AIBU to take our daughter on holiday while DH is unwell and doesnt want me to?

[Atchooch]

This is possibly my longest ever post. I dont know how to shorten it.

DH, DD (15) and me were planning to spend the summer travelling around Europe and had started booking things.

Then DH got very unwell. He has spent most of the last few months in hospital with poor mental health. It became clear he wasn't able to go on the holiday and he expected me to cancel it.

I have refused for the following reasons:
DH's illness has hit DD really hard.
She was really, really excited about the holiday. It's the first time she's been properly excited about something in a long time. She hasn't been abroad since she was 3. She has also had a really tough year.
I think if I cancel because of DH it will really damage their relationship. Maybe that's me being dranatic.
Both DD and I need a break if I'm honest. DH has obviously dominated everything since he became ill and that's fine because it's how it needs to be. However I think it's going to be the case for a long time (possibly forever) so I think we need to minimise the impact where we can.
For the above reason I also think I need to set expectations. We cancelled a few things when he became ill and I dont want that to become the norm as harsh as that sounds. I feel like his illness can't control mine and DDs lives.
I need this. I need to prove to myself that I'll be ok. When he first went into hospital I realised how reliant I was on him and thought I wouldn't cope. That isn't healthy. I meed to prove to myself, and DD (and DH tbh) that I can do things.
DD needs to see that she doesn't need to center her world around what other people want and that she shouldn't let them stop her doing what she wants. It's really important she sees that.
I don't know when DH will be well enough to go a long weekend in the UK again, let alone anything bigger.
Financially, I expect we'll have to rely on my wage going forward so things are going to be very different and I dont know if we can afford it again.
So there is the genuine risk that it's now or never.
It just seems like the right thing to do.

As a compromise the holiday has been shortened to 10 days including travel and we will be sticking to the tourist areas instead of going off to random places like we'd planned.

I do feel awful and guilty and like I'm a bad wife for not putting him first. I do feel like I'm purposely doing sonething that I know will cause him pain. I feel like I'm letting him down and I know I will find the holiday stressful and challenging and it's really scary. Of course I'll spend most of the holiday worrying about him and feeling guilty and worrying about sonething going wrong. So then that makes me wonder why I'm doing it at all.

DH is really angry and upset over it. His anxiety is spiralling. He is feeling like I'm not listening and don't care about the impact it is having on him. He is also resentful because he will need to stay with his family while DD and me are away because he isn't well enough to be by himself.

Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay.

They will judge me more than they already do.

My family will judge me. But my parents wouldn't even go on a daytrip alone. It meant that we missed out on things because my mum wouldn't do things if my dad wasnt able to go with her. I dont want that for my DD.

So anyway, I will be taking DD on the holiday and I'll deal with the fallout. But I was just wondering what other people would do? Would you disregard your DH and go on holiday or would you put or DH first? Please be kind. It's really upsetting and whatever I do is wrong.

As someone who is the 'unwell' person in the family (physically not mentally) I have been trying my hardest to make sure my kids are doing as many 'normal' things and experiences as possible so their childhoods aren't ruined e.g. husband has taken them to theme parks without me, we do days out where we can...if I can manage, then great, if I can't, he takes them.

It's SO important and very selfish of your OH. I understand why he is feeling low and needs support but he shouldn't resent the daughter having life experiences. I get sad sometimes but I had my childhood and I want them to experience as much as possible.

I think it's unfair that he is angry at you, you can't put your life entirely on hold for someone else. I found that hard to remember at times when I was in hospital but I'd never resent my spouse or children because of it. Take the holiday!

I totally agree and I’ve been both mentally and then physically really poorly.
It is terrifying sometimes but it’s really important that people who care in any capacity can recharge.
The daughter here has such a time and OP has been so devoted.
I do wonder where the bloody hell his family are though? I’m sure he had a brother?

Yes we're all unanimous with this opinion. They should go. We all agree.

It's who is going to keep an eye on the vulnerable, ill person in her absence that is not clear. He might be in hospital, his parents might have him but haven't agreed or declined, no other plans seem to have been considered.

If you are the poster I think you are (I followed all your original posts about DH) then please don't feel guilty for taking time for you and your DD. Yes it isn't ideal, but no one knows when he will be ready, it could be weeks, months or years before he can abroad (travel insurance is a bitch for mental health issues). You and DD deserve a break after all you've been through. It's been tough on you both.

When my DH was diagnosed and in hospital I went away and stayed miles away with my parents for a week. He's never held it against me, but we didn't have DS at that point. I think he would have understood if we had.

Sending lots of love to you all. You're doing brilliantly ❤️

Not everybody faces such a stark choice of prioritising their husband or their child, and am very sorry you have been presented with such a challenge.

However, it is my firm belief that when a couple choose to have children, the (usually unspoken) rule is that the children now take priority. I will always prioritise my children's welfare over my husband's, and I would expect him to do so over mine too.

As other posters have said, I think if your husband had been well enough to see things clearly, he would have encouraged you to go.

I hope you and your daughter have a wonderful trip, making amazing memories together. Your husband may resent you for a time when you get back, but so be it. You know that you did the right thing, and in time he will see that too.

Tell us you don’t understand mental illness without telling us, you don’t understand mental illness…..

Considering even professionals who deal with mental health day in day out, don't fully understand it then your comment is not the gotcha you think.

Do you think the OP should take her DD away for 10 days considering this might be the last ever chance OP gets?

I remember your previous posts. Go on the holiday! You and your daughter deserve some time away after the stress of the last few months.

Trains are booked, accommodation is all sorted and I've got tickets for the main activities my daughter wanted to do. I'm starting to get a bit excited (still mostly scared though).

I'll be a complete worry wort between now and when we get back. I'll be constantly cross referencing everything and worrying I've messed up. I've already messed up one thing. There are a couple of very tight connections which worry me but I've looked at the station maps and it seems ok.

How did people do this before the internet?

So pleased for you @Atchooch ! Hope you and dd have an amazing time!

So he is he staying with his family? What a relief.

OP, if you have learned anything this year, it should be that you are absolutely amazing and stronger than you ever thought possible. I read your last thread, you fought so hard to get DH the help he needed because nobody else would. So go and enjoy a very well deserved holiday, knowing that even if something does go slightly wrong, you can find a solution because you are incredible (with or without the Internet!!)!

Husband wise there is 2 weeks left on his section 2. Unless anything changes dramatically in that time I am going to have to refuse to let him come back home. He isn't safe. However he is still isn't allowed on unsupervised walks and there is some other stuff so I think realistically he will be going onto a section 3.

The last time he was on section 3 they almost immediately started to try to get him home even though nothing seemed to have changed. I had to push back quite a bit.

I would go. You have shortened it for his benefit and that's enough. Get all the support you need in place now so you are prepared for any manipulation closer to you leaving.

Such good news I hope you both have a fantastic time.

Fantastic OP.
Both you and your daughter deserve this.

I am still trying to sort something but honestly I have come to the conclusion (with help from the people on here) that I cant be the person solely responsible for him.

My daughter's life has been and will be impacted by his mental health and that can't be helped but I can try to limit it and protect her. Soneone on here said that when you have children you make a contract that they always come first. As numerous other people have said, I'm her mother, not his. I need to chose her.

I'll feel guilty and am letting someone down whatever I do. At least this way she has some sense of normality.

A few people's stories on here really hit that home for me. I love him and he is ill and I will look after him but his illness can't destroy everyone's lives.

And I was wrong about my family. My mum expected me to cancel but my dad called me a few days ago to tell me that he thought I should go and would be stupid to cancel. He said he had a big speech ready with reasons why we should go. 🤣

Im so very glad that you have decided to go away. I can tell you this is going to be HUGE for your daughter. It’s going to let her know she’s a priority and more importantly it’s going to allow her to know it’s ok to put herself first.
if I give you another perspective. I was a child who grew up with a family member in our home who had MH issues like this. And everyone was just so trapped by it. The guilt of ‘what if’ .
my entire childhood went by because of it and I’m very resentful of that. I have little to do with everyone who impacted by it too, although it wasn’t their fault. I’m low contact because I was a child and this became my problem too.
It’s also affected me in other ways, I just cannot have much to do with anyone with significant MH issues. I just won’t allow a second more of my life to be consumed by this.

I would just give your daughter the best holiday of her life, also have lots of talks with her about how she feels and sees her life. She is also most likely deeply afffected by it too.
But is a significant thing that you are forging ahead with the holiday. She needs to know one day when she leaves home and if she decides to never come back or has LC with her father, that she will still have a relationship with you because you have prioritised her too.

I feel for you because you are in the middle BUT your child must come first. He came with these issues so his family must share the burden too. You also have one shot at this life too.

"I love him and he is ill and I will look after him but his illness can't destroy everyone's lives."

This is it in a nutshell. You need to write this sentence down somewhere and hang onto it. Best of luck. I'm sure he loves you both too and he may well not only understand, but thank you one day.

Don't worry so much on the holiday that you don't enjoy every minute!

Op, so glad for your daughter but also for you. As for letting people down - this type of MH problem is beyond what one person or a family can reasonably be expected to manage. It a crying shame that services are so impacted that they are pressuring people to take someone home when they are still not stable. Stay strong, dig in, and refuse. And if anyone tries to guilt trip you, tell them you’re concerned about your daughter’s wellbeing. It’s the truth, and needs to be paramount.

His mental health is going to affect you and your daughter long term. If you are going to stay with him long term, then you must ‘put your own life-jacket on first’. Go! Have this extremely well-earned break.

You cannot save him OP, but you can try an minimise the enormous damage this must be doing to your daughter.

This is not her burden to carry.
I am married a long time, but my children come ahead of my husband.

To be honest if the tables were turned the overwhelming majority of men would and do bail on sick wives.

You may want to stay married, but at the cost to your daughters happiness and well-being, the price is too high IMO.

Push back very hard in allowing a very unwell man be released.
Be clear to them that this is not in your daughters best interests.

Oerhaps check out the legality of it and what the correct wording should be.

Years ago a friend refused her the release of her mother who was ill because she was being described as a bed blocker (shocking expression) and she was advised to phrase it in a special way and confirm it in writing.
Her mother died within a few weeks as she had been seriously ill at the time.

I think this trip will be the making of you, OP. You'll see just what you are capable of and you'll have a lifetime of memories from your time with your DD. My Mum took my sister and I abroad to Mallorca a few years after my Dad left. She was terrified, and had a bit of a wobble at Gatwick airport but we told her we'd be fine - and it was the best holiday. Did Mum's confidence the world of good.

Pleased to hear you’re all set OP. With regard to missing connections and so on. Don’t panic people in train stations are generally very helpful and I’m sure someone will help you navigate a change of train or platform. Also make sure you’ve got Google Translate installed on your phone it’s really helpful!