AIBU to take our daughter on holiday while DH is unwell and doesnt want me to?

[Atchooch]

This is possibly my longest ever post. I dont know how to shorten it.

DH, DD (15) and me were planning to spend the summer travelling around Europe and had started booking things.

Then DH got very unwell. He has spent most of the last few months in hospital with poor mental health. It became clear he wasn't able to go on the holiday and he expected me to cancel it.

I have refused for the following reasons:
DH's illness has hit DD really hard.
She was really, really excited about the holiday. It's the first time she's been properly excited about something in a long time. She hasn't been abroad since she was 3. She has also had a really tough year.
I think if I cancel because of DH it will really damage their relationship. Maybe that's me being dranatic.
Both DD and I need a break if I'm honest. DH has obviously dominated everything since he became ill and that's fine because it's how it needs to be. However I think it's going to be the case for a long time (possibly forever) so I think we need to minimise the impact where we can.
For the above reason I also think I need to set expectations. We cancelled a few things when he became ill and I dont want that to become the norm as harsh as that sounds. I feel like his illness can't control mine and DDs lives.
I need this. I need to prove to myself that I'll be ok. When he first went into hospital I realised how reliant I was on him and thought I wouldn't cope. That isn't healthy. I meed to prove to myself, and DD (and DH tbh) that I can do things.
DD needs to see that she doesn't need to center her world around what other people want and that she shouldn't let them stop her doing what she wants. It's really important she sees that.
I don't know when DH will be well enough to go a long weekend in the UK again, let alone anything bigger.
Financially, I expect we'll have to rely on my wage going forward so things are going to be very different and I dont know if we can afford it again.
So there is the genuine risk that it's now or never.
It just seems like the right thing to do.

As a compromise the holiday has been shortened to 10 days including travel and we will be sticking to the tourist areas instead of going off to random places like we'd planned.

I do feel awful and guilty and like I'm a bad wife for not putting him first. I do feel like I'm purposely doing sonething that I know will cause him pain. I feel like I'm letting him down and I know I will find the holiday stressful and challenging and it's really scary. Of course I'll spend most of the holiday worrying about him and feeling guilty and worrying about sonething going wrong. So then that makes me wonder why I'm doing it at all.

DH is really angry and upset over it. His anxiety is spiralling. He is feeling like I'm not listening and don't care about the impact it is having on him. He is also resentful because he will need to stay with his family while DD and me are away because he isn't well enough to be by himself.

Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay.

They will judge me more than they already do.

My family will judge me. But my parents wouldn't even go on a daytrip alone. It meant that we missed out on things because my mum wouldn't do things if my dad wasnt able to go with her. I dont want that for my DD.

So anyway, I will be taking DD on the holiday and I'll deal with the fallout. But I was just wondering what other people would do? Would you disregard your DH and go on holiday or would you put or DH first? Please be kind. It's really upsetting and whatever I do is wrong.

Go

Are OP and her DD not entitled to some care and compassion? Why is it inhumane to not but the husband first but perfectly acceptable to not put the child first?

Hi OP I am the carer for my DH with LB dementia. Being a carer is really tough and it can be really tough on kids. A ten day break is quite reasonable and I think even at this stage, you do need to reach out and ask family, particularly DH’s family to provide some support if at all possible. That being said, from my experience equally do not be surprised if they refuse or simply ghost you. It is surprising how few people wish to be involved with mental ill health of any sort. You also need to think about support longer term. if DH is quite ill can he look at available benefits? This might provide some resource to give you and your daughter a break. I hear what you say on being judged. Asking for help can be useful in the limited sense that if they are not willing to do so, at least they will be quieter.

He will be safe with his family. OP and her daughter can't put their lives on hold for ever. They need some respite and their needs are just as important as the husband

I’m presuming most posters haven’t read your previous thread and the hell you(all) have been through.
You have stood by and supported your husband through everything for which he should be very grateful. The awful things you had to go through nobody would want to deal with so for now I think you should put yourself and your daughter first.
You and your daughter deserve some nice times and a break.

Absolutely go. If your husband was anywhere near thinking clearly he would be saying this too.
You are a great mum for maintaining a focus on your daughter. You will make lovely memories and she will remember how you supported her.
Going forward you can only care for your husband if he plays his part in making this possible. Which means him recognising your needs and those of your child. Otherwise his illness will tear you apart. Sadly mental illness can make people turn inwards and lose sight of the bigger picture. It is ok to challenge him and orientate him back to your marriage and your family.

Hope you have a fantastic time OP.

Go x

Yes I would. Caring for your spouse doesn't stop you caring for yourself and others that you are also responsible for.
I'm the spouse that stopped holidays for my mentally ill husband. It's been 30 years since I've been out of the uk, he's never well enough, has no family I can leave him with, and the expectation was set after the first couple of cancellations that I would always prioritise him and his needs over my own. I can honestly say that my wellbeing has suffered as a result. He does also now have cancer. I've never gotten to see the places I would love to see (and never with my DH who I love deeply which would've made it even more special) and I never get a break.
I don't recommend anyone put themselves in that position and I sincerely wish every day that I'd stood my ground and put myself first those first couple of times. The thing is, you think it's just for now, but actually it could end up being forever.
And yes, when I say I would prioritise a holiday over my unwell husband it sounds terrible, but I'd still do it because I matter too.

I think you’ve heard enough by now but please go - your daughter is getting older and these opportunities are going to be even less in future.

Not the same situation but - my husband took our daughter away on holiday for 2 weeks when I was in and out of the hospital with severe morning sickness with our son. I wanted them to go and enjoy it (though was obviously super jealous). Sometimes life is just unlucky and you have to miss out.

Do you think if your husband was in a better place mentally he’d support you more? A lot of this is, sadly, probably his illness talking if he was previously more kind.

OP I remember your previous posts. You have been so amazingly strong. You and your daughter deserve and need this holiday - please go.

If OP goes on this holiday and her DH's mental health deteriorates again, as it appears to be doing already, then the set back to his recovery will have long term detrimental affects on all three of them.

His mental health is ALREADY having long term detrimental effects on the family.

OP and her DD can't be held to ransom indefinitely by her DH's needs. They need a break and 10 days is hardly a long time.

Keep the holiday. Two years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. I had surgery on my head and literally my eyes swelled shut and I couldn’t even drive. Dh and dd had a two week holiday to France booked to do a sport they both love. They did not cancel on my insistence. I stayed home 48 hours post surgery looking like a melon with a 6 year old to look after solo for 2 weeks.

When life is tough, kids need something to look forward to and keep them distracted. I managed just fine being home without them and looking after a young child on my own, despite being in a lot of pain, not being able to see and with a brand new cancer diagnosis to adjust to. Being ill is tough, but when you have kids, being ill is no longer all about you. I remember your previous thread about your Dh and this trip. I think you’re doing the right thing by going and it’s the best thing for your dd.

You know the cliches...
Do not set yourself on fire warming others
Put your own breathing mask on first
But they are both true
You need the respite
Your daughter needs to be put first
You do not need anyone's blessing or permission
Most parents agree kids, especially ND kids, come first until they reach adulthood
Do not tie yourself up in knots Xx

Not unreasonable at all. She needs to be your priority and he look elsewhere for support. Hopefully an opportunity to reset.

Yes, I understand that some people can’t go on holiday. I’m one of them this year as I can’t afford to take my children away. I don’t believe it’s an inalienable right to have a holiday. You seem shirty that I’m disagreeing with you? There are posters here saying that they had to become martyrs to their parents’ mental health when they were children. Genuinely, I would always put the child’s needs first. The DD is looking forward to her first foreign adventure. Living alongside serious mental illness as a child is terrifying and destabilising. It’s not clear from the OP’s posts if his objections are because of his mental ill health or the fact that he is a controlling man. Genuinely, a decent parent, even in illness, would want the very best for their child and for their child not to see them suffer.

This is a tough one, on one hand you and Dd definitely sound like you need a break. On the other hand depends on how ill DH really is and whether you have made adequate arrangements while you are away. That is something only you can answer. Also since you mentioned it was a mental health issue could his unhappiness about you both going cause him to take drastic action like not taking his meds etc. making himself more unwell, while you are away. Would you then have to rush back etc. There are no right or wrong answers. Maybe write all the pros and cons on a sheet of paper and then see how you feel.

This post says it all.
OP , you must look after yourself and your daughter in all of this, your husband is ill and his problems could go on for a long time yet , in the meantime you could end up being dragged down by him.
Whatever anybody says or thinks is not your concern , they can judge and criticise all they like ,do they expect you and your child to live in his misery too ?
Any body who dares to think you should stay at home is very selfish.
Please go and do some lovely things together, you really deserve this.

Sorry but this is a load of nonsense.

I haven't commented on the state of OP's marriage at all. I have several times said how much I sympathise with her situation.

I have not tried to enforce my view - I understand that I differ from most pp in my view. I have merely answered pp who have quoted me and disagreed with me.

I assume you think I am being spiteful
because I have said I didn't think OP should go on this holiday? OP asked for opinions and I gave an opinion. I took her at her word and have given an honest opinion - not out of spite but because I thought that was the idea of the thread. You obviously assume everyone should have the same opinion. Life doesnt often work like that.

I remember your previous posts and would just like to say that you have been an amazing wife & mum over the past few months.
Go on holiday with your DD, you have all been through a lot this year and a little bit of respite will help.
You both deserve it. Yes, you will worry about your DH but hopefully he will be ok with some support.

I remember your previous threads. Definitely go, and go for longer, be adventurous. You are entitled to a life and to be the mum you want to be. Someone else can be the carer for a change.

Please go. I remember your original post. You both need this.

You say your husband "can't be by himself"? Why not? and what care does he need? I mean what help do you give him and can someone else really do that? If he had cancer or MS or something, you would go through everything you do for him and work out whether

1. he could manage without it being done for the duration of your holiday
2. he could manage to do those things himself for the duration of your holiday, even if it made life more difficult/painful/zapped more energy than having you do it.
3. if it HAD to be done, and he COULDN'T do it, you would arrange someone else to come in to do it, send him to stay elsewhere (friend/relative/hospice) or you would decide he wasn't well enough to be without you and you'd not go.

I realise the "its" might be less clear cut than in physical illness, but I think you need to do the same kind of skills audit. If it's just he prefers you to do it, but other people would know how to do it, then set those other people up and leave them to it!

Definitely go. As a parent I want my kids to experience anything I can afford to provide for them, sometimes that means I miss out but I want it more for them than for me. Let your daughter have this fab experience and enjoy the 1 on 1 time, you and she deserve it.

I have followed your previous two threads, OP.
Perhaps you can convince yourself that you cancelling the trip won’t affect DH much, given his current situation / state.
Your daughter needs you and to feel that she is your priority, especially given the circumstances of the last few months regarding DH’s illness, on top of her own difficulties.
You won’t appreciate this while feeling so guilty, which is natural, but you must go for your own well being too. You deserve a break! As does your DD.
Another trip to celebrate DH’s recovery can still be planned at a later date, but that might not be great timing for your DD.
You won’t just be putting yourself first, but ask yourself, why should you keep coming last? You’ve said in previous posts that your DH isn’t himself and have pondered at times how much you will disclose to him, etc. (I don’t need to elaborate here) He will understand eventually.
Go and take a break and recharge while you have the chance and use the trip to make amends with DD and reassure her.

I would feel very guilty going but that is because no matter what state my husband was in he would want me to go but as he’s making you choose between him and your daughter I wouldn’t even feel that guilty to be honest. Unless he’s not in control of his words in which case what he’s saying can’t be taken as a true representation of the father he’d want to be and would probably wish that you would take control of the situation if he was of sound mind.