like I could not get to my baby to change his nappy while I'm standing there trying to...

He will not get any future access in this way.

Grandad Gavin, Gavin for short 😀

Just use his name a lot as well as Grandad Name, and it will stave off the criticism. Over time, the grandad will drop.

But he shouldn’t be involved in your DC’s personal care, and they shouldn’t have unsupervised contact either. She can’t be relied on to keep DC safe because she’s in a controlling relationship.

My partner loves the kids in my family but would never want to do nappy changes, toilet time or bath time
Thats just weird !

Leaving aside that this is all kinds of weird in very many ways (though some of these absolutely need to be addressed…), the way we dealt with both having divorced parents, and none of the new partners really being step parents, was just that the new partners might get called grandma Diane or grandpa Joe, whilst blood relatives are just called grandma or grandad. Also we never refer to those people around each other or our kids as anything other than Diane or Joe, whereas our parents get called mum/dad/grandma etc so the kids actually end up calling them by their first names but they still have a kind of grandparent title.
I don’t know if that helps in this situation though because it sounds like you have bigger problems than what this man is known as.

It’s beyond weird…even if it’s just him being performative, he definitely should not EVER have access to your baby in this way.
I am so glad you see this too, as to the grandad moniker, tell him your child will refer to him how YOU want them too.
He sounds like a fucking sponger, and a cheeky fucker too.
Not had his own kids? Tough shit mate.

Trust your instincts.
Even written down it looks like a bag of red flags.

• Reduce vistis.
• Start inviting mil over solo - i can predict how that will go...
• When you see them make sure its out and about ie park / coffee / meal
• Stop being nice. Say 'no ill change the nappy.' When he insists say 'why are you so desperate to change my child's nappy? Whats wrong with you?' And then give zero fucks if you are accused by mil of "cause a scene" and "upsetting" him

He is doesnt care about basic boundaries or your feelings, you dont need to care about his....

The only male who ever changed our children's nappies was DH. Our mums only did so if they were babysitting. When the parent is there they change the nappy, it is not normal for anyone else to want to do it.

As to the name- if your DH doesn't call him dad then he isn't grandad/grandpa. End of.

He’s trying to hide in plain sight but not doing a very good job of it.

He’s definitely of concern so don’t take any further risks no matter who you feel you may upset. Protecting your DC has to always be your priority.

Sorry you’re in this position OP, as it won’t be easy. In years to come your MIL will be offering to babysit, sleepovers etc… and you’ll have to say no to everything I’m afraid if they remain married.

Find your spine and shine it up now.

"No, Bob, you're not changing my baby."

"I said no, Bob. "

"Bob, give me privacy to change my baby."

Use ownership language. This is your baby, not his.

This is a red flag. If he gets insistent, ask him just why he wants to see your child's genitals. If he doesn't back off then, you've got a big problem and you're going to have to go lower contact.

Space put those visits more. They're not good guests and they'realing a lot more work for you.

Making a lot of work for you, not realing

His family name needs to be Goodbye

We did the grandpa Joe thing, but not a single one of the grandpas, or grandmas, tried to muscle in on nappy changing. I would not be letting this man anywhere near my baby again.