AIBU to take our daughter on holiday while DH is unwell and doesnt want me to?

[Atchooch]

This is possibly my longest ever post. I dont know how to shorten it.

DH, DD (15) and me were planning to spend the summer travelling around Europe and had started booking things.

Then DH got very unwell. He has spent most of the last few months in hospital with poor mental health. It became clear he wasn't able to go on the holiday and he expected me to cancel it.

I have refused for the following reasons:
DH's illness has hit DD really hard.
She was really, really excited about the holiday. It's the first time she's been properly excited about something in a long time. She hasn't been abroad since she was 3. She has also had a really tough year.
I think if I cancel because of DH it will really damage their relationship. Maybe that's me being dranatic.
Both DD and I need a break if I'm honest. DH has obviously dominated everything since he became ill and that's fine because it's how it needs to be. However I think it's going to be the case for a long time (possibly forever) so I think we need to minimise the impact where we can.
For the above reason I also think I need to set expectations. We cancelled a few things when he became ill and I dont want that to become the norm as harsh as that sounds. I feel like his illness can't control mine and DDs lives.
I need this. I need to prove to myself that I'll be ok. When he first went into hospital I realised how reliant I was on him and thought I wouldn't cope. That isn't healthy. I meed to prove to myself, and DD (and DH tbh) that I can do things.
DD needs to see that she doesn't need to center her world around what other people want and that she shouldn't let them stop her doing what she wants. It's really important she sees that.
I don't know when DH will be well enough to go a long weekend in the UK again, let alone anything bigger.
Financially, I expect we'll have to rely on my wage going forward so things are going to be very different and I dont know if we can afford it again.
So there is the genuine risk that it's now or never.
It just seems like the right thing to do.

As a compromise the holiday has been shortened to 10 days including travel and we will be sticking to the tourist areas instead of going off to random places like we'd planned.

I do feel awful and guilty and like I'm a bad wife for not putting him first. I do feel like I'm purposely doing sonething that I know will cause him pain. I feel like I'm letting him down and I know I will find the holiday stressful and challenging and it's really scary. Of course I'll spend most of the holiday worrying about him and feeling guilty and worrying about sonething going wrong. So then that makes me wonder why I'm doing it at all.

DH is really angry and upset over it. His anxiety is spiralling. He is feeling like I'm not listening and don't care about the impact it is having on him. He is also resentful because he will need to stay with his family while DD and me are away because he isn't well enough to be by himself.

Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay.

They will judge me more than they already do.

My family will judge me. But my parents wouldn't even go on a daytrip alone. It meant that we missed out on things because my mum wouldn't do things if my dad wasnt able to go with her. I dont want that for my DD.

So anyway, I will be taking DD on the holiday and I'll deal with the fallout. But I was just wondering what other people would do? Would you disregard your DH and go on holiday or would you put or DH first? Please be kind. It's really upsetting and whatever I do is wrong.

I think you need to be really blunt with him that this is having a huge impact on dd and his priority, even now, should be his child.

Definitely go on the trip.

Go!

Everyone on your other threads told you to do this OP.

Stop walking on eggshells around him, and give your DD some of your undivided attention so you can both unwind from the stress at home. I would also switch your phone off at all times apart from 15 minutes a day so he can't ruin it from a distance.

Shortening to 10 days is a great compromise. You must go, having helped DH work out how to fund any support he needs.

This.
Enjoy x

You are going on holiday, you are not leaving him. This needs to be kept in perspective. No one needs to sacrifice their entire life, and the life of their child to another persons mental illness. Please please go. It’s so important that he is not the only cosmic force around which your whole lives revolve. He is poorly, yes, but staying will not fix him, but it will damage you and your daughter. Please, please go.

I seriously doubt you'll regret going (even though like you said, you will likely be worried whilst away). You WILL however regret cancelling, not just for you, but for your daughter.

You've said that your husband's mental state is unlikely to recover (I'm paraphrasing), and it's possibly now or never. You cannot live for him, harsh as that sounds.

In case you can't tell, I'm 100% in camp go, and try and enjoy it as much as you can. It will show both you and your daughter that you're capable of what you put your mind to.

It’s only 10 days. I would definitely go.

Go on this holiday no matter what. You have articulated why this matters so perfectly that I won't reiterate why you should, it's all in your OP. DH's illness is sad and it's a shame that he can't support your decision to go, but equally it's no reason for everyone else's lives to be put on hold and impacted indefinitely. Everyone in this situation matters, and no one is being disproportionately or unfairly impacted by a 10 day trip. You and your daughter need this to anchor and orientate your relationship as you navigate your DH's challenges. I can't imagine that you'll regret going, but I think you may resent forever the decision not to.

You’ve already compromised (which I think was probably the reasonable thing to do based on what you have said). You should go.

I would go, and if people judged me then I'd judge them right back.

You should go, I also read your other posts. Put your daughter first.

Sorry OP but if your DH was hospitalised with his mental health for months he must indeed have been very ill.

To me if you go on this holiday it is probably going to set his recovery back significantly. I accept you and your DD need a holiday but I don't think now is the right time. I think postponing it until your DH is in a better place would give a much better long term outcome for all of you.

And tbh if you care about him I don't see how you could enjoy your holiday knowing the possible consequences to his health.

I don't think it's a question of him trying to control you by stopping you going. It's obvious his mental health problems are very real. If he had a serious physical medical condition I wonder if so many pp woukd be telling upu to go off and leave him.

This. GO.

I also wondered if this was the same OP. Regardless, 100% you and your daughter should take this trip.

He is horrifically out of order trying to guilt you to cancel it. You cannot do that to your daughter or yourself. Mental illness aside he should be ashamed that he’s making you feel anything but excited. Mental illness drowns the people around the sufferer, don’t let him drown you and your daughter.

Noone is obliged to be another adults carer.
It's a really difficult situation but you must have respite.
If he genuinely needs care you need to contact adult social care for an assessment. If they assess that he doesn't, then you're all good.
If they assess that he does, he may be able to get a place in respite care. If he has capacity, and refuses, that's on him.
However, there are waits for adult social care assessment, and really this should have been done in good time.
Could you fund a paid person calling in on him, or staying with him if his family don't step up, as a last minute solution?
Absolutely his illness is not his fault, but it's not your fault either. I sound ruthless, I know, but I have been in a carer situation and it's not sustainable without breaks.
You go and establish boundaries for you and your daughter. It has to be done. Otherwise, what happens if, God forbid, you need hospital care and can't be there?

Dd comes first, she’s had a tough time and you’ll never get this time back with her. You’ve changed it so you aren’t away as long and that’s a fair compromise. You’ll regret it if you don’t.

I genuinely don't know what I'd do in your situation. But I think you've considered everyone's needs and tried to make the best decision and that's all you can do 💐

I am surprised that those around you are judging you. Last year I took my Dd away and left her dad at home when he was unwell and this year is looking like it will be the same, but everyone around me is saying “you need this. You need a break, good for you” and so forth.

please go.

Third this. If it is then you should go OP.

I also remember your other posts. You’ve been through hell, and you’ve been amazing. Of course you must go. You and your daughter have suffered enough already, and god knows you deserve a short break.

I had never been the healthiest person in the world, but I never expected to become disabled when my daughter was 5 years old. Our entire world shrunk. My available choices changed.

I quickly realized that I had to do whatever I could to allow dd as much freedom as I could possibly give her. I spend a lot of time and money making sure her life is curtailed as little as possible. If there is a ridiculously expensive school trip abroad, she is on it. She has gone to sleep away camps that I fantasized about as a child.

we have also had amazing experiences together. I look for things I know she will love where my condition will not be an issue.

I can’t do everything with her that the average mom can do, but I do my best.

You are 100% correct that your daughter needs this trip. As parents we can’t hold our children back. Hopefully when your husband is healthier, he will understand and thank you for prioritizing your child’s needs.

I’ve not read your other thread. I would go for all of the reasons that you listed.

Does he have a community mental health team?