AIBU to think I cannot do much more about my adult daughter's weight?

[Forthelovagod]

Adult dd 20. Lives at home. Her boyfriend also lives with us. She has an implant for contraception and since that was put in and since being with her bf she has piled on weight to the point im worried about her health. She's probably got a bmi of around 30 but won't weigh herself.

She's incredibly touchy over this. They eat too many take aways, sweets, fizzy juice etc which they buy themselves. Yesterday i mentioned the juice etc... She tells me most of her friends snort coke on a weekend, i should cut her some slack. But obesity has massive health implications.

I feel even gently encouraging exercise or mentioning eating well and she's triggered. She has previously self harmed and been very low (pre bf) mh services were not helpful/accessible

Other than set good example, rest of family healthy weights, eat well, play sports etc What can i do? I feel like im watching her health deteriorate infront of my eyes.

Aibu to think i can't do much else.

Both work, dd and her bf. Both contribute to the house and everyone does their own stuff... Washing cooking etc.

Up their rent so they can't afford take aways

Absolutely don't mention anything, not just about her weight but also judgements around what she is eating/drinking.

The only thing you can do is ensure she has access to healthy options, home cooked meals, plenty of fruit and veg available. And encourage activity. Maybe invite her on walks, to play tennis if you have a local court, swimming, whatever she enjoys. Make it as easy and accessible to her as possible, and most importantly fun without pressure. Don't make her think she has to do it to lose weight, just that its a normal part of life and enjoying time with her family.

If she then chooses to buy 'junk' food with her own money, that is up to her. It may be a phase, it might just be her choice on how she wants to live her life. But any potential glimpses of judgement over this is likely to push her to eat more, isolate her from you and further damage her mental health. Including comments on how 'healthy' other people are, what they/you are doing 'better'.

I have a close family member that never directly called me fat, but they have made plenty of comments over the years about others being fat or overweight or unhealthy when they have been the same size as me, or how good and 'well' others look when they are slim or toned. Its always been implied. From when I was a teenager and county level at sports. And I have always exercised, not necessarily as much or as regularly as I would like given, life, but I try! And never been more than around a size 14, including post partum. Those comments damage you and your relationship with food, and they stay with you. Its been decades and I remember the attitude and still feel inadequate when visiting. The things you say, or don't say but imply, can make people eat more or massively restrict.

Please be very very careful with addressing anything, and just support her.

Really tough situation. Is her bf overweight? And the crowd she hangs out with?

So just because you won’t die this week it doesn’t matter? Ok let her shorten her life span, weaken her joints and risk diabetes then.

She knows she’s obese so pestering her won’t help.

Why is being overweight sacrosanct?

If someone is starving themselves, taking drugs, drinking too much, or taking part in any other dangerous and reckless behaviour it's ok to intervene. Just not when someone is eating themselves into obesity.

Those who are obese in early adulthood have an 85% increased risk of premature death.

Two out of three of my adult children have piled on weight once I no longer had control of what they consumed. I never, ever comment unless I am
asked for my advice. They both know … and they know how to eat well, right now they choose not to for various reasons. It’s hard sometimes, but I bite my tongue and say nothing…

When I came home from university I was overweight (too much cider and a poor diet). My mum put me on a diet and I lost half a stone that summer and looked much better by the time I started my Masters.

Yes, you can do something with adult kids.

It's like it's rude to tell someone they are fat but not rude to tell them they are (too) thin.

We live in a strange world.

I've been the overweight daughter whose mum was itching to solve the problem (although my BMI was much higher than 30, which isn't THAT bad).
Ultimately you can't make someone else lose weight, and mentioning it will probably just make them self-conscious. You can only really help if she wants you to, and you'll probably get a defensive wall if you try to talk to her about it. I would carry on tacitly setting the good example though.

@igelkott2026only if for some reason you think the two things are exactly the same, which clearly they are not.

It’s not even that it’s rude, it’s just totally unhelpful and something that the person is likely to already know. If someone was noticeably underweight, no one would say “did you know that you’re too thin, why don’t you try eating more?” would they? It would also be legitimate to be concerned about a serious illness with weight loss as a symptom, or that it’s the start of anorexia. Being overweight or even into obese class 1 is not a sign of serious illness nor of a serious psychiatric illness like anorexia.

making comments about her exercises or food intake is very counter productive

Are you concerned it is since the implant, maybe it ia messing with her hormones and making her weight hard to manage. Suggesting she goes back to the gp to get it taken out or discuss non hormonal contraception may be useful.

It won't have anything to do with the takeaways, sweets and calorific drinks. It has to be the implant.

This is absolutely rubbish. She is her mother who cares for her and us concerned and he's she can say something. Obviously the way you say it matters, and she should not be attacking or insulting her but sometimes you need someone to speak the truth to shake you out of the hump and push you to act.

We've now normalized keeping our head in the sand and pretending everything is ok when it's not, we cannot say anything for fear of "pushing them away" etc.

Thank you. I don't get how we got to this point where we've now normalized keeping quiet and never saying anything because we don't want to upset people.

Sometimes people need to hear the truth to push them. I am not saying insult them or be aggressive etc, of course the way you say it matters a lot but I don't get this mumsnet trend of don't say anything, just keep quiet, parents are now scared to say anything to their adult kids for fear of pushing them away even through you can see them making wrong decisons.

I've seen posts on mumsnet where young adult is in a bad relationship or a son brings his GF to stay in the house and she is being rude or not helping or just stuck in the room and yet mumsnet says don't say anything for fear of pushing them away.

When did we lose the ability to have frank serious conversations? Sometimes we need to have tough conversations for progress not pretending and avoiding upsetting people while watching the situation get worse and worse and worse.

Honestly, please don't say a word. Either directly or indirectly (concern about health, telling her about a friend who has lost loads doing x, y, z etc). I can assure you, she absolutely knows she is overweight.

My mother has made digs all my life. It has tainted my relationship with her and if I did lose any weight, you could guarantee she would be all over it, somehow with I told you so.

Sometimes people need to hear the truth to push them

Push them? In the other direction I think!

@Ilovelifeverymuch People are putting across their own personal experiences that a frank conversation will be damaging to their relationship and not in any way help the DD to lose the weight. In fact it will likely make it worse.

Also, the way you have characterised the DD is to compare her being overweight to someone else being outright rude to their parents, not helping out around the house, not leaving their room.... the DD eats too much, that's all. It's not a deep awful character flaw, as much as people like to suggest that it is.

Never mind that there is no evidence at all that having a tough frank conversation actually leads to any change.

Are they saving for a deposit? Do they have plans to travel or do various hobbies, etc. in the next few years?

I wonder whether talking about their future plans would encourage them to save more to fulfill those dreams, rather than spending their money on takeaways?
It sounds as if they have almost "too much" disposable income to waste on junk food IYSWIM.

I do understand how you're feeling @Forthelovagod, in this situation, I'd also be worried about my DD's health (she's 21). As parents, we just want the best health outcomes for them and now that we're middle-aged, we're seeing the effects of not looking after yourself among some family and friends.

Didn't he realise he he was overweight without your "helpful" comments though?

I don't really understand all this "DH and I would tell each other if we put on weight" stuff - surely people notice themselves when they've put weight on?!

He did notice, but was in denial. He was still squeezing into his trousers, avoiding the scales and mirrors. Kidding himself he wasn’t as fat as he was.

I could do the same (to a degree). My husband too. I have no hesitation in saying ‘you need to lose a few pounds to him’. He actually appreciates it.