AIBU to think I cannot do much more about my adult daughter's weight?

[Forthelovagod]

Adult dd 20. Lives at home. Her boyfriend also lives with us. She has an implant for contraception and since that was put in and since being with her bf she has piled on weight to the point im worried about her health. She's probably got a bmi of around 30 but won't weigh herself.

She's incredibly touchy over this. They eat too many take aways, sweets, fizzy juice etc which they buy themselves. Yesterday i mentioned the juice etc... She tells me most of her friends snort coke on a weekend, i should cut her some slack. But obesity has massive health implications.

I feel even gently encouraging exercise or mentioning eating well and she's triggered. She has previously self harmed and been very low (pre bf) mh services were not helpful/accessible

Other than set good example, rest of family healthy weights, eat well, play sports etc What can i do? I feel like im watching her health deteriorate infront of my eyes.

Aibu to think i can't do much else.

I think you and what you consider to be gentle encouragement etc is the exact opposite of what she needs. You're only making her feel worse.

OP, I understand you are worried, but she is an adult and clearly has food issues. Commenting on it - as her mother- is in my personal experience, very damaging. I am 53 and my mother commented on my weight growing up and it only served to drive me into an eating disorder (bulimia) that I only dealt with about 5 years ago. That's nearly 40 years of a disorder. Your mother is meant to love you unconditionally, and if you comment, then she is just going to hear that your love is conditional. I KNOW you won't mean it like that, but if she is anything like me then that is what she will hear.

My aunt also used to focus on her DD's weight and her DD developed anorexia and then bulimia which she is also still dealing with at the age of 45.

The only thing you can do is love her and model good eating habits. I am still 2 stone overweight, but in the past year I have really focused on health and I have totally overhauled myself. However, yesterday I was talking with my mother (who lives in Australia) and she was busily telling me 'Your father's got so fat' with such disgust in her voice. I am visiting her in just 2 weeks and it immediately triggered all sorts of issues in me and made me think (briefly) about returning to the vomiting. The biggest compliment she can give someone is 'You have lost weight!' (Including to the neighbour who was terminally ill..... the fact she'd lost weight was the biggest thing in my mother's mind).

Now I doubt you, OP, are anything as cracked in the head about it all as my mother is, but I would allow your DD the dignity of not commenting on her appearance and letting her sort herself out- should she choose to. It's hard when you care and want her to be healthy, but this is really something that she does not need to hear from the person who is meant to think she is the best thing ever.

As she's a fully grown adult, it's time she and her boyfriend moved out to their own place so OP doesn't have to watch her ruin her health.

She has an implant for contraception and since that was put in ...
Most studies indicate that the contraceptive implant does not cause significant weight gain, though some individuals may experience minor changes.

They eat too many take aways, sweets, fizzy juice etc
Those will cause weight gain.

She tells me most of her friends snort coke on a weekend

She needs better friends

Has your daughter actually asked you to do anything about her weight?

Did he not own a mirror, or go anywhere with one?

If my mother ever told me I "looked terrible" because I'd gained weight I'm not sure I'd ever speak to her again.

"Gently encouraging" = nagging. Whenever people report that they have been "gently" sharing unsolicited advice it's interesting to wonder whether the other party wouldn't react better to a clear statement of concern and willingness to support given just once followed by not saying another word unasked for.

Nagging an adult about their weight , especially your adult offspring, is fairly likely to lead them to double down on the takeaways.

Obviously as they live with you, you could make rules about a rota for cooking and eating together unless they're financially self sufficient and paying full rent.

Do not mention her weight again- she knows what you think. Anything you do should be focused on working out with her how to live together as adults and what relationship you want, what ground rules about shared chores are acceptable to all wtc.

she might be feeling insensitive and insecure but I think you have babied her too much. If she’s at home, doesn’t contribute and has a bf staying as well. You need to cut the apron strings.

Make her valued, loved, appreciated, heard, seen regardless of her weight or any other aspect of her appearance.

Consider how you talk about weight and eating and conflating it with a person's value.

Be aware that she will have been internalising criticism her whole life.

I think I use food sometimes as a hobby boredom plusnits just rea,ly nice isn't it

So perhaps find seem hobbies ?

That a funked up that she is
Have you ever said to her what the fuck is YOUR problem
Because she nuts

Unwelcome advice is always criticism. But obesity is a health concern, and in my opinion (as a tired, grumpy fatty) is that sugar addiction is just as real, dangerous , and hard to beat as drug addiction.

If it was me, I would sit my daughter down and say you don’t want her to misinterpret anything you might say or your intentions so you will have this conversation once and then that’s it it will never be mentioned again. I would say we all know that weight can have a negative impact on not just health but also happiness, and with that in mind is her current weight and eating habits what she truly wants.

If it is, no problem she’s a grown adult and wish her all the happiness in the world.

if it’s not truly what she wants, the. Is there anything I can do to help.

I have struggled with weight all my life gaining and losing huge amounts depending on life stages. It is a difficult position where you’re not happy, it’s difficult to change, and the very thing that’s causing the unhappiness (food) actually makes you happy in the moment and provides some relief 🤷‍♀️

Its also a very tricky one for family members to get right as I want support but I also don’t want them to notice/judge/ comment x

Meh. He did look terrible. And he was miserable because he was 3 stone overweight. I’m not going to blow smoke up his arse by never mentioning it. He’s lost the weight now. He’s much happier. We loved him just the same, fat or thin. But I worried his weight gain would affect his physical and mental health.

He was here at the weekend for a family birthday. I heard one of my sisters say ‘wow, you look fantastic. You’ve lost much weight!’ He said, ‘yeah, mum told me I was a blimp’ 😂 *I didn’t actually say this word, but my comments clearly hit home. My husband and I have always agreed we’d mention it if either of us gained weight. I do not see why it has to be ignored. It needs to be nipped in the bud.

Well now we have the obesity crisis sorted, parents just need to tell their children they look terrible and bingo problem solved.

I would be you, OP, but it’s hard because she’s a grown woman. However, she is living in your house along with her bf, so that does give you some say. You could say you don’t want to see loads of fizzy drinks and takeaway boxes in your home. It’s a cultural thing in the UK how you can’t mention other people’s weight. On other countries, it would be a dereliction of duty not to say something-people are firmly told they need to lose weight. It’s nothing to do with shaming or making people feel bad-it’s a health issue that we in the UK have normalised being overweight.

They need to pay rent/bills so they havent got all that spare money for takeaways

It’s very hard as her mother to see this. You have probably been nurturing her relationship with food and exercise since she was born. You have most likely worked hard to cook her healthy meals all through childhood and ensure she was strong and healthy. I understand weight is a touchy subject and some commenters are coming from that point of view, but also you are her mother and have spent all these years being the one to feed her. It must be hard watching her feed herself in a way you feel you never taught.

I would recommend asking if she wants help. If she doesn’t, the best you can do is make sure you are still filling the home with healthy food and creating opportunities to move bodies.

I don’t think that @Forthelovagod has said whether the DD and her BF are contributing and working/studying? The assumption seems to have been made that they are unemployed spongers.

There is nothing more you can do. She's not stupid. She knows her diet isn't healthy and her weight is too high. She knows how her body feels when she moves, how much energy she has, how 'well' she looks.

I don't think you can say anything that will make her change her ways. It has to come from her own inner motivation. And if she feels shamed it could lead to secret eating or binges.

Being significantly overweight is not good for you, but it is unlikely to be immediately life-threatening. Being very underweight or having an eating disorder will kill you a lot faster.

She’ll do something about when she wants to and it’s only at that point that what she does will be effective. She knows she’s fat. She knows why she’s fat. I completely get your concern but I just wouldn’t go there.

I think you’re being a bit dramatic OP saying you’re watching her health deteriorate before your eyes. She’s 20 and with a BMI of 30, probably around a size 16 or 18 if short. It’s not optimal but it’s also not like you need to knock a wall down to get her out of the house with a crane is it. Obesity related health problems accumulate over years and years.

Being shamed or nagged is not going to help and might make it worse. Supporting her life, including her in healthy meals and activities, maybe taking a fun cooking class together so she’s not relying on takeaways, play tennis or go to Zumba together…maybe think of things like this to approach it in a way that will make her feel less defensive.

I only have sympathy, my mum has been through the same with my younger brother. He was always a bit big growing up because he had severe asthma and had to take steroids to combat it which caused weight gain. He met his wife when they were teenagers and they both had active hobbies- she was a ballet dancer, he was into football.

As they got older and dropped the hobbies, they both just got humongous. She’s very short so the weight isn’t distributed well and he’s very tall but just giant. I’d say BMI has to be nearing morbid obesity for both of them. It’s obviously striking because a decade ago they were normal size.

My mum used to get on at him constantly before he moved out. He’d get take outs every night, even after eating a meal she’d cooked, she said it was compulsive. He also drinks a lot of beer which isn’t the best. She’s given up and hopes he just wakes up to it eventually. They went on a trip to Alton Towers with my DD’s last year and he couldn’t get on the rides because the harnesses wouldn’t go round him…

It is eating you up because she lives there with her boyfriend, in reality her lodging, food intake and boyfriend should be happening all in another place