AIBU to quit coaching because of difficult and aggressive parents?

[StressedOutFedUp]

A couple of years ago I trained up to teach children a particular sport. I was really passionate about it, and thought I would really enjoy it. I don't do it FT and I WFH in another job.

The children are mostly really nice, but it is the parents that are the problem. I have never experienced such vitriol in my life. I have had 6ft + dads blocking my way demanding to know when their DC is going to be doing this and that, and personally blame me when their DC aren't selected for certain things.

Last week I had one dad corner me because his child was not progressing as much as he wanted. The truth was that this child is not interested, comes up with every excuse in the book not to participate (sore ear, sore toe, sore tummy) and opts out of the tasks I give them. I am constantly threatened with "I'll pull my DC out if you don't....."

The people running it can only do so much. They get it too.

The parents get very upset if they see another child progress in the lesson. It's like a competition and they are missing out. I'm sorry, but some children are really good at sport, and others are good at art, music or drama. You can't force it.

I have to go there tomorrow and I am just dreading it. I think I have sunk cost fallacy. I spent a lot of money training up, and I don't usually quit. However, I am not enjoying it, feel really stressed out waiting for the next aggressive outburst and I now feel unmotivated. I used to put so much effort into preparing for it, and now I feel why should I bother.

I feel my options are quit or stay and be miserable, but wonder if others who coach/ teach DC can offer me another solution.

AIBU to quit?

I would resign and if you have a WhatsApp group/ facebook page etc which includes the parents I would say why - without naming anyone. Maybe give them something to think about

No you’re not unreasonable. You’re not enjoying it, and I presume don’t need the money (if you’re being paid at all). Life is too short to dread doing something that you don’t have to do.

i hear you, I don’t teach sport but another competitive area and parents are genuinely the worst. The narcissism is something else!

If you otherwise enjoy it, could you just ban kids with aggressive parents. One strike and your out sort of thing. You'd probably only need to ban one or two and people would get the message (or maybe that's just wishful thinking).

Yeah my brother bans annoying parents from his football team. Pretty sure parents arent allowed to watch training or anything.

Ban the kids of aggressive parents. Are you a volunteer As they should be grateful you give your time. yanbu. If this isn't working out resign and let the parents know why you have resigned.

I would end this coaching group during the summer, and see if you can find a similar role with another organisation. Sounds like you lucked out with this group of parents.

You don’t need to quit teaching the sport.

you need to find a club that is extremely good at not tolerating this bullshit.

Why aren’t parents being sent letters reminding them of the clubs constitution - why aren’t penalties being handed out like suspension etc.

This happens when it’s allowed to. I mean it shouldn’t happen in the first place - but if/when it does it should be zero tolerance.

Quitting the whole thing seems a bit of a shame. For you and the other kids. Is there nothing you can do to weed out the problem parents? Ideally with the support of the organisation you work with or the sporting body- most have codes of conduct. Could you ban those parents from the training and make them wait in the car/ outside (maybe after a warning).

Have you been able to follow up the issue with those intimidating parents at all?

YANBU to be shocked at the behaviour though.

I think you should send a communication to all your parents and explain that you will not continue training their kids if this continues .

Can you explain the structure of your organisation- are you paid by a company to do this ? Presume you are not a volunteer…

Is it a sport where parents watch? I remember watching the programmes about Crystal Palace a couple of years ago. This focussed on the child/youth teams and was illuminating! As you would expect, some parents were awful! As a result of poor behaviour, some were removed from the standard pitch side watching areas and had to watch from afar. The parents were screaming and shouting coaching instructions to dc as they were playing! And this was Crystal Palace! Even their staff needed to be saints. Obviously you don’t have their resources but is there any way you can keep parents at arm’s length? Eg - collect dc outside the changing room? No contact with coaches? Not sure what else you can do because it’s common behaviour from awful parents. At Palace, some mums were dreadful too!

I can empathise.

I volunteered with a sport for a number of years. Then when I went for an interview for a job related to this sport, I was asked what I had found the most challenging aspect of this role.

I didn't even consider my answer and automatically responded with The Parents. I received full agreement back from the interview panel

I do often wonder, how so many parents don't realise how demanding/overpowering/entitled they can be

I think that now that you have crossed that mental line, why not become much more assertive?

‘I understand your point of view but feel you are being confrontational in your way of speaking. I am doing this coaching voluntarily/in my spare time and don’t have to accept being spoken to like that.’

Only agree to conversations if they are sitting down. That automatically defuses things and reduces the physical intimidation.

The other option is to ask for the organisers to send around an email, reminding parents of appropriate conduct.

Does the national sport association have a code of conduct?

I have a very mixed relationship with volunteering. I love it but have had the most stressful and infuriating experiences, including a similar confrontation with a hostile man at an event where I was volunteering. It somehow becomes even more galling because you are doing it voluntarily in the first place!

Yanbu. At my swim club we get it and we’re even blooming volunteeers! Entitlement is off the charts. Even small things ‘what time is training’ as if the VOLUNTEER chairman - who kindly in her free time created a website with all the answers- is their personal PA. Leave op, and detail why.

It depends how regular it is to be honest op, if it’s happened a handful of times or only a few parents then giving up a job you love it’s a shame when actually the parents need to be told eg their kid is coming up with excuses so the parents need to decide it’s worth continuing.

You say the people running it can only do so much, but what have they actually done? For example, have they sent an email round to all parents stating that being rude and abusive to staff and volunteers won’t be tolerated and what the consequences would be?

I think it would be worth trying to establish some behaviour expectations before walking away.

Have you ever said 'I am not comfortable with the tone of this conversation' and stepped away?

It's hard to know how bad it is without more info about the club rules and your personal boundary setting.

But I don't doubt the issue exists, all parents have observed it!

There is never any excuse for aggression. Can you join another company/voluntary group that offers the sport nearby?

How aware of the aggression are the people running the organisation? Are you comfortable talking to them and letting them know how you feel? I would think they should take the risk to employees/volunteers very seriously.

I agree with previous posters, get rid of the kids with problem parents followed by a letter/email explaining that such behaviour won’t be tolerated. That should send a message loud and clear to everyone else.

This is the best option.
Parents are banned from watching swimming where my child goes too except the end of term exhibition

I think this may be par for the course with extracurricular activities that involve competitive progression. When my daughter was at dancing she progressed hugely and the bitterness the owner got and accusations of favouritism and group chats of bitching were non stop. Not that I'm saying it's in anyway ok op, you need to have a really strong firm stance and call a meeting with the parents and explain exactly how things are

YANBU. I have seen it time and again in several sports. Coaches and volunteers get a lot of hassle from parents. DH volunteers as a judge in a particular sport and has had a few run ins with parents. He still does it because if he doesn’t then the races can’t go ahead, but it’s tough. I imagine coaching is worse.

YANBU. I remember how over invested parents would be on the sidelines when my 10 year old son was playing football. This was at a very mediocre level even for kids' sport.

Husband coaches and is ending this year because of exactly this. All the parents think their little Johnny is a prodigy and not yet another slightly mediocre child who doesn't really want to be there, but because competitive dad and pushy mum insist. Pre-covid, at least some of the parents used to volunteer and help out. Now, they expect to turn up, leave their children to it while they go to the bar and then demand a 1:1 progress summary at the end, instead of even watching the session. They don't mark their child as available to play in matches, then complain when they don't get selected. Or drop out at an hour's notice because the parents decided to do something else that day, leaving husband scratching around trying to find another player. It is utterly thankless and time consuming so now our kids are older and playing independently, he is going to go back to playing himself.

Grassroots sport is going to die out if the recent cohort of parents keep increasing their demands and decreasing their engagement.

How about this approach:
Communication to all parents informing them that aggressive or hostile behaviour will not be tolerated and setting out the consequences. Decisions about teams etc. are the coach’s to make, are final, and no discussions will be entered into.
If an aggressive parent does corner you, tell them “I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice” and walk away.
Ban for the children of aggressive parents. One warning then OUT. It’s a shame for the kids but a line needs to be drawn.

Such a shame that pushy parents are spoiling it for you and the children.

If you are on the verge of quitting then you have nothing to lose by pushing to make sure boundaries are enforced. There should be a strict code of conduct around parents’ behaviour. A warning email sent to a parent who acts aggressively/unreasonably, followed by banning the parents from the grounds or the child from the sport if the parent doesn’t clean up their act. Take it up assertively with the people running it, have an email send out prior to enforcement explaining the policy. Or some of the other very good ideas suggested here. You shouldn’t have to put up with abuse and aggression at work.