Did anyone stay together for the children and not regret it?

[SadlyNotATroll]

As the title says really… did anyone stay for the kids and not regret it? We have two daughters of primary school age. There’s no abuse or anything, but we have nothing in common any more, we just sort of peacefully coexist. We don’t share a room, there’s no intimacy. Tale as old as time. We’ve discussed separation a few times recently but what it boils down to for both of us is not wanting to spend 50% of our lives away from the kids and feel we are a better unit together than apart. DH has made it clear the ball is in my court. One day I want to stay, the next I think we’d be better off apart.

has anyone stayed in similar and not regretted it?

I can't imagine living my life without some sort of intimacy. Not necessarily sex, but cuddles and general touching. I'd miss that.

I can't answer your question but that was my first thought.

Why is the ball in your court? It’s a bad idea, it’s not teaching your daughters anything good about healthy relationships and if one of you meets someone else it will end in disaster anyway. If you can already get on so well then you’d be better separating and having a collaborative healthy coparenting relationship.

You’d feel like you were living a prison sentence until your kids are old enough to cope with the separation? GCSE years aren’t good, a levels, university etc. it could be years.

It’s an impossible position to be in and as someone who did leave I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I could rewind two years.

I left and I have to say I often regret it as it’s cost me so much emotionally and financially. As much as we’d become roommates he still was my person and no one else has compared and dating feels a horror show. The final detachment has been very painful. I have no safety net now, no second income to buffer me if I’m unwell or made redundant, in that sense it’s cost me my peace. I honestly feel like I’ve burned my life down for it to be worse for a while. It’s a lonely and scary place to be. Maybe I’ll get to the point of other posters who say it’s the best thing they ever did, and maybe it will be but be aware it may not feel like that for some time when you are in the thick of it.

In a way it was better for us to separate now rather than in a few more years time when one of us had had an affair or resentment meant we struggled to be civil. But if I could go back two years I’d throw my all into saving it if I knew what I know now.

I also don’t think it’s fair for him to say the ball is in your court. This is a momentous decision and should be made together if your marriage is beyond the point of repair. You two should both decide that and then decide together the next steps.

I think another decade is a long time to live through, before your kids may be looking at university or moving out.

I did it for three years and then we separated. The kids are fine, he is happier alone, and I am wildly happy.

I think the advice on MN is nearly always to split, you deserve happiness etc. But if you do co-exist quite happily it probably is in your kids' best interests if you stay together. But I don't think that's a particularly popular point of view. There of course may come a point that one of you decides emphatically that they want to fully split and then that's a different situation.

Do you know jow you wemt from being a couple to housemates? Is there any way back?

I agree with this.

I see the ‘teaching them about healthy relationships’ thing all the time, but I don’t think there’s anything inherently unhealthy about peacefully co-existing - I think our ideas about and expectations of romantic love are relatively new and not always realistic.

Weighed against the financial and emotional upheaval to your children, it’s a lot to consider. I’m with you that I couldn’t countenance not being with my DC 50% of the time, 50% of Christmases, holidays etc. We’d have to move from the lovely house we live in, DC’s life would be disrupted, I don’t actually think going back and forth between 2 homes would suit them at all. For the record, DH and I are happy and have a good marriage (most of the time!) - I might of course feel differently if I was genuinely unhappy with him. There was a time things were really difficult for a while though and these are the sorts of things that went through my head.

Its an incredibly personal decision, I wouldn’t judge either way, but I don’t think it’s necessarily true that by staying you’re setting some terrible example which is what is often argued on here.

I think people are overly optimistic about what life can become after splitting. To be brutally realistic, people in their 30s/40s aren't really going to be dating in the same way as your early 20s. You're not as physically attractive anymore, neither are any potential partners. Virtually everyone comes with baggage which makes you wonder what happened that caused their relationship or family to break down. There will be lots of narcissists, serial cheaters or bitter and angry people on the market. Or socially dysfunctional adults who have never managed to hold down a LT relationship (possibly due to neurodivergence, ill health or whatnot). That's not even including the complexity of stepkids, blending families or the very real risk of exposing your own children to abuse from non-related partners or stepsiblings.

Honestly, all of that isn't worth the risk if your currently living situation is not ideal but safe. At least you know your DH well and it may not be worth uprooting the children for a fictional future that statistically have the cards stacked against you.

Interesting point and one you don't often hear on MN.
X

This is an interesting perspective! Do you think the grass is greener when it comes to being single Vs in a long-term relationship?

I stayed together with my DH. We “love” each other as best friends, we’ve been together since we were 19 but nothing more than that. DS1 is 21 and DS2 is 15. We have a good life, he has a good job which enables me to work as a TA in a job I love. We have a nice house, go on lovely holidays and DS is at Uni. Have there been times when I wanted more? Yes of course. And I’m 100% sure that DH had someone else when he worked abroad. But would I change my choice now, no I wouldn’t.

I agree with a previous poster - dating in your 40s is just awful. And even if you did meet someone it’s years before you’d realistically have a life where you live together.

75% of all the time you’ll ever have with your children is over by the time they are aged 12 95% by age 18. Do you really want to lost that precious time by then splitting custody 50/50?

im single raising 3 primary age children. Certainly not my choice. Their lives now and in the future will forever be impacted emotionally physically and financially by a family split into 2.

I believe getting married and most of all having children with someone involves a promise. I don’t break my promises just because life gets a bit boring

Have you tried to “bring the spark back”? Is there any chance you could make it work so you are back being intimate etc or is there no way back to that kind of marriage for you?

The ball shouldn’t just be in your court, he is putting it all on you.

I understand not wanting to not see the kids everyday, but what happens when one of you meets someone? Surely its better to do it to the kids now then when they are older?’

Not everyone will have a fairytale marriage with passion and romance that lasts consistently through the years, especially those who don't put a lot of effort into their marriage.

It sounds like you have a nice family life. You should put more effort into nurturing that.

I would think you have to wait until one’s children have made their marriage decisions in adulthood to know whether it was a good idea to ‘stay together for the children.’ Because one of the reasons for getting divorced is because of what you are role modelling to your children about relationships. It isn’t just about whether they are happier because of staying together in childhood. Because if they go off in to the world, end up marrying someone who they don’t remotely fancy, because that’s what they’ve learnt, then that is a longer problem.

I think there’s good arguments for both sides tbh. It would break my heart to be apart from my kids 50% of the time, and I hated going between houses when I was a child of divorced parents. I’m not sure I agree that we kids were happier with them split up instead of sticking it out and co existing. I never picked up on unhappiness when they were together, and I was an older teenager when they split. I certainly picked up on unhappiness afterwards. But lots of people do it and say it works fine. What I would never do, even if DH and I split, is bring a new live-in partner into my kids’ lives or blend families. II’d wait to re partner til they were grown (if at all)

What an astonishingly balanced and honest point of view. Thank you. I often think about leaving and living a new life, starting again and all the possibilities tied into that - but I'm the wrong side of 40 to be wildly attractive, in a good worklife-balance, 3 kids who I adore and wouldn't want to not see every night, a DH who is frustrating and lazy at times but also generous, and not unkind or cruel.

MN makes out if you aren't 100% all the time there's something wrong and you MUST leave. But there's a lot to be said for acceptance.

Think about this. Do you want your children in a situation like this with their husband or wife? If yiu do this you teach them this is perfectly fine. Don't do this.

This makes me sad. I will always feel guilty that my dc go between two houses and have a broken home etc. My marriage was abusive (coercive control) and I was miserable. But the dc had no idea. I remember my ds telling me that he had no idea as he didn’t think we argued.

They both seem happy now, but who knows. I am so much happier. I have met someone (we don’t live together) and for me I’m so glad I did leave. I wish I’d left years earlier.

@buymeflowers
I agree with this. As someone who separated from an abusive husband, he was emotionally and financially abusive. I had a reason to leave.
However, it has been very difficult, as the children are growing up and their teenage challenges are leaving me emotionally drained.

I think you are kind of thinking the grass is green on the other side, well please be aware its not. You may be thinking you would like to be in a loving relationship but there's no guarantees you will go onto find a loving partner or someone who is a freeloader.

Being away from the children 50% of the time is the hardest part aswell as, coping financially.
I think if you can live as a unit amicably then it is more beneficial to live together, maybe at least until the kids are older.
Unfortunately, there's no easy solution, life is full of struggles and we have to carry on as best as we can.
I wish you all the best with whatever choice you make.

@usererror99
Totally agree with this. I am going through a difficult phase with my 18 and 14 year old.
Being a single parent is very difficult.

Oh gosh, abuse is a totally different story. If my parents’ relationship had been abusive, we kids would 💯 have picked up on it, and we all would have been far happier with them split. I’m talking about a case where it was a harmonious home (for us kids at least), they were rubbing along ok, and there was lots of angst afterwards - whereas I imagine you are a million times happier. I didn’t mean to upset.

edited to add: regardless of whether your dc picked up on it, you were being abused - I’d never advocate staying in that situation. That you kids have to split their time etc is not for you to feel guilt about

Totally unfair of him to say the ball's in your court. So all blame, costs, arrangements are on you to sort. How convenient for him!
How can you both realistically expect each other to have no relationships for years on end? Or does he already have someone so it's a cake and eat it situation? Don't you want a sexual relationship with someone, you're only in your 30s?
It sounds a bit miserable.