AIBU to think I cannot do much more about my adult daughter's weight?

[Forthelovagod]

Adult dd 20. Lives at home. Her boyfriend also lives with us. She has an implant for contraception and since that was put in and since being with her bf she has piled on weight to the point im worried about her health. She's probably got a bmi of around 30 but won't weigh herself.

She's incredibly touchy over this. They eat too many take aways, sweets, fizzy juice etc which they buy themselves. Yesterday i mentioned the juice etc... She tells me most of her friends snort coke on a weekend, i should cut her some slack. But obesity has massive health implications.

I feel even gently encouraging exercise or mentioning eating well and she's triggered. She has previously self harmed and been very low (pre bf) mh services were not helpful/accessible

Other than set good example, rest of family healthy weights, eat well, play sports etc What can i do? I feel like im watching her health deteriorate infront of my eyes.

Aibu to think i can't do much else.

@Floppyearedlab Being emaciated is much more immediately harmful than being overweight or obese (grade 1). It could also be a sign of a significant illness or medical issue, or a sign of anorexia which has one of the highest mortality rates of any psychiatric disorder.

This is exactly what I was going to say- I know a lot of people get worked up about weight loss injections but they work and are geared up for people with a BMI in your daughter range. Maybe she thinks she hasn’t got those as an option because of price- your offer might make it achievable for her

I just find it depressing that people think that the OPs daughter is awful for being fat, like she's doing something really terrible or has some massive moral failing that the OP is sat wringing her hands about. Whereas the DD has a boyfriend, may well be working or studying and generally being a normal member of society with likely many positive qualities. She is not unusual in being overweight either, as the majority of the UK adult population is overweight or obese!

YANBU. The body positivity movement has a lot to answer for in encouraging obesity and making people think it isn’t okay to mention.

It absolutely is okay to mention and if you’re worried for someone’s health then you should mention it.

It doesn’t matter how touchy someone is about it; you can’t go through life making detrimental choices and expecting no one to comment on it in case you get “triggered”.

You do realise that just because something is a majority that doesn’t make it okay, right?

It is not okay to be obese. It is incredibly damaging to your health and other people also burying their head in the sand over how bad it is does not make it healthier for you.

@BeSunnyLemonSheep thanks for explaining that... did I say anywhere that it is therefore ok to be overweight/obese? You'd have to live under a rock to not be aware that being overweight/obese is a significant health risk.

The DD will know she is overweight or obese. She really will. The not wanting to weigh herself is evidence that she knows and doesn't want to address it, yet. Shaming her, telling her what she already knows but doesn't want to verbalise, will just make the situation worse. It will produce feelings of shame, failure, and so on. I know people like to think that a harsh intervention will make a fat woman drop the weight, but if that were true there wouldn't be a societal issue with overweight/obesity.

She’s 20? Your fussing and tactlessness will harm her more than the odd Mars bar.

Always difficult to know what to do and very much depends on the individual.

I was at the gym a few months ago and got chatting to a new young woman who I had not seen before when she was using the equipment next to me. I never mentioned her weight but she was very obese.

She said she was there to do something about her weight. She said that she had always been on the larger side but over the last two years work had been manic and she had moved into a house that needed a lot doing to it and hadn't been paying attention. It wasn't until she saw a photo of herself at a party that she realised just how big she had got and was appalled. She was bitterly complaining that she couldn't believe that none of her family or friends had said anything to her about it because now she had an even bigger mountain to climb to get rid of it.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't!

Obesity is a very complex condition op (even the medical profession are finally beginning to realise it!) No amount of telling her to stop drinking juice will get her to lose weight. She needs proper support.

I’ve told my DH that if I ever put weight on he needs to tell me. Not saying anything is why people end up the way they do

Does she like healthy food? Like if yoh cook somrthing she will eat it?
Can you do slow cooker hotpots so theres food available thats good and nutritious, maybe go on a cooking course together?
Does she work? If not could she do something physical like dog walking?
Dont give up, I know shes an adult but my whole family do support each other to be healthy and we are all adults.

You’ll be surprised how many people seem to think it’s okay to tell someone they’re fat or that they need to lose weight. I’m not saying the OP is saying anything in a insensitive way but loads of people who seem to think it’s okay to comment on weight

I’d have told my mum to piss off if she’d said that to me. I still would.

OP, your daughter is a grown woman. She knows she’s fat and she knows why. Leave her alone. You’re not helping.

It's really really not.

I also think it’s incredible how so many Mumsnetters would probably never comment on anyone else’s weight, but somehow think it’s fine to comment on it when it’s their adult child. It’s as if some parents think they have some sort of ownership over another adult’s body and lifestyle just because they happened to give birth to them.

Thing is there is not much you can do. Nagging won’t help. Maybe invite her to hike or jog with you. Who cooks in the home? If it’s you then only
cook healthy stuff?

The reality is your daughter knows shes fat, she knows her clothes don’t fit. So nagging is unlikely
to assist.

Almost exactly the same happened to me when I was 16/17 and went on the pill. Spent a lot of time at boyfriends eating large portions of unhealthy food and just piled on the weight. I don't think I ever really lost it all but was definitely a more healthy weight once we broke up and I stopped with the junk food.
I would suggest trying a different birth control as well, hormones can increase appetite and cause weight gain (in my experience) and maybe something else will suit her better (not sure whether the implant can come out or not?). With her diet, she's still very young and they do love their junk food. I think she will largely have to realise on her own unfortunately. I wouldn't have thanked my mum for interfering.

Not true.

Yes!
my father thought he could comment on my weight gain .
eating disorder all my life due to his highly abusive behaviour.
oh the irony…

Don't most people know when they have put weight on and don't need someone to tell them?

My mum always got at me about how fat I was, even as a young girl when the only thing I was eating is what she gave me. Developed anorexia in my mid 20s.

Youve brought it up with her OP, and she's not interested in hearing it. Obesity is unhealthy, but so are a lot of things people do. She's an adult, leave her be.

I think this is complicated. The reality is that young adults are not always "adult" in the full sense of the word. They often live at home and are supported, part-funded and looked after by their parents. Some are vulnerable and need a higher degree of support. So although they're legally 'adult', actually their parents are still taking a large degree of responsibility for their wellbeing, especially if they're developmentally young for their ages (and conditions like ADHD can mean a significant delay in emotional maturity compared to peers).

Would it be acceptable for a parent to wash their hands of an obese 15yo and say "I can't do anything more?" Probably not. When that 15yo turns 18 and is still overweight? That's more difficult. And what if they're an immature 20yo? Or there are potential mental health issues or other worries involved?

Personally, I don't ever think directly commenting on a person's weight, child or adult, is the right answer. That doesn't mean not taking any responsibility, but it means tactfully making lifestyle changes in the background at a family level to nudge them towards a healthier lifestyle.

Your not being unreasonable, you just love your child which is normal. My son (30) used to be 18 stone and he lost the weight by dieting and we excercised together. I did help him by putting snacks out of his sight, as he asked me to. He got down to 11.5 stone and he's stayed around there for the past few years. He is much happier and is much more confident in himself and I still tell him how well he did as it is so hard to lose a lot of weight. It is a slippery slope so your only doing what any good parent would do, you want what's best for your daughter.

The problem is my son realised he was big and was not happy with himself and he wanted to lose the weight. If your daughter doesnt want to then there's not much you can do as shes probably loved up with her boyfriend and is not concentrating on herself right now. If I was in your position I would just give some gentle encouragement, for example, the more weight she puts on, the harder it will be to lose it / losing weight will also give her more confidence and make her feel good about herself .. etc ..

I think it's tied to MH too, as someone else mentioned upthread. IMO overeating is as much an eating disorder as undereating.

Really tricky to navigate, you have my sympathy, OP.

How do you eat? Do you eat healthy family meals and involve her and her boyfriend or are they hiding and eating upstairs and get takeaways as feel awkward downstairs?

Don’t mention healthy eating or weight, instead encourage them to eat with you, tell them you are bored with meals and want to expand your range of recipes and ask what they fancy. Maybe see if they are up for a recipe/meal taste challenge, you make something new, then they do the following week - points for taste and bonus points for extra protein, fibre, calories, macros, cost, ease, whole ingredients, points removed for UPF ingredients. Get them interested in home cooking. Lots of recipes they can look up on TikTok including fake a ways.

Build a family recipe book of winning recipes and while that’s the most recipes by Christmas gets a decent prize