Did anyone stay together for the children and not regret it?

[SadlyNotATroll]

As the title says really… did anyone stay for the kids and not regret it? We have two daughters of primary school age. There’s no abuse or anything, but we have nothing in common any more, we just sort of peacefully coexist. We don’t share a room, there’s no intimacy. Tale as old as time. We’ve discussed separation a few times recently but what it boils down to for both of us is not wanting to spend 50% of our lives away from the kids and feel we are a better unit together than apart. DH has made it clear the ball is in my court. One day I want to stay, the next I think we’d be better off apart.

has anyone stayed in similar and not regretted it?

How old are you?

In what way is the OP not experiencing a healthy relationship?

Theres no abuse, no control, no toxicity etc

Its obvious why the ball is in OPs court, she said herself one minute she wants to leave and next she doesnt. She hasnt said that he wants to split up, so therefore its on her to either say yes or no.

I don’t think “modelling healthy relationships by getting divorced” is a thing unless it’s an abusive relationship.

I agree. While undoubtedly sometimes it can work out (and that's a big gamble), I actually think it can model a problematic outlook to the kids where the answer to every disagreement or slump is split/divorce and start again - or risk being branded a bad role model, or a doormat.

I'm inclined to agree although I admit I'm speaking as someone who loves my DH more with every passing year. Unless there is abuse etc, to impose a split on children for reasons the OP describes to my mind is not the best way forward. I would try everything in my power to make it work beginning with counselling & moving on to date nights to try and relight the spark we had when we first married & loved each other.

I’m in a similar position to you OP.
reading this entire thread is making me doubt my decision to suggest separation because of the effects on my child who is highly sensitive. I am wondering am I being selfish and reactive.

My husband was sad and shocked at first when I said I wanted to split, and that’s because I can’t ever see myself being intimate with him again. I have never enjoyed sex or even kissing him.
And our communication issues are huge. Mind you he has driven me mad with resentment and I have been more affected by menopause too than I realised perhaps and balancing hormones might help…

a year later we have been talking more and making plans to sell our house. He seems to have accepted it and moved further towards separation as I’m having doubts again. If he was remotely interested in couples counselling it might be something we could work on but he’s not willing to “put himself through this” as he thinks it’ll be me blaming him for everything. I can’t get past the thought that if I’m still with him in 5 years time (when my only child is 18) I will have wasted a good chunk of my life.
He thinks the problems are all mine.
I think it’s related to issues we have with communicating where I literally feel we are unable to express our emotions or thoughts freely to one another. He gets very defensive when I try and talk about my feelings.
I have a lot of trauma and grief in my background though and find it difficult to talk to anyone about it so it probably comes out all wrong.

What to do… I was hoping in some way that he would say let’s work on it and take some initiative but that is not forthcoming. Are these problems surmountable? I don’t know that they are, people fundamentally don’t change right?

The word that jumped out at me there was peacefully…if things are peaceful as they are, I’d be tempted to stay. Having to split finances and time with the DC would likely be a drop in the quality of life for everyone. Could you come to some kind of arrangement where you were allowed to both discreetly get your sexual needs met elsewhere? That could get messy but probably less messy than the alternative of different houses, new partners, possible blended families, maybe new siblings etc etc etc.

God this thread is so depressing! Completely disagree with a PP who said you're not as physically attractive anymore in your 30s and 40s and that anyone who is over 30/40 who can't hold down a relationship is damaged in some way: There are loads of very attractive people of that age- many more so than 20 somethings! And some people (me) are (gladly) brave enough not to settle (which sadly a lot of women who are desperate for children/marriage, and men who are unattractive/unconfident, do). But then again I never wanted children and I'm not one of these silly women who is desperate for a wedding and a family in order to "fit in"-its about WHO you are marrying, not the wedding! Physical attraction and sex is very important to me and I refuse to compromise on that. I'm in my 30s, and I can't wait to see the first round of divorces happening when I'm there all smug and deliriously happy with the person I've waited for!

Outside of abuse or contempt, I would stay in a safe comfortable roommate-like relationship a thousand times over the possibility of my children gaining a stepmum, step siblings or half siblings.

I meant to add that if a family/children/being a mum is what you really want as a woman, then that changes things a lot- you obviously can't wait around forever for the perfect man to turn up as you risk missing out on that, so compromises are usually necessary and you have to weigh up your "options" (and that unfortunately usually involves "choosing" someone who is a "good" man, but who you don't really fancy or who doesn't set your world on fire, then once the kids arrive and get older there's no longer any intimacy. But, your desire/need for children overrode everything else, and it's only after the kids arrive and it's too late that you realise what a dud/bore/whatever he is). Yes, some do get lucky and meet their person in their teens/20s, but not a lot. I thank the Lord all the time that I never wanted children as I have never felt the pressure to "find someone" to "settle down" with.9

I knew a couple who stayed together for the sake of the kids when he cheated.

I don’t know if they regretted it but their kids certainly did. The mother was forever sniping at the father and the kids had a miserable upbringing and came away with fucked up ideas about normal relationships

You can't wait for the first round of divorces whilst you're there all smug? If this is how you are as a person I'm surprised you have any friends whose divorces you will smugly be celebrating.

Your post is not the flex you think it is.

Agree with this and others who have said it. Fair enough to make the choice to prioritise your own happiness, but please own it and don’t say it’s to model anything positive to the children. Rather than teaching me to pursue my own happiness, my parents’ divorce, following no abuse and a very stable home, had the opposite effect. It led (I believe) to me settling down much earlier than I might have done, desperate for the stability that was taken suddenly. It has led (I believe) to me prioritising my children almost to a fault, where I will avoid any risk or conflict to keep them happy, and ironically I put myself last to an unhealthy degree. So I think it’s fair enough to leave a marriage for your own happiness - we all deserve to be happy - but it winds me up when it’s painted as some healthy, beneficial role modelling for kids. Maybe it is sometimes. Not in my case. I wish they’d stuck it out for a few more years. Once again I would state that I do not apply this to situations of abuse and sheer misery!

edited to add: I would say that the most healing thing my parents have done in recent years is apologise for the disruption and upset their divorce caused. I’m not sure that many parents acknowledge this or say this to their adult children - and it meant so much.

People can change certain things and attitudes towards disagreements is one.

The book ‘Fight Right’ by Gottman is excellent. I recommend you both read it and then reread together and discuss it.

If you like the book then try the rest of Gottmans work - seven principles… and 8 dates. Best relationship books out there imo.

It has helped me understand so much more. Flooding has to be dealt with, you need to say I’m flooding can we take a break. I think the book just makes you far more aware of what is happening to each other and you can approach as a team. Honestly buy the books. The worse that will happen is you will divorce and have better skills for the future.

I do get it OP

a failing marriage is a ballach whatever way you go

i don’t think your DH is done with it though. He has said it’s your choice. He sounds ok! Do you still laugh?

my DH and I have been through so much that he barely speaks much to me - our child has been unwell. I run the house and am treated with disdain. I’m too tired to leave and it would tip ill child over the edge so we live quite unhappily. The kids don’t see it largely

I suspect many marriages are a version of this by the way. Most people are too broke or lazy or tired to change I!

I actually wish I’d encountered Gottmans work when it was published. I think my life would be quite different. I am surprised so few mention his books on MN when they are an easy read and relationship changing. In fact some of the exercises are very fun.

I reread at least one of his works annually as a refresher. I’ve explained bits to my children too and will encourage them to read his books at 16/17 or so.

When I see co-parents who have split up but seemingly still like each other and get on well and not re-partnered, I do sometimes think: was it worth blowing up your life/your children's life for this?

I almost ended up splitting up in the toddler years. It was a bit more tense than your situation but also a long foundation and no abuse etc.

We didn't stay together for DC exactly, but inertia kept us together a bit longer and then things got a bit better and then we had to work together a bit more to help DC through some stuff and eventually we found the connection to put the effort in and rebuild. I can't imagine splitting now.

It is a problem that your DH is so disengaged that he has left the decision with you. He will need to work hard to give you two a chance.

How old are your kids? Mine were 7 and 9 when we split. My ex and I nested the children so they stayed in the home while we moved in and out. He lived with his new partner half the week and I lived with mine the other half. My dining room had a good sofabed and a chest of drawers for him while he stayed so he didn’t use my private space. This wouldn’t work for many couples but it worked for us for a number of reasons:

We have very similar views on parenting and even though we didn’t get along as a couple (we split because he realised he was gay) he was a fully present and active coparent - arranged and did his fair share of doctor/dentist appointments, shopped and cooked on his days, did equal school/club/activity runs, did the kids laundry, etc.

Financially generous - when we lived together we had a joint account for bills and mortgage and he continued to pay his full half after he moved out.

We got along with each others new partners - and they weren’t jealous/possessive/weirded out by the situation. We’ll never be besties but we can have a pleasant chat when we meet each other.

It was unusual and it was a privilege to be able to do this. My ex and I thought very carefully about it and had a relentless focus on putting the kids front and centre of any arrangement, even if it inconvenienced us. The kids stayed in the same house, went to the same school, did the same clubs and to be honest, I think they would tell you their lives didn’t change that much. My partner came with me when it was my turn to be in the house and it all just became a normal routine. If anything, my DD jokes that she has one mum and three dads. My DP has been great with the kids and they love him which also helps.

The kids are adults now. My ex and I are divorced and my DP and I bought him out of the marital home.

I’ll be honest and say that it took a lot of energy and effort for me to push us down this route without getting angry and bitter, especially in the early days (it wasn’t how I anticipated my life or marriage in my 40s) but it was worth it.

Edited to add: the kids had access to both of us even if we weren’t the resident parent. I’d pop in after work if I was needed for something and vice versa, and they could FaceTime or call whenever they wanted.

I was a child of divorce, it happened when I was about 6, and I only have two memories of dad living with us. Just mum and me was my normal, I saw dad on Sundays, and that was fine by me. Home was mum’s house, and that’s where I wanted to be.

Honestly? I would try to do whatever you can to make yourself well, while you are still with him. The trouble with ourselves is that wherever we run to, we are there. Try counselling on yourself (not your relationship, at first) and also get yourself physically healthy (people who are not their best are no happy). You will either end the process feeling ready to fly away, or you might have a more nuanced understanding of your issues and whether they would pop up whoever you are with.

I think for kids, parents staying together as a family unit is always the best option unless one parent is mistreating the other in some way (abuse, cheating, generally disrespectful/lazy/unkind etc) in which case it obviously would wrongly teach them it is ok to put up with that.

But there is too much emphasis on the romantic, sexual elements of a relationship nowadays, where actually i think a loving friendship is the most important foundation for a marriage or partnership.

I think if there is genuine peace in your relationship that is quite an achievement.

Ah bless. Lots of women waited, weren't 'rushing' and most ' waited for the right person'. Many, many divorces ( I think now, most) happen in the 50's and 60's when people realise actually that even though they did everything right and thought they had met ' the one' people change. I wouldn't be so smug if I were you!

My parents did. It was horrible to grow up with them faking a happy marriage for us. She divorced him in her 50s and has never been happier. I'm sad that she lost all those years being unhappy.

Totally agree and I think too much focus on Insta perfection. I’ve been with my husband 37 years. We’ve had some really awful times, really difficult life events and ND in the mix( mine and the dc’s). I had therapy and was then referred to an amazing couples therapist. The progress we’ve made has been mind blowing. We’re working really hard and some really entrenched bad habits are shifting. We’re more respectful and understand each other better. We’ll be heading into retirement happier, content and more empathetic.I think we’ve realise how we neglected our relationship, how well we support each other,how well we get along and how much we actually like each other.

All couples differ and yes some should part but I think generally as a society we’re losing the ability to work at relationships.

I left an abusive relationship. I’m not sure I’d have left if we could have rubbed along with friends.

That said, it was a particularly nasty break up. I don’t envy couples, I envy successful coparents.