AIBU to take our daughter on holiday while DH is unwell and doesnt want me to?

[Atchooch]

This is possibly my longest ever post. I dont know how to shorten it.

DH, DD (15) and me were planning to spend the summer travelling around Europe and had started booking things.

Then DH got very unwell. He has spent most of the last few months in hospital with poor mental health. It became clear he wasn't able to go on the holiday and he expected me to cancel it.

I have refused for the following reasons:
DH's illness has hit DD really hard.
She was really, really excited about the holiday. It's the first time she's been properly excited about something in a long time. She hasn't been abroad since she was 3. She has also had a really tough year.
I think if I cancel because of DH it will really damage their relationship. Maybe that's me being dranatic.
Both DD and I need a break if I'm honest. DH has obviously dominated everything since he became ill and that's fine because it's how it needs to be. However I think it's going to be the case for a long time (possibly forever) so I think we need to minimise the impact where we can.
For the above reason I also think I need to set expectations. We cancelled a few things when he became ill and I dont want that to become the norm as harsh as that sounds. I feel like his illness can't control mine and DDs lives.
I need this. I need to prove to myself that I'll be ok. When he first went into hospital I realised how reliant I was on him and thought I wouldn't cope. That isn't healthy. I meed to prove to myself, and DD (and DH tbh) that I can do things.
DD needs to see that she doesn't need to center her world around what other people want and that she shouldn't let them stop her doing what she wants. It's really important she sees that.
I don't know when DH will be well enough to go a long weekend in the UK again, let alone anything bigger.
Financially, I expect we'll have to rely on my wage going forward so things are going to be very different and I dont know if we can afford it again.
So there is the genuine risk that it's now or never.
It just seems like the right thing to do.

As a compromise the holiday has been shortened to 10 days including travel and we will be sticking to the tourist areas instead of going off to random places like we'd planned.

I do feel awful and guilty and like I'm a bad wife for not putting him first. I do feel like I'm purposely doing sonething that I know will cause him pain. I feel like I'm letting him down and I know I will find the holiday stressful and challenging and it's really scary. Of course I'll spend most of the holiday worrying about him and feeling guilty and worrying about sonething going wrong. So then that makes me wonder why I'm doing it at all.

DH is really angry and upset over it. His anxiety is spiralling. He is feeling like I'm not listening and don't care about the impact it is having on him. He is also resentful because he will need to stay with his family while DD and me are away because he isn't well enough to be by himself.

Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay.

They will judge me more than they already do.

My family will judge me. But my parents wouldn't even go on a daytrip alone. It meant that we missed out on things because my mum wouldn't do things if my dad wasnt able to go with her. I dont want that for my DD.

So anyway, I will be taking DD on the holiday and I'll deal with the fallout. But I was just wondering what other people would do? Would you disregard your DH and go on holiday or would you put or DH first? Please be kind. It's really upsetting and whatever I do is wrong.

@Atchooch Anxiety isn’t reasonable. And manic delusional anxiety is especially unreasonable. So your DH will feel anxious about you doing all kinds of things. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do them.

Also, You’ve referenced that this trip has some challenging/adventurous aspects that make you nervous. If you feel comfortable doing so, Please post anything you think we can advise with.
And remember that you can go on the trip but take the safe paths eg stand at the bottom of a mountain and take photos rather than climb it. Or take a taxi ride around a strange city rather than a walking tour.

I do not see how you can live with this. Of course it’s beyond his control but you can’t let your child suffer as a result.

I linked it to your previous posts @Atchooch , though I wasn’t going to say anything as I presumed you had reasons to try and separate the profiles. In any event it doesn’t change my view, you and your DD should absolutely go, you have not had such a difficult time and you deserve this, I get it will be hard for your DH but I’m afraid that isn’t enough of a reason for him to ask you not to go.

Please show your DD, and yourself, that you matter and are capable of doing this trip. I think it will be hugely beneficial to remind yourselves of that after how hard things have been recently and will help rebuild your confidence and resilience. If nothing else remember that you can’t pour form an empty cup, so it will help your husband in the long term too for you to have a break and recharge.

In that case, if he has self awareness, then he should understand about the need to prioritise your daughter’s happiness.

Yes, I have lived this with my sibling. Who held my younger daughter and I hostage by barricading us into a house. It is an extreme form of control. You sound like you’re in the fawn mode of fight or flight. Please, break the cycle in the interests of your daughter. You don’t have very many holiday years left with her.

It’s 10 days!? That’s nothing! Go!! Why isn’t he thinking of his daughter’s happiness ?
he should be wishing you both well and telling you to have a wonderful time!

Yes without wishing to be trite I don't think you should come back

You really need to go, your daughter and you both need it, you don't need any further excuses or reasons

Fast forward to September when your daughter goes back to school. What would you like her to have to talk to her friends about-an exciting trip around Europe or being stuck at home for 6 weeks with a mentally ill father?

I’m really concerned for you OP, that he shouldn’t come home to you in anything like the near or foreseeable future. This is a home with a teenage girl in it. Surely that’s no place for a man who has had mania and may do again? And who is severely depressed?

I've had anxiety (no where near as bad as your husband has, but still grim), so I speak from that point of view. It helps no one, least of all the anxious person, to act as though their fears are rational. Be sympathetic, be supportive, be understanding, but never curtail doing normal things in order to pander to someone with anxiety. The anxiety isn't about any one concrete thing, it just gloms onto whatever concrete thing is near to hand. If you curtail one thing to appease it, soon it will be another thing, and then another, because the thing is not the issue. Anxiety is the mind in absolute terror of something nebulous it can't pin down and that unpindownableness makes it more terrified. It picks something that it thinks is maybe the issue - travel for example. You avoid travel to try to help, but the anxious mind still feels terrified so it thinks "oh, it can't be travel that is the issue because we're avoidibg that, but I still feel the terror so it must me something else - maybe it's leaving my house that is the thing I must avoid." The hardest thing, as an anxious person, to grasp is that you might feel absolute terrifying dread, but that does not mean there is something awful out there. The fear is literally just in your head. People carrying on doing normal things, not pandering the the anxiety, helps you realise it is just a feeling, and its overcomeable.

Which is a massive wall of text that can be shortened to " go on the holiday!"

My mother was very mentally unwell when I was your daughters age and was hospitalized several times. It was awful. Please take your daughter away, it is so important for her and also for you. You sound really strong and like such a good mother and wife.

You need to go.
That poor child has witnessed too much.

He sounds extremely selfish and self absorbed, like a lot of men with poor mental health.

Your daughter needs to come first.
Do it.

Sounds Like you’ve both had a hell of a year. You know you need to do it. Also to set a precedent to both DH and DD that life needs to go on for you both.

What have you cut it down from? If you’ve already told him ten days I guess you should stick to it but I don’t think the time limit will make a huge difference to him here and you should take all the break you can.

Please come back and tell us what a lovely time you have.

I’m so sorry, OP. For all the reasons you mentioned you should go. Especially given that it has been shortened to 10 days.

Well done OP for acknowledging how dependent on your DH you were. For that reason & that reason alone, I would 100% go, the timing is not ideal but it would be so unfair on you & your daughter to cancel completely & I assume there will be money lost too.

life is different now, you need to be able to be independent and all your reasons for going are 100% valid.

You aren’t dumping him on his family forever, if he can’t be alone in general, do you have support from social services/applied for PIP so that you can get care support. It shouldn’t all rest on your shoulders.

i hope you both have a wonderful time on holiday & get the chance to relax & reset

You must go. For both your daughter's and your own sake.

I say this as someone who has chronic mental health problems and has been an inpatient in the past. My issues are also anxiety related.

You must go for all the reasons you mentioned in your post. Please don't allow yourself to be manipulated.

Enjoy and make the most of it. Don't waste the experience by worrying and feeling guilty. Otherwise there's no point in going. It's only 10 days fgs. Go. 🌸

I just want to say I think of you often @Atchooch and I really hope you will go on this break. I don’t know two people who deserve it more than you and DD. I think in this instance you have to show DD you are supporting her. You have done so well both of you and I know you’ve said before how much your daughter was looking forward to this.

100% go OP

Both you and your DD need to go. He is holding you hostage, which may be as a result if his mental illness, or because he is selfish. Either way, doesn’t matter, you need to go.

Definitely go. You deserve a break and your daughter deserves a break too.

On a different thread today, the majority of posters were saying that one's children should always come before one's partner. I didn't necessarily agree with that in the much more trivial situation in that thread's OP. But in this one, I do. It's pretty clear that the poor young girl has been through hell due to her father's illness, and it's also pretty clear that he's unlikely to ever be mentally well.

He has family to look after him. DD (and OP) desperately need some respite. They should go.

I remember your previous threads, I said go on holiday then and I still say it now. You and your daughter need this and your compromise is a good one. You can't help your husband more than you're already doing. I think he'll understand when he's better.

I'm sorry it's just so hard for all of you

@Atchooch I haven't read your previous posts so forgive me if I miss something but this sounds like it will be a longterm situation and you will be the carer. Do not feel selfish about taking time for yourself and/or your daughter.

You will have to carry this load going forward and whilst he may feel upset now, if he was thinking straight he would agree with what you want to do. I have had a partner with Bi Polar and he was repeatedly sectioned, during his manic session he would be inconsolable about stuff and then later when he stabilised understood what he had said and done and how that affected me. You need to go as much for him as for you and your daughter because once he stabilises I am sure he will be upset he deprived you of the break.

It helps no-one if you crash and burn. Your daughter only has a few years of her childhood left and its up to you now to not just consider him, but your child.

It seems to me that you could both do with a break and if you have already paid out and will not have the money to postpone it it would be a shame to lose it. You have already minimised the break to 10 days, it makes sense to go.

I would however speak to the Psychiatric staff and tell them your dilemma and see if he can stay there or some type of respite rather then leaving him with family as he needs consistency and the last thing you want is family winding him up.

Just remember that this is very emotionally intense situation and when there is no end in sight, you need to take time to look after yourself and your daughter because quite frankly, if you break, who looks after him when he comes out?

I would reassure him that you love him but that you need to be strong enough mentally to support him when he comes home and that is what you and your daughter are going on this break,

Big hugs!

As the daughter of a bipolar father who self medicated with alcohol please take your daughter away.

My Dad used to refuse any mental health help and my Mum left him when she found me hiding on the roof one day just because I needed some escape. My relationship with my Dad actually improved when my parents separated, I was your daughters age when she/we finally left (I think she was waiting for me to finish my GCSEs) I felt sorry for him and loved him, but at the same time he was quite emotionally/mentally abusive and I was relieved to not have to live with him anymore.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I guess at least there's the positive that he recognises that he's ill. However he shouldn't use it to keep you all under his control. Xx