AIBU to take our daughter on holiday while DH is unwell and doesnt want me to?

[Atchooch]

This is possibly my longest ever post. I dont know how to shorten it.

DH, DD (15) and me were planning to spend the summer travelling around Europe and had started booking things.

Then DH got very unwell. He has spent most of the last few months in hospital with poor mental health. It became clear he wasn't able to go on the holiday and he expected me to cancel it.

I have refused for the following reasons:
DH's illness has hit DD really hard.
She was really, really excited about the holiday. It's the first time she's been properly excited about something in a long time. She hasn't been abroad since she was 3. She has also had a really tough year.
I think if I cancel because of DH it will really damage their relationship. Maybe that's me being dranatic.
Both DD and I need a break if I'm honest. DH has obviously dominated everything since he became ill and that's fine because it's how it needs to be. However I think it's going to be the case for a long time (possibly forever) so I think we need to minimise the impact where we can.
For the above reason I also think I need to set expectations. We cancelled a few things when he became ill and I dont want that to become the norm as harsh as that sounds. I feel like his illness can't control mine and DDs lives.
I need this. I need to prove to myself that I'll be ok. When he first went into hospital I realised how reliant I was on him and thought I wouldn't cope. That isn't healthy. I meed to prove to myself, and DD (and DH tbh) that I can do things.
DD needs to see that she doesn't need to center her world around what other people want and that she shouldn't let them stop her doing what she wants. It's really important she sees that.
I don't know when DH will be well enough to go a long weekend in the UK again, let alone anything bigger.
Financially, I expect we'll have to rely on my wage going forward so things are going to be very different and I dont know if we can afford it again.
So there is the genuine risk that it's now or never.
It just seems like the right thing to do.

As a compromise the holiday has been shortened to 10 days including travel and we will be sticking to the tourist areas instead of going off to random places like we'd planned.

I do feel awful and guilty and like I'm a bad wife for not putting him first. I do feel like I'm purposely doing sonething that I know will cause him pain. I feel like I'm letting him down and I know I will find the holiday stressful and challenging and it's really scary. Of course I'll spend most of the holiday worrying about him and feeling guilty and worrying about sonething going wrong. So then that makes me wonder why I'm doing it at all.

DH is really angry and upset over it. His anxiety is spiralling. He is feeling like I'm not listening and don't care about the impact it is having on him. He is also resentful because he will need to stay with his family while DD and me are away because he isn't well enough to be by himself.

Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay.

They will judge me more than they already do.

My family will judge me. But my parents wouldn't even go on a daytrip alone. It meant that we missed out on things because my mum wouldn't do things if my dad wasnt able to go with her. I dont want that for my DD.

So anyway, I will be taking DD on the holiday and I'll deal with the fallout. But I was just wondering what other people would do? Would you disregard your DH and go on holiday or would you put or DH first? Please be kind. It's really upsetting and whatever I do is wrong.

You can absolutely tell the people who have never lived with someone with a severe mental health illness. For me I'm sorry but the crisis isn't over so no I wouldn't be going so far away, your dh needs a lot of help and going away could be the final straw. I would personally be going more local until it passes and it will eventually lighten it just takes time...To the person who said about being selfish would you say the same to a person with broken legs how selfish they need pushed around in a wheelchair!!!! Mh is horrendous have some sympathy it could happen to you when you least expect it!

Go

Please please go OP. Your DD needs this, please prioritise her. She has needs just as much as your husband does, and it’s not fair that his illness is affecting her young life so much.

Absolutely go! Your DD needs this.

No, I wouldn’t go abroad leaving my suicidal husband. And I don’t think it’s as simple as “prioritise your DD”. There are worse things in life to have to face than missing a holiday. I would prioritise preventing these for all your sakes.

I remember you other thread OP, and I’m really sorry to hear he is still very unwell 💐

Will his section run out before you are due to go away? If so, I would talk to the ward and discuss your concerns. Perhaps if he is still unwell they may put him under a section 3.

But, I would encourage you and DD to go on holiday! You deserve a break. Be kind to yourself.

Go. Enjoy the time with your daughter. Try to text or call him everyday. I can understand him being upset. But I think he should consider the wellbeing of you and your daughter. It’s only ten days. They go by quickly.

I think you posted about your DH and the extraordinary efforts you went to to get him the care he needed while trying to insulate your DD from it all? In your shoes I’d take my DD on the trip we planned. She has had a shit year of it (as have you) and this trip could do a lot to heal you both and ensure DD’s MH is protected.

I think you are doing exactly the right thing, and for all the reasons you've stated. You are doing an outstanding job with the example you're showing to your daughter.

I also read your previous threads and am so sorry that things are still so hard for you all. As others have said- you have a lot to manage and my advice would be that you can’t pour from an empty cup. This break away with your daughter is a great opportunity to spend some quality time together, have a bit of an adventure- and most importantly have a 2026 memory that is not about your DH’s struggles. Your daughter is only 15 once - please go on your trip - you both need it.

I’m sorry you’re all going through this. I think you should go but I think your DH probably needs to be in hospital when that happens x

🙄 Mental health is nothing like a broken leg or any other physical condition, it's a never-ending selfish illness that drains the life out of everyone around them with no end or recovery in sight. If I were the OP I would leave the relationship while she and her daughter still have their own sanity.

Another who knew straight away your previous thread and what you have been through. Take her on holiday, she needs it and frankly so do you.

OP, as horrible as it might feel to leave him for 10 days when he is so afraid and desperate, you not going wont actually help him. What he needs isn't to have every whim pandered to, it's longer term support and an insistence on the right mental health support. That is what he needs and you provide that.

You and your daughter also have needs, in your own case both for yourself and so that you are capable of providing what your DD and DH need from you.

Your DD needs normality to the extent you can provide it. The trauma of recent months isn't undone by showing her you and she can still live without your lives being about your DH, but it will minimize it.

A holiday may not sound much like an oxygen mask, but it is. Ensuring you get enough respite is a vital part of being the best possible carer you can. It's also something you need for yourself, because you are just as important as your DH is. Your life matters too. This will hopefully just be an interlude in a long marriage with many good years to come. But you can't give up your oxygen when, in doing so, you aren't providing anything he actually needs.

Hoing for the very best for you.

I spent over a decade living with someone with severe MH issues and I would say definitely go on holiday. As a carer for someone with MH issues, it absolutely takes over your life. I could barely go meet friends without a dozen phonecalls from the ill person (and they have been offered tons of professional support they refuse). You can absolutely become ill yourself as a carer for an MH person and some can be selfish too. It's not their fault but its true. The OPs daughter needs the holiday as does the OP herself. The DH will have support whilst they are away - he just doesn't want it.

Edited just to add that sometimes the MH crisis never goes away. It hasn't for my relative and their current carer may never be able to live for themselves again.

Definitely go. I used to look after my mentally ill brother while my mum went away for a break. She really needed it. Mental illness in one member of the family can completely dominate, so it is really important for both you and your daughter to have some time away. It is also vital that you look after your relationship with her as it will really help both of you.

It is really important that you take this trip. I think you know that. If he’s a good man as you say, one day he will understand why you needed to take this trip and he will be proud of you for prioritising your daughter.

I remember your posts when he was sectioned.

you absolutely must go. Prioritise your DD and have an amazing time. You’ve been wonderful and supportive to him but he cannot take over everything.

Did he ever get on a section 3? I imagine he would have if had over 28 days in hospital.

if so, you have a massive entitlement to section 117 aftercare - which is not means tested and is free. That could be carers coming in or whatever it is to keep him well and out of hospital.

they often don’t mention this as it is not time limited - and thus expensive if a high needs package.

get onto CMHT and SS and ask for full assessment for s117 aftercare . (Look up on ‘MIND’ website what it is as they explain it well)

also please get onto that plane with your daughter. You both need a break - there are other family and services available. You are not abandoning him - you are taking a well earned break.

yes he probably would prefer it to be you looking after him 24/7- but you have to think of everyone’s needs - not just his.

sometimes you have to step back to allow others to step forwards - services love the spouse to do everything as much cheaper on their budgets - but what happens when you are totally burnt out? You need a team around him and that can include family , friends , charities and services.

take care - it’s so incredibly hard but you need this break.

Nope. Absolutely terrible advice. I did have to live with it and I'd advise anyone to do whatever they have to for themselves and their children. Including ending the marriage entirely. It's not comparable even remotely to a broken leg and it's an incredibly dishonest comparison.

It’s really ok to go on holiday in these circumstances. His illness has taken a lot, but I don’t think it should take this away too.

Please go. Women and girls shouldn't sacrifice their wellbeing for men all the bloody time. It's just not the message to give to your DD

This is not about men. This scenario could just as easily be about a woman with mental illness.

This is key. He's not got a short term thing that will be sorted and then you can all go.
If you do not go now, when would you go? There will never be a good time. And as you said, there are 2 people to consider and DD is a really important one.
I think you are doing the right thing and you've already shortened it.

Go. And don’t shorten it. Your DH has a safe place to go. His illness and anxiety cannot control you.
And when you go, enjoy every precious minute with your daughter and enjoy every challenge.