AIBU to take our daughter on holiday while DH is unwell and doesnt want me to?

[Atchooch]

This is possibly my longest ever post. I dont know how to shorten it.

DH, DD (15) and me were planning to spend the summer travelling around Europe and had started booking things.

Then DH got very unwell. He has spent most of the last few months in hospital with poor mental health. It became clear he wasn't able to go on the holiday and he expected me to cancel it.

I have refused for the following reasons:
DH's illness has hit DD really hard.
She was really, really excited about the holiday. It's the first time she's been properly excited about something in a long time. She hasn't been abroad since she was 3. She has also had a really tough year.
I think if I cancel because of DH it will really damage their relationship. Maybe that's me being dranatic.
Both DD and I need a break if I'm honest. DH has obviously dominated everything since he became ill and that's fine because it's how it needs to be. However I think it's going to be the case for a long time (possibly forever) so I think we need to minimise the impact where we can.
For the above reason I also think I need to set expectations. We cancelled a few things when he became ill and I dont want that to become the norm as harsh as that sounds. I feel like his illness can't control mine and DDs lives.
I need this. I need to prove to myself that I'll be ok. When he first went into hospital I realised how reliant I was on him and thought I wouldn't cope. That isn't healthy. I meed to prove to myself, and DD (and DH tbh) that I can do things.
DD needs to see that she doesn't need to center her world around what other people want and that she shouldn't let them stop her doing what she wants. It's really important she sees that.
I don't know when DH will be well enough to go a long weekend in the UK again, let alone anything bigger.
Financially, I expect we'll have to rely on my wage going forward so things are going to be very different and I dont know if we can afford it again.
So there is the genuine risk that it's now or never.
It just seems like the right thing to do.

As a compromise the holiday has been shortened to 10 days including travel and we will be sticking to the tourist areas instead of going off to random places like we'd planned.

I do feel awful and guilty and like I'm a bad wife for not putting him first. I do feel like I'm purposely doing sonething that I know will cause him pain. I feel like I'm letting him down and I know I will find the holiday stressful and challenging and it's really scary. Of course I'll spend most of the holiday worrying about him and feeling guilty and worrying about sonething going wrong. So then that makes me wonder why I'm doing it at all.

DH is really angry and upset over it. His anxiety is spiralling. He is feeling like I'm not listening and don't care about the impact it is having on him. He is also resentful because he will need to stay with his family while DD and me are away because he isn't well enough to be by himself.

Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay.

They will judge me more than they already do.

My family will judge me. But my parents wouldn't even go on a daytrip alone. It meant that we missed out on things because my mum wouldn't do things if my dad wasnt able to go with her. I dont want that for my DD.

So anyway, I will be taking DD on the holiday and I'll deal with the fallout. But I was just wondering what other people would do? Would you disregard your DH and go on holiday or would you put or DH first? Please be kind. It's really upsetting and whatever I do is wrong.

So if your DH was suffering from cancer and was undertaking treatment for it you would happily waltz off on holiday and enjoy yourself? Or if he had MND. Or if he was in the advanced stages of Parkinson's etc etc. The list is endless.

It doesn't sound a very loving marriage if you would go off in holiday and leave them to it.

Please please go🌺

The dad will still be ill whether or not they go on the holiday. He is being selfish, which may be caused by his illness or may just be how he is. Either way, this short period is about the needs of the dd, not either parent. And both her parents should want what's best for her.

Go. Absolutely go.

Do you know iI can never tell whether this hard, uncaring, inhuman attitude towards spouses is just an MN phenomenon. Or whether this is actually representative of real life.

Another vote for go. Dont ruin yours dds life more than he has/will.

My dh (who does actually have cancer) would be encouraging me to go to take the children for a break. Respite care is perfectly normal for anyone living with a partner with a debilitating illness, never mind for those still with a child at home. When you care for someone it's a marathon not a sprint

And in sickness and in health is all very well up to the point that their sickness begins to threaten your health, which is what can and will happen when someone has this kind of severity of condition and the person caring for them isn’t allowed any respite or any semblance of their own life. That’s not in sickness and health, that’s control, emotional blackmail, whatever you want to call it. Just because the person is ill or not in control doesn’t lessen the impact of that.

Not her problem!! He’s not her child!!

In certain circumstances I would arrange suitable care and cover and assist other family members, yes.

My best friends husband has a condition that requires supervision now. She has taken her children on holiday without him. He is unwilling/unable to go, and she quite rightly tries to give her children some normality.

Your daughter needs to be your focus and your priority, not your husband. And 10 days isn’t even an especially long time. Just go.

Go

How’s your mental health through all this, OP? Has anyone in your life bothered to ask you or is it just his that is important?

Exactly. The fact that it's a foreign holiday is a red herring here really. What's important is the respite from her father's situation, which will have had a hugely significant and likely detrimental effect on her ask me how I know.

Course you should go you have to think about DD as well as yourself

Sounds like this is gonna be a long-term life condition with CH you cannot put both your lives on hold for him

You have done a compromise and not going to 6 weeks. I’m going for 10 days. You both deserve a treat or something to look forward to.

Why does his knee come before yours and your daughters?

Mental health is really hard to those watching and being with a person with the issues

So go enjoy and make many happy memories because that’s what life is for

I have a saying after my DH died

Sometimes tomorrow doesn’t come so Live life for today

I’m not sure you are helping, you sound like the far end of a spectrum of what people can give, and very judgemental too. Comments about the state of the OP’s marriage are unwarranted and spiteful and appear to try and enforce your point as correct when many many people on here disagree with you.

I hope you pause to think about the real person you are being inappropriately hurtful too.

You need a break and your daughter needs to know that sometimes she comes first.
Please go and have a wonderful time.
Your husband will be safe with his family. It's only 10 days.
Good luck.

OP I’ve also read all your posts. Please please go. You and your daughter badly need this trip as both a break and a chance to build up your relationship. I think you said before that if your husband was in a better place mentally he would want you both to go, he just can’t see that now as his illness is making him think only of himself.

and to “in sickness and in health” crowd, she’s talking about 10 days in major European cities she’s not moving to the moon. She can be home in a matter of hours if needed

You say longstanding in your comment. So you are aware that serious mental health issues rarely go away. There may be some periods of being well but they can very suddenly be at crisis point again.
So if OP was to worry about her DH having a set back, in reality that could mean that she never goes on holiday again. It is highly likely that it means she will never have a holiday with her child again, as she is almost an adult.
What about the impact that has on OP and her DD? Why doesn't protecting their wellbeing and mental health matter? Caring for someone with mental health issues has a severe impact on the carers own mental health. Having a parent with serious mental health issues has a huge impact on the child. What good is it to DH if they both end up as unwell as him? Who will do all the caring in the family then?
The OP absolutely should take her DD in this holiday. If her DH recovers in the future and moves past the self-centred nature that often comes with MH crisis (no judgement on that, I've been there), he will realise that his wife did the right thing in putting their child first.

You need to put your daughter first here. Go.

Is this the same “d” h that also was saying very worrying things about his daughter before he was hospitalised? He is a horrible person and his mental health condition has just allowed him to feel he can become even more controlling over your and your daughter’s life! Is this what you want her future to look like? Would you be happy for her to end up with a partner who’s like her dad? Controlling and abusive and extremely selfish and self centred? Because children learn from their watching their parents relationships and if mom stays in an unhealthy relationship then they learn that this is normal and acceptable.

I don’t think he should have even come home to your house tbh! He should be either still in hospital if he can’t be left or manage on his own or with a member of HIS family

100% go!!

I was just thinking about you yesterday and wondering how you were getting on.

I voted - go.

As i said in my previous posts I have experienced long term living with someone with mental illness and I'm very aware of the awful strain and difficulty it creates.

It's a horrible situation. And I realise my view is obviously a minority one. But my feeling if is OP's DH has been discharged from hospital then his mental health must have improved. Surely helping this improvement and recovery would have a much better long term outcome for this family? Going on holiday might provide a short term fix, if OP could actually enjoy it but the inevitable sey back tohuis mental health is going to impact them all when they return.

Yes.
Put an oxygen mask on yourself and your DD OP.