Did anyone stay together for the children and not regret it?

[SadlyNotATroll]

As the title says really… did anyone stay for the kids and not regret it? We have two daughters of primary school age. There’s no abuse or anything, but we have nothing in common any more, we just sort of peacefully coexist. We don’t share a room, there’s no intimacy. Tale as old as time. We’ve discussed separation a few times recently but what it boils down to for both of us is not wanting to spend 50% of our lives away from the kids and feel we are a better unit together than apart. DH has made it clear the ball is in my court. One day I want to stay, the next I think we’d be better off apart.

has anyone stayed in similar and not regretted it?

Yes. Ten years. I meant it to be shorter but we really couldn’t manage it financially and we were shift workers and needed each other to manage childcare.
Meant to split when they were old enough to not need childcare but then it was exams, then Covid, more exams. Ended up splitting when I insisted on it and youngest was 18.
No regrets. We were able to give the DC stability and a decent home. We all rubbed along fine. We had a 5 bed house with two living rooms so had our own space. He had girlfriends and I had one pleasant fling but generally I am happiest on my own.
I would caution that regarding finances children over 18 aren’t factored in so if they don’t leave home someone will still need to accommodate them with no maintenance. My three all live with me as young adults in my small new house and it’s a squeeze but we are happy.
Depends if you would prefer to meet someone new and if you can both be mature about things. My ex is an arse but he was fair when we split and I took more equity to get a big enough place. He went far away to be with a girlfriend. Didn’t work out for him and he’s lonely and miserable now but I couldn’t be happier.

There must have been a little spark when you met. Can you both put in 100% effort and get counselling or sex/relationship therapy and see if it's possible to make it work. Go on some dates with your DH and spend time alone without the kids. You both already get on well and peacefully co exist so that's a good starting place.

I think that’s abuse—verbal abuse.

Can I ask an awkward question? Why did you marry a man who you never enjoyed kissing or having sex with?

I think it is important to put over this perspective and it's good that you have shared it because on here people always encourage women to leave and say that e.g. "in a year's time your life will be amazing and you'll be so happy".

But life as an older single person/mum isn't easy and isn't necessarily the nirvana people claim it to be.

Obviously if there is abuse in a relationship that's different and people should always take steps to leave.

Most couples don’t go 50:50 anyway, it’s usually EOW for the NRP at best. If you really would want 50:50 then sure but it isn’t the usual thing to do…

You could see their childhood out and divorce when the youngest hits 18, some people do that. I feel it messes the children up more mentally though, they grow up thinking their home life is stable and parents will likely always be a unit then boom it all shatters. Happened to my DH, his mum had been cheating though after years in an unhappy marriage. My DH struggled for maybe 4/5 years mentally and he says he would’ve preferred it if they’d split when he was younger.

Or you split soon and deal with seeing your DC less but you get more time to yourself which has its benefits.

Staying together and splitting later on can be just as messy but it depends how you do it and if you can do it calmly, amicably and maintain a friendly relationship afterwards.

It doesn't have to blow up your older children's lives if you put thought into it and manage it carefully & are both on the same page.
The kids get the benefit then of not being shuffled between houses, especially during the crucial exam years, and have a stable childhood. You then split once they are preparing to move on but you do it in an amicable, friendly way.

However, it's a long time to stay together as housemates and can you guarantee your H will do this and not have an affair or will you be able to resist having an affair?

Well obviously you can't relate because you've never had children and don't intend to! Dating after kids is entirely different to someone who has all the free time in the world to go to the gym, eat healthy etc.

Pregnancy and sleep deprivation can absolutely destroy physical and mental health. Most women, to their credit, choose being good mothers and spend all their time making sure their children's needs are met. This leaves virtually no time for personal grooming and self care. You need a phenomenal amount of willpower to maintain the same level of personal upkeep as someone the same age without children. Not to mention a lot of things like beauty treatments or sport classes require time & money which are the exact opposite of what a freshly divorced single mum has.

But I absolutely stand by my word that the vast majority of single men in their late 30s and 40s are damaged in some way. They can be very very good at hiding it and usually it's always the fault of their "crazy" ex or some other sob story. I'm early 40s and all the male friends we know who are divorced now were always serial cheats and never suited for fatherhood anyway. A few are narcissists and abusive. Two look great on paper and never had children or married, but are actually recovering alcoholics who fall on and off the wagon. Two others (no kids, high earners) have major MH problems that need constant medication or inpatient treatment.

But yeah these are obviously things that will never come up in conversation during a first date! The longer you wait, the greater the risk that you will end up with someone who is a master manipulator and could put the rest of your life at risk.

yes I probably exaggerated that point. I did enjoy sex with him when we were first together and then after we were first married but we have been together for 23 years and those times were brief!

thing is my husband had previously not had a great sex drive prior to children, and I have not at all since having our son. we have not had sex for the past 10 years. Prior to talking about separation he has resented me because I didn’t want to be intimate with him.

My DH stayed with his ex wife for the children. They were both miserable, did nothing but argue and lived separate lives! And the children he stayed for now don’t speak to him anyway!

This sounds a bit like me, ADHD late diagnosis and dc the same.
im sure we are very tricky to live with.

what a great success story, I would love for that to be something i could emulate with my partner.

I really strongly disagree that it messes children up mentally more if you split later. Your husband struggled for 5 years, but my siblings and I are damaged by our parents split 25 years on and counting, it's affected our self esteem and partner choices.

It's extremely destabilising having to move between homes, men and women suddenly moving in to your home, bringing their kids, having more kids, never feeling at home or wanted anywhere...

I think when people say it's worse to stay together, they're picturing an alternative where the parents split but nothing else changes. That's almost never the case.

Yes thank you for your honest reply, that is where I am at the moment, doing what I can to be well and I think making some progress with it. Counselling is not something my husband has responded well to in the past, although who knows that could change. but now I have said that I want to split my husband seems more keen to do so than me. I am finding it difficult to find the right path forward, it’s frustrating flip flopping between wanting to split and wanting to work on it. But advice on here has helped!

Within my siblings, we ranged from tweens to young adults who had left home when my parents split. It was harder for the young ones. Moving between homes, living with parents’ partners. Not feeling at home in the NRP’s house. It did affect the young adults too, but less. There’s no perfect way to do it, but I agree waiting until they are older is preferable.

Only you can know. I stayed, through a very difficult period, kids were tiny, very stressful life events. I’m so glad I did, we came through it and are stronger because of it. I don’t have any magic advice on how to get the spark back, for us, it came slowly. Holidays together with the kids really helped.

I am the youngest by a few years so had to stay and deal with all of that for longer, by myself. It was horrible.

I have a child and I would never want to inflict it on them.

If you decide on looking for a couple therapist I’d go for a man but one you feel comfortable with. I think having a man helped my husband feel positive and more relaxed about therapy. Ours is very skilled at helping both of us to feel heard. Do a lot of research!

If I had a partner who was kind and caring and we parented well together no I would not be leaving.
Im a single parent because my child’s father was abusive and still find coparenting exhausting. Honestly if I could go back I would find someone kind that I could live with I wouldn’t really care about much else. When you’re parenting young kids your focus really needs to be on them. I have no intention of coupling up again and certainly wouldn’t live with a man again. Like others say the grass isn’t always greener and most relationships post kids are less exciting. I enjoy my life now because it’s easier without him but if someone was here making it easier I’d keep that!

I think there's an unrecognised, perfectly valid and healthy relationship style in which you may be so well matched and well suited but no intimacy, so it's like a very best friend.

I know a few people with this style, and I have it. We share a bedroom (and we don't have to) our values and ethics, lifestyle choices, interests are absolutely aligned, we're qqconstantly making each other laugh, we never argue. It's a charmed partnership.

You have to decide for yourself whether sex is important. I would have said it was, but in hindsight I think I assumed this because it's the normal position. I'm not good at it, don't enjoy it, I've never been with anyone who was good at it.

OP, it doesn't sound like you're describing this kind of dynamic?

A lot of people are commenting that it’s unfairly him to say that the ball is in your court but I took that to mean he is happy with the status quo? So it is hot to you if you and anything to change? Is that what you mean?

I wouldn’t leave in your situation when your kids are very young. I’d probably wait and see how I felt when they were older.

Unfortunately though you are running the risk of one of you meeting someone else while still ‘together’ and that would obviously be much harder for everyone.

There’s no easy answer.

I think it took my kids 2 years to recover from the split. And 5 before our Co parenting world is normal for them.
The guilt of that is immense. Anyone who blithely tells you they were instantly fine is deluding themselves.
I'm content with being single now for the rest of my life. And I'm making it a happy life (with ups and downs).
But look at your daughters. If they were grown up and you were advising them what would you say? What would you want for them? Be as kind and protective to yourself as you would be to them.
Don't sacrifice and stay for him to suddenly decide in 5 years he wants a divorce and disappears leaving you resentful.
Go for counselling.

You have to do what makes you happiest. Staying together "for the children" IMO is wrong if you are unhappy in the marriage. In time the DC will work out that the only reason you stayed was because of them and then could potentially blame themselves as being the cause of years of misery for their parents. If people are truly unhappy in their relationship then they should leave "for the children".

Thank you for sharing your honest experience.
I am not in a position to offer relationship guidance but alot of couples become distant whilst children are very young, in some ways it's inevitable. This happened to many of my friends but they were able to reconnect later on.
The toil of caring for children in a relationship has huge impact.

I think a lot more people than you would know just coexist peacefully for years and stay in the relationship/marriage. The initial spark doesn't last forever and often eventually settles down into a mature relationship.

I don't think it is necessarily harmful to children to stay as that happens. I was in a 40 year relationship with my DH, married for 33 of those years and have three adult daughters. There were ups and downs and also at times largely peaceful coexistence. We stuck at it, came through it all and we were happy.

I'm so glad we stuck it out and came through the hard times stronger. We had some lovely times and some fantastic holidays together both as a family and (as the DDs reached adulthood) on our own.

We loved each other so much. He died earlier this year (taken far too soon) and I miss him terribly. As do our DDs.

Leave if you want but don't delude yourself it's for the children's benefit