AIBU to quit coaching because of difficult and aggressive parents?

[StressedOutFedUp]

A couple of years ago I trained up to teach children a particular sport. I was really passionate about it, and thought I would really enjoy it. I don't do it FT and I WFH in another job.

The children are mostly really nice, but it is the parents that are the problem. I have never experienced such vitriol in my life. I have had 6ft + dads blocking my way demanding to know when their DC is going to be doing this and that, and personally blame me when their DC aren't selected for certain things.

Last week I had one dad corner me because his child was not progressing as much as he wanted. The truth was that this child is not interested, comes up with every excuse in the book not to participate (sore ear, sore toe, sore tummy) and opts out of the tasks I give them. I am constantly threatened with "I'll pull my DC out if you don't....."

The people running it can only do so much. They get it too.

The parents get very upset if they see another child progress in the lesson. It's like a competition and they are missing out. I'm sorry, but some children are really good at sport, and others are good at art, music or drama. You can't force it.

I have to go there tomorrow and I am just dreading it. I think I have sunk cost fallacy. I spent a lot of money training up, and I don't usually quit. However, I am not enjoying it, feel really stressed out waiting for the next aggressive outburst and I now feel unmotivated. I used to put so much effort into preparing for it, and now I feel why should I bother.

I feel my options are quit or stay and be miserable, but wonder if others who coach/ teach DC can offer me another solution.

AIBU to quit?

Not just mothers. Dads share the blame. And can be especially awful in the context of sports.

It's happened for years, usually it's those who offer the least who expect the most! About 40 years ago I was responsible for a Primary school's netball team on a base in Germany. We had a tournament on the base and one father in particular, a senior NCO, was being a real PITA, I asked him to cool it, then to go away and eventually threatened to get the Red Caps to remove him!
My family members have done a lot with a local rugby team, one mother approached my daughter who was sorting out lunch for the players for
when they were clean and dressed, this mother complained about the veggie choice, the suggestion that she joined the helpers was met with blank looks, Moi? !

No parents at coaching sessions at all. Is this possible?

Can you maybe offer your services to schools and youth centres? That way you don't have to deal with parents

100%

@StressedOutFedUp what you are experiencing is awful. But please dont quit, or if you do make it known why.

People need telling that their behaviour is unacceptable, they need challenging and calling out on it or its just going to get worse and worse

If a man corned me in that threatening way I would whip my phone out, film him and threaten to send it to the police if he did not immediately apologise and back down.

I also disagree

Triathlon jas a rule

if you heckle the children competing your child is disqualified

your club could bring in a rule

if the coach is harassed by any parents about the Childs training - they will be suspended for 3 weeks

the parents will take note if it means their child doesn't get to play/compete

Can you print off a leaflet/letter for every child for their parents, explaining that aggressive parents are not acceptable and will be banned, along with their child, from future sessions? One strike and out.

Maybe coach a different sport, you don’t get this at rugby

The OP has trained to coach something they are passionate about and your answer is to go and train for something else if the parents are a problem - rather than sort the problem

This. DS is a tennis coach and his club have a ban-list/zero tolerance policy. He hated it at first - felt really awkward having to tell 'grown-ups' to back off (and he is yr 6ft + bloke!) but knowing it is a club policy and he has a list (I mean - it seems crazy even to think this should have to be the case!) means he can default back to the club and it gives him absolute support and authority.

Sadly, you find this type of behaviour from parents in schools too. Their child is the most important person in the entire school.....why should my child have to XYZ, why isn't my child doing XYZ, why has X been chosen over my child, my child is a good boy/girl they wouldn't do X....you get the picture here.

You're a volunteer, so in some ways it makes the parents behaviour even worse. If it wasn't for you, their child wouldn't be able to learn the sport.

I quite like DD’s gymnastics clubs approach. The coaches stand inside the door with the register and bellow “safeguarding - no parents past the door!” at anyone who approaches. Any issues, you’re asked to either hand over a note or email the club admin (who I think may run a “one annoying strike and you’re out” policy), all of which are in the T&C’s when you sign up.

And this is why I stop volunteering with Scouts...the kids were great, the parents not so much

> "I'll pull my DC out if you don't....."
I'd say "I think removing your child is probably the best thing for them and you"

Can the club remind the parents that coaches are to be respected by the parents. The football club thst my son attend send often reminder to the parents in the group chat that coaches are benevoles and should be respected. Any disrespect will result in ban. It works well enough.

Introduce a parents conduct policy and make them sign it. We have a thing called silent sidelines where I am which does not stop parents from cheering but rather stops the nonsense behaviour. We are absolutely ardent with our kids around having entitled expectations around coaches time and energy because DH and I have been involved in many of their hobbies as coaches and leaders but many parents are not like that.

This is a real shame. We have similar experiences at school with aggressive parents so we have a really clear policy in place around zero tolerance, we've had parents banned from the playground and school premisses. It's all very embarrassing for the child.

Thankfully I've not seen this behaviour at our rugby club. I think it helps that the coaches are volunteer parents but attitudes are good anyway. The messaging is around the ethos being to develop players who carry on playing the sport as adults and enjoy it, it's not about beasting them to become the next international superstar.

I've also had experience as a gymnastics parent in a more elite stream and that's where I can imagine sometimes this kind of attitude could come through.

What are your employers like regarding the messaging that parents and carers receive when the child joins up and through the year? Are there agreements signed that state what the coaches, children and parents all should expect and are responsible for? A relationships policy about the sport and training only working when there's mutual respect from all three parties. Any posters at the facility about zero tolerance for abuse towards staff?

Have you spoken with your manager? Or the trustees? From a governance perspective, it's my responsibility as a board member or volunteer trustee to ensure the safety and wellbeing of our volunteers and staff so I need to make sure we've got policies and procedures in place for that.

Is there any support from your sport's club, local board, or national governing body? Most of them are getting pretty good on guidance for dealing with aggressive parents.

OP, are you a volunteer or paid, it's unclear?

My advice is the same eithe rway, but the exact wording might vary.

the people in charge - whether that's you or someone else - should be circulating some sort of code of conduct, for both children and parents. And insisting it is adhered to - your child is out if they dont.

I also think polite honesty is important, "I kow you'd like your child to play in th enext match but at practice he consistently finds excuses to sit out and not participate. I certainly can't include him if he's not demonstrating commitment or working on his skills."

There needs to be consequences for parents who behave like this.

In education there is a phrase - what you tolerate you promote. If schools can ban parents from the buildings you certainly can.

Can you get the organisation on board with a code of conduct for parents & their backing if you remove children from the team due to parents behaviour?

It will be rocky to start but the message will get through. What have you got to lose. You may well attract more parents of the sort you want if word gets round.

YANBU I stopped working with kids in certain settings because of the parents.

It’s the poor kids I feel sorry for having to have them as parents.

If you enjoy the kids and sport, could you look at similar roles but that have less parent involvement eg camps or PE teacher.

😜

I hope it's not swimming. DS is doing swimming for GCSE and will be moving to the swim team at our local gym as training in a couple of weeks. I don't know if I can cope with crazy parents. Hopefully I can drop him and slope off to the cafe for coffee and no one will ever know that we're connected!!!

I have DC of my own. They aren’t great at sport, and that’s OK. They are good at drama. They usually get a good part. When I recently thanked a drama teacher at a club they attend, I was told that my DC show up, having done the work, and are really reliable as in they are trusted to get on with it and deliver.

Other parents at the school complained that my DC get good parts and then they got bumped down to first blade of grass for a few years. The ones complaining are the ones insisting on their kids job sharing the goalie role in the football team. One parent called me up once and said their DC was really upset mine had won the science trophy that year, and would I share it with their DC.