AIBU to quit coaching because of difficult and aggressive parents?

[StressedOutFedUp]

A couple of years ago I trained up to teach children a particular sport. I was really passionate about it, and thought I would really enjoy it. I don't do it FT and I WFH in another job.

The children are mostly really nice, but it is the parents that are the problem. I have never experienced such vitriol in my life. I have had 6ft + dads blocking my way demanding to know when their DC is going to be doing this and that, and personally blame me when their DC aren't selected for certain things.

Last week I had one dad corner me because his child was not progressing as much as he wanted. The truth was that this child is not interested, comes up with every excuse in the book not to participate (sore ear, sore toe, sore tummy) and opts out of the tasks I give them. I am constantly threatened with "I'll pull my DC out if you don't....."

The people running it can only do so much. They get it too.

The parents get very upset if they see another child progress in the lesson. It's like a competition and they are missing out. I'm sorry, but some children are really good at sport, and others are good at art, music or drama. You can't force it.

I have to go there tomorrow and I am just dreading it. I think I have sunk cost fallacy. I spent a lot of money training up, and I don't usually quit. However, I am not enjoying it, feel really stressed out waiting for the next aggressive outburst and I now feel unmotivated. I used to put so much effort into preparing for it, and now I feel why should I bother.

I feel my options are quit or stay and be miserable, but wonder if others who coach/ teach DC can offer me another solution.

AIBU to quit?

Yup, got this as a girl guide leader too.

Had some keyboard warrior mum try to get me "sacked" from my volunteer role because her daughter was a bully and I wasn't going to stand for it in my unit.

She even started making false accusations about me at my actual work.

Some people are psychotic. I could totally see where her daughter got it from!

Before quitting, it might be worth going all out and saying things like they are and maybe issuing a retrospective no tolerance policy to all your clients. This might feel out of character for you, but you might find this sort of bad behaviour is reduced by it so worth giving it a try.

If you continue, I would get the parents to sign an agreement up front and make it absolutely crystal clear that you will no tolerate any form of intimidation and the coaching will potentially cease immediately if anyone misbehaves. You would find that many parents will quietly be pleased as they're just as sick as you are of pushy parents. If you're thinking of quitting anyway, it's surely worth giving it a go.

I'd get tough before quitting before it sounds like you could potentially enjoy this.

Club needs to send an email reminding parents how to behave and manage expectations re selection etc.

I agree they should but let’s be honest, it’s just shouting into the void unless there’s any meaningful sanction for misbehaviour.

I would ask the organisers to send an email saying that the activity may not be able to continue because the coaches are being abused verbally by parents and it is not worth their time. Set out some rules of behaviour for parents and any breach means they will be given a warning asked to leave. Obvs worded differently.

I think the problem with banning kids for their parents is that they'll probably get even more aggressive. Bad mouthing you online. Turning up yelling etc. This type of man will treat you worse as a woman than they would a man doing the same thing.

Yes this is worth a try

This is why my DD stopped doing football refereeing. Grown ass fathers bullying a 15 year old girl. It was disgusting.

OP I wouldn’t quit but I would make sure some very strict rules are enforced as a condition to carrying on.

I don’t coach but my kids play and I’ve seen what you describe first hand. I don’t envy you!

Usually it’s poor communication that causes the problem here. Like - “why has my kid been stuck on 95% on their swim level for two months? What exactly is the blockage?” leads to frustrated parents as other kids overtake. And then a year later still seething, the parent will blow up at the slightest indication their child is being “held back” or somehow overlooked.

My son does judo at a fairly relaxed club and he isn’t great at it but he has always taken huge enjoyment from it. Chatting to the dads who did judo as kids, they are all the quite knowledgeable and they all have opinions about which local clubs focus too much on sparring early on at the expense of technique, which clubs are too harsh and cause injury and high rates of dropout etc.

I would say before you quit: ask the club organiser to send a memo to all the parents reminding them that children’s rates of progress vary and that the coaches will always seek to provide training and development opportunities to all participants in the club as appropriate to their ability, level and appetite/interest. Also reminding parents that enjoyment of the sport is the best way of ensuring sustained interest and success; that developing a good technique early is really important and rushing the early stages tends to lead to later struggling with bad habits, poor rates of success in the sport and ultimately less enjoyment and lower likelihood of participation at competitive or senior ranks. The memo could also explicitly recognise that the coaches do monitor and plan the progress of each child in the club, and if a parent or carer has complaints about the way their child is being coached to please raise those concerns with Club organisers . Remind parents that the end of each coaching session may not be the best time for a coach to discuss an individual child.

You could also ask the club organiser to prepare a monthly handout to the kids to hand back to the coaches end of month. With boxes to complete like :

“This month I am proud of …” (you get littler kids can do a picture, older ones can write something).

“This month I have improved at…”

“Next month I am going to focus on…”

And then each month the handout can have a different value like “This month’s club focus is Practising Perfect Technique.” Or “Teamwork”. Or Warming up Well. Or Speed, Stamina, Flexibility, Strength, and so on.

For you get kids you might stamp their handouts with a big star stamp and so they can keep them so show how much progress they are making.

I agree with others just ban the kids with rude parents , it doesn’t sound like they want to be there anyway .

The people who run the company need to send out a letter to parents that explains what behaviour will and will not be tolerated, and what reasonable expectations are.

I was involved with a competitive sports club for years. All parents and kids signed a code of conduct at the time of registration (4X/year). There were also mandatory parent meetings once a year. Consequences for breeches were spelled out - from short term to permanent removal of the child from the club with no refund of fees. Some coaches also had their own, even more detailed, contracts with their clients, spelling out invoicing & payment timelines, allowable communication times, rates & charges, termination rules, etc. We also had harassment policies detailing the reporting process posted on the website and linked to the governing body. The parents were still psycho but they mostly reined it in for fear their child wouldn't get lessons. God I don't miss that atmosphere.

I would first look at existing policies (club and governing body) for protections, go to the executive and ask them what they will do to protect you, and act based on their response. Abuse and intimidation should never be allowed.

Email with new code of conduct for parents.
Yellow card (physical ) if they get in your face, you don't need to say anything.

Red card if they don't immediately back off, penalty 1 month suspension for child.
I've seen some terrible behaviour from, mostly Dads, at 7 yr old football training. 😬🙄

This. Before you quit it’s worth sending out a clear message about the kind of spirit you expect at the club and what will not be tolerated. It’s not easy but have a clear plan for yourself after that of what you will do - ie kick them out if they behave in aggressive ways.

This is what it's like teaching in schools.

I agree with this. DD1 played football for 3 years, her coaches didn’t stand for any nonsense. It was an absolute eye opener going to matches. There were opposing team coaches who were just as disgraceful as parents on the sidelines. The girls were primary school age but the language used, the way parents yelled at the kids and encouraged poor and violent behaviour on the pitch was disgusting. DD1 ended up getting her arm broken at a match. Thankfully she took up another sport, and I volunteer as a judge as it couldn’t happen without them, and we’ve had training in the welfare of young people and are encouraged to report coaches or parents behaving badly. The club you’re with doesn’t deserve you @StressedOutFedUp

So sad that people.think it is Ok to parent in this way - pushy, self centred and with zero respect or interest in others.
No wonder that many children develop mental health problems and / or struggle in school and beyond.
Really feel for you OP, shame that what should be an enjoyable activity for kids and an enjoyable sport to teach is spoilt by parents behaving so appallingly.

The worst part about working with kids is the parents. Most kids are average at most stuff. A very very few will be exceptional at something.

Unfortunately, many parents believe their child is a genius at some randomly chosen thing, and God help the adult who has to point out actually that they are not.

I had a friend who was adamant her son was the next Big Thing in Football. News alert - he isn't. Of course this is what the poor kid has been told for most of his life, so you can imagine the arrogance and swagger. He used to have plenty of friends - not so many now. Poor kid.

@StressedOutFedUp Wow. My ds plays tennis and I have never seen entitled parents approaching the coach. My ds was disappointed to not being moved forward to next level so I just asked the coach if she wouldn't mind giving him some encouragement to hang in there which she did. Because the goal is for your child to enjoy the sport- no matter how good/bad they are at it and it's not up to parents to decide that because we're not the professionnals. But I think tennis is different than let's say football- my neighbour was appalled because some dads (and mums!) were literally fighting and screaming obscenities during games. And we're talking about children 8-10 y old here!

Those of you saying it's up to OP to get better at managing the parents - Just NO!

I always think 'are you this sort of parent' when you say that.

Parents need to shut up and leave the coaches and volunteers alone.

If you're not prepared to volunteer or be a coach, but somehow think you know everything - just keep quiet or do the work with your own child yourself.

I was going to come on and say this. I have been teaching for over 20 years and the way a large minority of parents choose to communicate with staff has changed so much in that time. Confrontational and aggressive is their go to response.

Do you charge for your services?

I think kids sport/activities have been ruined by everyone involved monetising everything. It has seeped into the volunteering side too but i see that more as a consequence of attitudes these days.

Gone are the days where natural talent, love for sport and having free access to school fields with similar minded kids where they can develop their skills. Its been replaced by coaches who charge, facilities who charge, equipment that costs more and more, parents who pay AND expect results for their little lord fontleroy.

I have been around sport my entire life. My own child got to world level. I competed to professional level. I volunteer coached for years as i was coached when i was younger and i have witnessed the power of the £££ in it getting stronger and stronger.

Is the attitude from parents unacceptable - Yes. Is it any surprise - No

Absolutely resign and list out the appalling behaviour of some parents as the cause.

Blocking your way is actually a police matter.
Unbelievable.

That would have the family removed and banned from any club I have been involved with.

There are huge waiting lists and it wouldn't be tolerated for a moment.

Is it tennis by any chance?

I volunteer in a coaching role and although most parents are lovely to me, there are a few who need to be reminded that I'm a volunteer and I'd be happy to hand over my unpaid role to them so they can perform it to their satisfaction.

They usually accept that and one happy day someone might agree to volunteer instead of me!

The thing that stops me quitting is that would put more pressure on the other volunteers.