AIBU to quit coaching because of difficult and aggressive parents?

[StressedOutFedUp]

A couple of years ago I trained up to teach children a particular sport. I was really passionate about it, and thought I would really enjoy it. I don't do it FT and I WFH in another job.

The children are mostly really nice, but it is the parents that are the problem. I have never experienced such vitriol in my life. I have had 6ft + dads blocking my way demanding to know when their DC is going to be doing this and that, and personally blame me when their DC aren't selected for certain things.

Last week I had one dad corner me because his child was not progressing as much as he wanted. The truth was that this child is not interested, comes up with every excuse in the book not to participate (sore ear, sore toe, sore tummy) and opts out of the tasks I give them. I am constantly threatened with "I'll pull my DC out if you don't....."

The people running it can only do so much. They get it too.

The parents get very upset if they see another child progress in the lesson. It's like a competition and they are missing out. I'm sorry, but some children are really good at sport, and others are good at art, music or drama. You can't force it.

I have to go there tomorrow and I am just dreading it. I think I have sunk cost fallacy. I spent a lot of money training up, and I don't usually quit. However, I am not enjoying it, feel really stressed out waiting for the next aggressive outburst and I now feel unmotivated. I used to put so much effort into preparing for it, and now I feel why should I bother.

I feel my options are quit or stay and be miserable, but wonder if others who coach/ teach DC can offer me another solution.

AIBU to quit?

A very sensible approach.

Just don’t get followed! 🤣

I coach a male dominated sport too so wholly sympathise and can well imagine. I would however urge you not to quit as female coaches are few and far between already. I would send (with the club) an formal email to parents outlining behaviour expectations and consequences for not complying. I've developed a hard shell when coaching that comes with age, experience and confidence but my advice:

1. Have zero tolerance for shit. If the club don't support this then find one that does. For example in my club, if I report any threatening or aggressive behaviour the club ask me how I wish to proceed and if I say enough, they're out.
2. Be more vocal: this one is harder and I'm loathe to say it for fear or sounding like I'm victim blaming but you need to get yourself a reputation for being no-nonsense and outspoken. The minute a parent starts spouting off at you or in ear shot or being in any way intimidating you need to be on them straightaway and very loudly so they & everyone else can hear. You make it very clear you will not be intimidated/spoken to like this or they will be asked to leave and their child could lose their place on the team.

We shouldn't have to deal with any of this but the sad fact is too many (mainly but not exclusively) men think bullying is the answer .
And don't get me started on the demands on the Whatsapp groups: no, I will not remind you where the match is it's on the website and in an email sent 3 days ago; yes you do need to make your own arrangements to get there, no your child won't be playing until you pay subs; yes your child is on the bench because they haven't been to training/misbehaved/hasn't got the right equipment.

Bonkers

Can you have a think about boundaries first and how to enforce them which could include a message to all the parents and how disappointing some behaviour is and what won't be tolerated and consequences for braking a boundary. You would obviously need to the support of the organisation to do this. If you don't get the support, or parents continue to play up then you can consider quitting.

This
my brother in laws best mate is a cricket coach and he has this but it got nipped in the bud
some parents are just ridiculous forcing kids to do hobbies they aren’t even interested in!

Change area ? We have one set of football teams with aggressive dads like this sucking the fun out of everything, 5 minutes down the road and it's an entirely different demographic and feel.

The first one is adjacent to a popular pub 😆 the other one requires a walk down a muddy path.

I quite a job in a school because of difficult and aggressive parents.

I would never work with familes again as long as I live.

I feel for you OP! Some parents think the world revolves around them and are a bloody nightmare.

Yes, I am fast becoming very cynical about people. I think they are becoming more and more selfish and awful. I think I am going to look for another job in the Autumn and one that does not include people.

I'd print off a load of letters stating you won't tolerate aggressive and threatening behaviour from parents. State you'll be ceasing to coach if this continues. And add anything else relevant.

It's disgusting.

Absolutely this.

I assume you are part of an organisation - there should be structures in place if this is the case - if not - ask..

If it is just you, then make it part of the terms and conditions of sign up that certain behaviours will not be accepted.

eg: Complaints procedure - in writing (whatsapp / email) with follow up within 48 hours also by whatsapp / email. If this is not resolved, face to face can be arranged within 2 weeks but not before, during or after training as this distracts from the focus of the training. Should the issue remain unresolved, you reserve the right to terminate the relationship and refund 50% of remaining fees.. for example.

If needed, you could also put an assessment process in place with a kind of parents evening.. I suspect that few will turn up and this will resolve lots of the queries.

However, you do not sound like you are enjoying this - is there another way that you can use your skills? younger ages where parents are required to participate alongside their children or older ages where parents are not part of the picture at all?

Keep reiterating the code of conduct, expectation of participation, respect. And if parents say they will take their children out - so be it. You might find you get more people staying if the difficult families leave. Make it clear in your terms and conditions if they pay upfront for a term, whether they do or do not get a refund if they decide to leave.

Fill your life with things you love - if it does not bring you joy and you have other options - take those other options. If you need the money, find a way to make it tolerable. Maybe request parent volunteers to help manage the start and end of the session so they can filter the complaints and insist that parents make their complaints in writing. Start each session with a reiteration of the expected levels of conduct and give children the option to sit out, if they do not want to participate, with the consequences that they will not progress / participate in games. If there are other coaches, speak to them, suggest that you pair up, swap groups or other ways where it is not all on you alone.

Yeah the entitlement is unreal.
Kids cant be good at everything.
And some school years are wierd! My eldest had MEGA clever and sporty kids in her class well above average in most things and she is intelligent but not sporty so really felt lacking, but i just kept reassuring her that she would find her talent and she did its acting/drama and is is just so good at it....
My youngests year group she is above and beyond one of the most intelligent (im not boasting sorry if it comes out that way) and is exceptionally good at gymnastics and dance and others are nowhere near here....
A lot of the time its luck about whose in your class/groups.

Ive never complained to any teacher or volunteer about my children's involvement etc. The only time I have complained was a particular placement of children in a show, my dd is very short and she was placed behind a very tall girl...couldnt see her for entire show....turns out the tall girl stood in wrong place 😂 but even though I complained I wasnt aggressive or angry

I coached football. I did it because there was a lot of demand for girls to join a well-established local club, and they didn't have enough coaches.

I hated it. The parents were, at times, awful: questioning decisions, complaining, disappearing on the days when it was chucking it down and someone had to put up nets. There was one parent who was almost always there, offering lifts to matches, helping with the equipment or running the line. Most of the others just disappeared when we needed help. Sometimes parents would collect children late, and one day, this was half an hour late and really ate into my Saturday. There was no apology.

I was on a coaching team with mostly guys, and another woman. The woman was really passive aggressive and undermined me a lot of the time. A couple of the guys were really nice but one of them just talked over me the whole time, took over my sessions, and I ended up feeling like a spare part.

I was so glad to quit when my daughter said she did not want to do football anymore.

I run a karate club now. I sort of inherited it and did not set out to become an instructor. It's funny because most of the parents are fine; they never interfere with our teaching or question it - maybe because they can't wander in off the street and claim they know how or what to teach! We do still have problems with some people being late to pay or not responding to emails, but overall it is a much better experience than the football club ever was.

Could you have a written agreement like they do in schools - a code of conduct - for both the parents and children?

If they don’t abide by it then they get a warning, if they break the rules again then they are barred from signing up in the future, or something? 🤷‍♀️

Please keep in mind that the ones you notice are the assholes. The majority aren't but I do understand if you are fed up with those who are acting like twats.

Stage mums are frightening too. I know one. So aggressive and delusional about her kid. The child isn't terrible, just totally average.

Does your club not have a Parent Code of Conduct?
https://www.swimming.org/swimengland/safeguarding-information-parents/

Here's a sample parent code of conduct - see points 7, 12, 13, 17.
https://www.swimleeds.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/parents-code-of-conduct.pdf

Is there no welfare or safeguarding person to back you up?

Used to be a Youth Football Coach.

On one occasion, after substituting someone's son, the father grabbed me by the throat in a rage.

I wouldn't blame you for wanting to stop.

I absolutely wouldn't blame you for wanting to stop. Whether voluntary or paid, you don't have to put up with abusive behaviour.

However, as its clearly something that you invested time and money into qualifying to do, seem to enjoy aside from the difficult families, could you start with establishing a policy that aggressive and abusive behaviour from participants or families will not be tolerated and anyone conducting themselves in this manner will no longer be accepted for lessons/coaching? I'm sure someone else can/has worded better than me. Is there anyway you can kick those families out, and maintain the reasonable ones? It would make it a much better and fairer environment for everyone to flourish. I've definitely seen similar done before for a variety of clubs (although completely appreciate it could be hard to get in place and you absolutely don't have to if you would rather quit and be done with it)

Our son is moving school and we recently went to an introductory morning at new school. At pick up, some dad was waiting for his kid (also an newbie) and was like (of his daughter) “OH it’s HER choice to come to this school, she drove it all! SHE rules the roost”.

I was just like “Jesus wept”. This was after he’d asked the waiting room at large why we were moving our kids from one school to another. Hell is (or at least can be) other parents.

I’ve attended two drama schools. The saying is: “There are no small parts - only small actors”.

Ouch 😂 not heard that one!

If that was in reference to not being able to see .y daughter, it was a dance show and the girl in front of her was out of formation 😂

Acting wise she gets the biggest parts no trouble (even though shes small 😉)

Completely sympathise OP I don’t know what the answer is: my DSis and BIL used to run and under 9’s football team and two of the parents had a fisticuffs fight in full view of the children!!!! They take it far too seriously and my sister decided as a voluntary position it was far too much placating the parents (she loved the coaching etc but hated the way the parents behaved sometimes) and again it was the minority who spoilt it for the majority
i wish you luck 🍀 and hope you can continue the training with a better club / place

Some parents seem to become incredibly jealous when their child's friends in a hobby outperform their own child, even occasionally. Can anyone explain the psychology behind this kind of seething jealousy?

Personally, I've always been happy when my dc friends do well. I tell my them that there will be other opportunities and that everyone gets their moment at different times. I'm curious about what drives some parents to react so negatively when another child shines.