Did anyone stay together for the children and not regret it?

[SadlyNotATroll]

As the title says really… did anyone stay for the kids and not regret it? We have two daughters of primary school age. There’s no abuse or anything, but we have nothing in common any more, we just sort of peacefully coexist. We don’t share a room, there’s no intimacy. Tale as old as time. We’ve discussed separation a few times recently but what it boils down to for both of us is not wanting to spend 50% of our lives away from the kids and feel we are a better unit together than apart. DH has made it clear the ball is in my court. One day I want to stay, the next I think we’d be better off apart.

has anyone stayed in similar and not regretted it?

If it's what you both want ,you will both make it work.
You can choose to put the effort in ,to go on dates ,to invest in your relationship.
No one that ,either of you will get together with ,will love your DC as much as you both do .that is a fantastic starting point to make a marriage work.
Having been through my parents divorce as a child,and ending up spending half my life with my dad and his new wife and family,and the other half of my life with my mum and her new family..I knew it was never something I was going to inflict on my DC .
I had horrendous step parents, ,I never felt I belonged anywhere ,no where felt like home , because I was always moving between two homes and two families.and so it made me work extra hard at my marriage.
Plus we couldn't of afforded two houses ,two lots of bills .

You're taking on guilt that is not yours to take, if your kids had no idea things were bad that shows what a good mum you are.

Unless the marriage is abusive I would stay. The popular mumsnet trope that it’s all about you, you alone and that you deserve to be happy is propagated by people who would like everyone to do what they did.

i could never imagine splitting up our family for my sake or my own individual happiness.

The DCs would be absolutely devastated.

As for finding my new new love to crowbar into their lives to make me even happier….

How are you 100% sure?

Far too many reasons to disclose on here. He lived/worked in the ME for 4 years.

Thanks for putting this so clearly. I feel 100% the same. I would give my right arm to rewind and try at saving my marriage again. Of course though it takes two to tango.

Yes, I have stayed. And I have no regrets.

We have had major rocky patches over the years (been together 25 years now, married 20+). But then things improve again. Rocky patches have included no intimacy for months (more like years on one occasion).

ultimately we respect each other and have shared values, including about the children. We have had a decent few years now - weirdly the lockdowns brought us closer and the children getting older has eased pressures on life generally.

It’s not perfect but we also each recognise that we are not easy people and so we have stuck together. Neither ever wanted to be the one to move out or force the other to move out.

Our children are happy and doing well and we have a nice life altogether. Financially secure too.

Interestingly ive got a couple of friends who've said similar recently.

One has actually decided to look at a reconciliation with her ex. He's really not a bad guy and a lovely dad, she just got so hung up on thinking she didn't "fancy him" any more. A lot of us felt at the time she was walking away from a lot, it was very sad. He was gutted about it.

I suppose the other part of it is what if you decided to co-exist and then in a few years one you met someone and wanted to change the dynamic? Would it be worse after having settled into a new "normal"? I don't know, but it's worth thinking about.

I agree with the majority of PPs. There are so many risks to leaving an OK marriage when you still have children at home, chiefly the chaos it can bring into their lives from the introduction of new partners/ blended families- which are almost never in children’s best interests. I’ve seen it many times with family and friends.

I don’t think “modelling healthy relationships by getting divorced” is a thing unless it’s an abusive relationship.

My nan and grandad ,,at the age of 86 and 90 they realised how much actual love was their and made by sticking together through the shit bits and boring bits .

Well I'm still here. DP is pleasant and attractive but we're flatmates now and have been for years. Breaking up is unthinkable as neither of us would be willing to live away from DS half the time. I don't give a toss about sex, I enjoy other things entirely.

I think it's almost standard after fifty for relationships to become comfortable co habitation.

Might feel very different after DS moves into adulthood but for now this is my family and my home.

I chose to leave but that was because she cheated, still one of the hardest decisions I had to take and it left my son heartbroken and not seeing my son everyday took it's toll on my mental health.

But I made the decision not to get involved in any relationship until DS is 18,when I'm not working from Friday eve until Monday morning all my time is dedicated to my son and it wouldn't be fair on any potential partner to have so little time.

It's sad to see so many women putting themselves down saying now they are over 40 they are not attractive or won't meet anyone, there are many attractive women in there 40s and older.

But that's not the point, if there is no cheating involved, no domestic violence or arguments and your really going to struggle with 50/50 then absolutely stay for the sake of your children.

We split because it had gone too far but I tried my hardest to stay. If there was a pleasant atmosphere at home I think I would have stayed. I don’t know if that is good advice or not because it’s not my experience.

Sure it’s been said already but you need to try counselling and both need to put the effort into one another for some time before you decide

IKWYM about no intimacy. You’d have to be able to find it to continue. I needed some affection.

Good luck.

Yes I stayed until my children were grown. There was no way I would have disrupted their home and the idea of them being subjected to new partners was completely unacceptable to me. They are all fine, in functional relationships and have a great relationship with me. I left my husband later on and they don’t have much of a relationship with him, but that’s entirely their choice.

This is exactly why I haven’t left.

My relationship is struggling. I’m angry a lot. We are into intimate every couple of months or so (mainly my choice). But I have no fantasy that there’s a better relationship out there for me. He’s my person, but both of us are the sort of personality who is happier single overall. However we have children and it is my view that all 4 of us are actually happier than we would be outside the goup - even though I worry I’m modelling a detached relationship style to them.

This is my general hunch

I left an abusive relationship was single for years have my children 50 per cent of the time. It is sheer hell to be away from them that much. If I could give you advice it would be to stay where you and your children are safe and then once they are grown separate . Good luck and all the best x

Isn't this just what marriage becomes like after a certain length of time? Who can honestly look at their grandparents and say they were madly in love their entire marriage? Or their parents for that matter? Do they have constant romantic getaways and very active sex lives or are they just comfortable with eachother and enjoy eachothers company? The wedding vows are to look after each other and stay together through all the highs and lows. Marriage is full of ups and downs but you get past it and continue moving forward together.

My parents divorced when I was around 8, I believe someone cheated although I don't know all the details. It hugely affected me and my siblings, we're all in our 30s now and still living with the effects of them getting divorced now. I can't even have a family birthday party for my son because there's so many family fallouts to work around. They're both in long term relationships with other partners now but I can honestly say they are mostly just convenience and companionship, even in their new relationships they've moved way past any initial romance.

Children aren't interested in their parent's sex life and don't even like to think it's a thing. So if their parent's don't fancy each other but run a calm committed household and family life where they aren't arguing or criticising each other the lack of sex between them doesn't model anything to their children.
It's an excuse used by adults to justify splitting up families in the search of their own needs. Which is fine if that's your choice, but you have to own it and not deflect it onto some kind of selfless act to set positive examples to children.
In the absence of abuse, it is just not the case that the majority of children are better off when their parents split. Every single measurable indicator of achievement and well being is statistically worse for children in families that have split up. That's not saying it is for every child, but the probability is that it will be. No families are perfect but a non abusive family with both parents together is fare more likely to be beneficial to the attainment of children than a family where parent's have separated. That's the facts.

Its a very special kind of cruelty for children who have to constantly move from house to house every few days. Never belonging in either , nowhere to really call home. Watching new brothers and sisters able to stay comfortably in one place. As an adult living in two places would be intolerable but we seem to expect this of children who have no choice in the matter.
I witnessed it in my own family and as a teacher. If it can be avoided I really think it should be and if you are content why would you do that to your children.

I stayed until the children were older and I tried very hard for many years but I regret wasting my life trying. It was not a good example for my DC. They have both had counselling about relationships as a consequence but they’re doing well now. I see similar with some family and friends - lives of quiet desperation.

I don’t have anything to add here other than to say it’s refreshing to hear experiences where people stayed together, and it either got better or they didn’t regret it.

We had no regular intimacy after DD was born for about 5 years - exhaustion, not feeling in the mood because of a small child metres away, limited opportunities for alone time…. however, with a bit of effort we got back on track. We didn’t even discuss it, just slowly the hugs, then the odd kiss, and the more intimate stuff came back. Won’t happen in every case obviously, but did for us.

i felt like my marriage was abusive in that my exH spoke to me very harshly, critically, put me down in front of family, friends and the kids, and was emotionally abusive (from my perspective anyway) the atmosphere in our home was awful, tense, unhappy, and the kids were anxious around us. I asked for a separation eventually as the emotional strain took a toll on me physically eventually. Really all I wanted was a separation, I just felt we needed space from each other because the stress on me was making me ill, maybe I’m just too emotionally sensitive or something, I wish I had been a bit more combative not that I didn’t advocate for myself but he brow beat me. But he never hit me, and he provided well for us all and loves our kids as they do him, so I will always and ever feel guilty for being the one to instigate it. He said to me that once he moved out there was no going back. I’ll never know if he regretted that, but we have reached a reasonable co parenting situation now and kids are doing ok, but I am in no doubt that it has affected them and probably will do when they enter their own adult relationships. I wish I could have endured, tried harder, been less sensitive, but I felt beaten down. That’s not abuse though, so was I wrong to leave? 😣

As I put it, with my ex wife, had we stayed together one of us would have ended up in prison for murdering the other.

And it would not have been me in prison

Witnesses report her abusing her subsequent partner and she has never managed to maintain a relationship