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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did anyone stay together for the children and not regret it?

131 replies

SadlyNotATroll · 19/06/2026 17:51

As the title says really… did anyone stay for the kids and not regret it? We have two daughters of primary school age. There’s no abuse or anything, but we have nothing in common any more, we just sort of peacefully coexist. We don’t share a room, there’s no intimacy. Tale as old as time. We’ve discussed separation a few times recently but what it boils down to for both of us is not wanting to spend 50% of our lives away from the kids and feel we are a better unit together than apart. DH has made it clear the ball is in my court. One day I want to stay, the next I think we’d be better off apart.

has anyone stayed in similar and not regretted it?

OP posts:
Twoshoesnewshoes · 20/06/2026 22:38

singthing · 20/06/2026 13:20

You're asking if the adults regret it. They're the wrong people.

You need to focus on what the kids will learn from it. And almost certainly it will be "settle for someone not right for you" and "mummy and daddy were only together because of me, so it's my fault they are unhappy"

My parents split up when I was 17.
It fucked me up in so many ways.
i have been with DP for 30 years - I think my experience did make me more determined to work through the bad times because I would never want my children to go through that.

im so glad we worked at it - empty nest (though they all all here this weekend, so lovely) and DP and I are really good and very much in love 🥰

Thechaseison71 · 20/06/2026 22:54

PersephoneParlormaid · 20/06/2026 06:46

I was a child of divorce, it happened when I was about 6, and I only have two memories of dad living with us. Just mum and me was my normal, I saw dad on Sundays, and that was fine by me. Home was mum’s house, and that’s where I wanted to be.

I was 8 . But it was my dad that had me living with him. Which was fairly unusual in the late 70s.

Did see mum occasionally but I don't think it was a regular time/ day

FatCatPyjamas · 20/06/2026 23:35

It can work if both of you are committed to it. Being content with friendship and parenting together is obviously better for the DC than divorce, but it's important to be brutally realistic about whether that's something you'll both be ok with.

Being miserable, lack of warmth, lack of respect... that's not beneficial for DC to witness.

The amount of threads of here detailing the aftermath of affairs illustrates that "staying together for the kids" often does not work.

EvieBB · 21/06/2026 09:07

FoxRedPuppy · 19/06/2026 19:45

This makes me sad. I will always feel guilty that my dc go between two houses and have a broken home etc. My marriage was abusive (coercive control) and I was miserable. But the dc had no idea. I remember my ds telling me that he had no idea as he didn’t think we argued.

They both seem happy now, but who knows. I am so much happier. I have met someone (we don’t live together) and for me I’m so glad I did leave. I wish I’d left years earlier.

Show quote history

If you were in an abusive relationship you clearly had to leave and absolutely did the right thing. I guess every situation is different
I'm glad you are happier now :)

EvieBB · 21/06/2026 09:32

buymeflowers · 19/06/2026 18:41

It’s an impossible position to be in and as someone who did leave I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I could rewind two years.

I left and I have to say I often regret it as it’s cost me so much emotionally and financially. As much as we’d become roommates he still was my person and no one else has compared and dating feels a horror show. The final detachment has been very painful. I have no safety net now, no second income to buffer me if I’m unwell or made redundant, in that sense it’s cost me my peace. I honestly feel like I’ve burned my life down for it to be worse for a while. It’s a lonely and scary place to be. Maybe I’ll get to the point of other posters who say it’s the best thing they ever did, and maybe it will be but be aware it may not feel like that for some time when you are in the thick of it.

In a way it was better for us to separate now rather than in a few more years time when one of us had had an affair or resentment meant we struggled to be civil. But if I could go back two years I’d throw my all into saving it if I knew what I know now.

Thank you so much for sharing this beautifully open and honest post. I'm so sorry to read of your struggles. Be kind to yourself. Two years is not a long time in the scheme of things X
Do you still speak/have some sort of relationship with your ex? Do you think he may actually feel the same? Would you consider getting back together?...even as a roommate type set up? I have a family friend who lives in this like this. Separate bedrooms, but still friends and companionship and financial stability. She moved out at one point but they are now living under the same roof as they upsized and live in the remote hills with lots of cats and chickens :)
An unusual set up, granted, but it seems to work for them....and obviously neither is looking for a new relationship. Only you know if you could hack this and what is best for you. Best wishes.

Newyearawaits · 21/06/2026 10:34

NeverLookInTheMirror · 20/06/2026 18:27

I think it’s time that society started taking some steps back.

Yes back in our grandparents’ day people did stay in unhappy marriages, often where there was abuse, and in many instances that wasn’t ok.

But now we’ve gone to far the other way and marriage has become disposable, to the point that people start planning for divorce before they’ve even said “I do.”

Where’s the middle ground? Yes some marriages are abusive and nobody should be staying in an abusive relationship.

But equally many marriages are just stale, and people feel some kind of entitlement to go out chasing a new big shiny dream with 0 consideration for the children left in the middle.

Once you have children then yes. Those children come first. If that means you have to stay in a marriage where you’re not getting laid then so be it. The choice you made when having children was that they come first.

And I would take this further.

If people do leave relationships, then putting their children first means not moving on to someone else who you’re going to introduce into their lives.

We need to look back a bit too what really is best for the children. And part of that means that no, it’s not ok to have several children by several partners.

It’s not ok to bring new partners into their homes, with step and half siblings from several fucked up relationships.

If you move your children away from their other parent, then you owe it to those children to not move on with someone else, and yes. That includes not having more children.

100pc this

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