Did anyone stay together for the children and not regret it?

[SadlyNotATroll]

As the title says really… did anyone stay for the kids and not regret it? We have two daughters of primary school age. There’s no abuse or anything, but we have nothing in common any more, we just sort of peacefully coexist. We don’t share a room, there’s no intimacy. Tale as old as time. We’ve discussed separation a few times recently but what it boils down to for both of us is not wanting to spend 50% of our lives away from the kids and feel we are a better unit together than apart. DH has made it clear the ball is in my court. One day I want to stay, the next I think we’d be better off apart.

has anyone stayed in similar and not regretted it?

Of course it can be. My mother left my father when I was very small and I didn’t see him again. Best thing she ever did.

My parents tried staying together for the kids, as did a pile of my friends parents. The subsequent collapse of our home lives the second we were off at uni fucked many of us up. We felt lied to, responsible for their misery and its impacted relationships long term.
So split or don't, but don't lie to the kids that you are happy with the situation. One parent will eventually move on with someone new and it will cause chaos and pain, and it can't be avoided no matter how old or young your children are.

It can be if there's abuse, and the parents put the child first afterwards, but that's rare

Of course it's for the children's benefit to leave if you're unhappy. Do you think children thrive in a miserable household, their MH isn't affected by seeing their parents clearly unhappy. Staying together and making your DC unhappy because you want to be around them all the time is just selfish IMO. Children's happiness should be first and foremost and splitting up is the lesser of 2 evils. Better to live with 1 happy parent than 2 miserable ones.

There's a big difference between dissatisfied and miserable. To me the OP sounds more dissatisfied than miserable.

I think it’s a myth that being unsatisfied in a relationship makes for an obviously unhappy parent. You can be happy with your family unit, with the companionship of a partnership, with the way you parent as a team, with the stability of your family home and the quality time you spend together as a family, without having the happiness of romantic and sexual love. Many posters on this thread attest to that. Kids don’t know, sense, or care if you’re fulfilled romantically or sexually - why should they? Children do care about being loved, their needs met, having stability. Sure you can have this while co-parenting, but not without inevitable pain and upheaval for the kids. I accept that it can feel untenable to some adults to live like this, and they therefore choose to leave. I don’t think that’s wrong, but I think it’s false to say children always know their parent is unhappy and absorb it. I never did. I sure as hell absorbed a lot of misery after they split, and experienced a lot of disruption. Frankly I was well aware that my parents (well, one of them) had followed their own desires, and find it quite laughable that this was for our benefit - it wasn’t! Far from thinking ‘hooray, they’re romantically fulfilled’ with new partners, I felt excluded and abandoned when they recoupled. Other people have different experiences, but that is how it was for me and a significant number of others on this thread, so the OP, having asked for advice, can weigh up all these different experiences.

But these days women have far more choices than 50-60 years ago. It’s fine.

Men can leave the family unit if they are dissatisfied and always have. But now women can also choose to not be with their partner even if they have kids.

Isn’t being a free adult great?

You're asking if the adults regret it. They're the wrong people.

You need to focus on what the kids will learn from it. And almost certainly it will be "settle for someone not right for you" and "mummy and daddy were only together because of me, so it's my fault they are unhappy"

The evidence from numerous adult children of divorced parents on this thread gives a different point of view. I agree with you that we should focus more on the kids’ experience though.

Yes, it is. My issue is with people acting like/believing that the decision was made for the benefit of the kids, rather than themselves.

Really?

I think we tell ourselves our kids prefer their parents apart but kids are inherently selfish due to their immaturity and, as long as the parents aren't constantly warring or abusive, I think kids actually prefer their parents together, more available resources and one home to live in.

I don't have personal experience of this, but I do think it could be possible to live a contended life in this way, which is the best thing for you as a family. But I would think it depends how important physical intimacy is to you both and if you're happy to forego this. If you have good relationships outside of the home where you can have fun, find emotional connection and feel valued then it's more likely to work. Could you and your husband work on have a closer platonic relationship, if romance is off the table? This could help you to have a more harmonious family life. I also think it's important to both be honest with each other if anything changes - maybe agree to check in once or twice a year, to avoid things going unsaid or any resentment building which could rock the boat. Also perhaps it's worth talking about the possibility of what happens if either of you meet someone else.

This. People tell themselves kids pick up on it/will feel guilty etc. but in an ok, non-abusive marriage the kids couldn’t give a shit if you’re having sex/being romantic or not, it’s just something people say to justify putting their own needs first.

Mine were abusive to me and to each other
I still wanted them back together when I was a child.
As an adult I couldn't give a fuck about them
They put themselves first and me last
They both remarried and neither considered if the person they married was kind to me .
Because they both felt entitled to be happy,fuck the expense to my life
As shit as they were as parents,things were much worse when I got a step mum and a step dad .it went from neglect and not giving a shit ,to actual abuse when step parents arrived.
So that massively impacted me as an adult and impacted my marriage in that I put huge effort in to keep the marriage together ..
I'm currently having counselling,and feel very sad for 10 year old me
But that's only why I stayed ..why I didn't walk away .
It's my story for my conscience
Everyone else has a different story

Quite a few of my friends' parents were "silver splitters" in fact my ILs were. The general understanding from the "kids" was that once their DC had left home the parents realised they didnt want to be together now there were no distractions. Dh was early 20s so was focused on his own life and his parents' divorce was something that happened at a distance.

I think it depends on how low ye go with bitterness etc, we went through months of barely talking except when kid related. We put on a face with the kids but it must have been awful acting because they all started making jokes about divorce and love, obviously praying we’d say ‘god no we love each other too much’. But we couldn’t. 13 yo went very very quiet, 11 year old very clingy with both of us and constantly saying ‘group hug’! It was all awful.

Saying that we decided to try to make it work and the house has returned to normal, even us, partly, but not wholly.

When they’re all adults we don’t know. Best of luck op x

Are you hoping for another relationship?
Because I wouldn't want to cause such upset to my children by doing it.

I am married a long time and sometimes I do wonder what it would be like but I have seen the grief it has caused to a couple of my childrens friends and I couldn't do it to them.

If there is any abuse then that is completely different.

I think when you have children their well-being comes first.

I have seen first hand the shit show that blended and second families can be, and I wouldn't dream of doing that ever.

Widowed friends have had second relationships but kept it very far away from their children.

It speaks to laziness that he said its up to you.

Sit down and talk honestly about the impact on the children and if you are both prepared to put yourselves first and risk their happiness.

I am a child of divorced parents too. I know what I felt and I wouldn't wish that on another child.

I think it’s time that society started taking some steps back.

Yes back in our grandparents’ day people did stay in unhappy marriages, often where there was abuse, and in many instances that wasn’t ok.

But now we’ve gone to far the other way and marriage has become disposable, to the point that people start planning for divorce before they’ve even said “I do.”

Where’s the middle ground? Yes some marriages are abusive and nobody should be staying in an abusive relationship.

But equally many marriages are just stale, and people feel some kind of entitlement to go out chasing a new big shiny dream with 0 consideration for the children left in the middle.

Once you have children then yes. Those children come first. If that means you have to stay in a marriage where you’re not getting laid then so be it. The choice you made when having children was that they come first.

And I would take this further.

If people do leave relationships, then putting their children first means not moving on to someone else who you’re going to introduce into their lives.

We need to look back a bit too what really is best for the children. And part of that means that no, it’s not ok to have several children by several partners.

It’s not ok to bring new partners into their homes, with step and half siblings from several fucked up relationships.

If you move your children away from their other parent, then you owe it to those children to not move on with someone else, and yes. That includes not having more children.

I so agree with you.
I am the product of a shit marriage where they never divorced.
It was awfully stressful growing up in that environment.
I am married a long time and I definitely question it at times but my 25 year old son told me recently that our marriage was relationship goals for him😳.
That stopped me in my tracks.
Whilst we definitely were never a lovey dovey couple, he has grown up in a peaceful happy home with parents that have always been kind and respectful of each other.

Children are naturally very selfish and they want a happy home, parents who don't embarrass them, who run around after them and make them feel loved and secure in their lives.

They don't want anger, stress, uncertainty.
They don't want to be worrying about a bad atmosphere, and listening to the two people they love treating each other poorly.

When you are both respectful of each other and the children are happy, it is a massive decision to blow that up because you don't excite each any more.

Many many couples invest in hobbies, friends, golf, tennis to soften this, rather than blow up the lovely lives their children have.

I certainly, at 60, know a lot of women who would confirm this.
They may not be in love any more, but they wouldn't have dreamt of blowing up their young adult childrens lives.

Give it lots of thought.

If two people are on different paths, I think the “silver split” is totally valid. It makes sense to re-evaluate your lives together once the children are gone from the nest, rather than blowing up the family when the kids are still young. I’m sure that divorce still has an impact on young adult children but it will be much less.

This happened my friend. The minute she went to uni her parents split and it screwed her up quite badly. She was an only child so she didn’t have any siblings to lean on. There are no easy choices - it might be worth therapy to at least find out what he thinks and then you can mutually agree a way forward, even if that means splitting amicably.

@Lilifer just to say how your husband treated you is verbal abuse and domineering. You were right to end it with him and you did the right thing showing your DC that treating you like that was not ok.

Absolutely- relationships take work sometimes, but not everyone wants to put the work in and sadly it seems like many don't have the commitment/selflessness/tolerance to persist and make things better.
I almost find it more sad really when you hear couples who are split up say how well they still get on really well, are great friends etc, especially when children are involved, as it seems like then they may aswell still be together in a way.

We're flatmates and have been for years. We share a bed but there's no intimacy. Financially it works to stay together and therefore we will for now. We co-parent well and are friends. It's not ideal but life never is really.

One day I will separate from DH but only when the kids are adults.