AIBU to quit coaching because of difficult and aggressive parents?

[StressedOutFedUp]

A couple of years ago I trained up to teach children a particular sport. I was really passionate about it, and thought I would really enjoy it. I don't do it FT and I WFH in another job.

The children are mostly really nice, but it is the parents that are the problem. I have never experienced such vitriol in my life. I have had 6ft + dads blocking my way demanding to know when their DC is going to be doing this and that, and personally blame me when their DC aren't selected for certain things.

Last week I had one dad corner me because his child was not progressing as much as he wanted. The truth was that this child is not interested, comes up with every excuse in the book not to participate (sore ear, sore toe, sore tummy) and opts out of the tasks I give them. I am constantly threatened with "I'll pull my DC out if you don't....."

The people running it can only do so much. They get it too.

The parents get very upset if they see another child progress in the lesson. It's like a competition and they are missing out. I'm sorry, but some children are really good at sport, and others are good at art, music or drama. You can't force it.

I have to go there tomorrow and I am just dreading it. I think I have sunk cost fallacy. I spent a lot of money training up, and I don't usually quit. However, I am not enjoying it, feel really stressed out waiting for the next aggressive outburst and I now feel unmotivated. I used to put so much effort into preparing for it, and now I feel why should I bother.

I feel my options are quit or stay and be miserable, but wonder if others who coach/ teach DC can offer me another solution.

AIBU to quit?

Is it swimming? Swim parents are fucking nuts.

Interesting you should mention that.
My clubs have a permanent sticker at the end of every email that all organisers are volunteers.
At the beginning of every year of coaching every family has to sign a code of ethics/ behaviour.

No bullshit tolerated.
I presume at some point there must have been an issue.

Do you do this through a club type environment or solo?
If with a club id take it to the club and tell them they need to deal with coaches being cornered by parents and to stop it happening.

if you are solo then I would come up with a few stock phrases

If you. feel that you'd like to pull your dc out of the sport, that is your prerogative and it will be for the best

Is your Childs interest in the sport as passionate as yours?

its s hame your dc isn't progressing at your pace, I can teach skills but not burning desire

I don’t have sporty kids or experience in this but my friend solved it for her situation - she ran a football team and had terrible time with parents, so she was much more selective about which children were alllwed to join based on also judging their parents attitude, and setting boundaries with parents at that stage. I’m afraid I don’t know the detail but it made the whole thing much better.

@DannyDeever

I'd be happy to hand over my unpaid role to them so they can perform it to their satisfaction.

great phrase to note down

Ban parents from watching training/coaching sessions.

As a parent, I observe how some mothers speak to teachers and leaders of extracurricular activities, and it is unbelievable.

I'm talking about well to do, middle-class people enjoying every advantage in life. Yet some of them are openly aggressive and more than willing to walk over dead bodies in their pursuit of making darling son or daughter the shining star of every activity.

They actively try to undermine the opportunities of their child's peers and even their supposed friends. It's utterly uncouth and so aggressive.

What I can't understand is how they think this will end. When a child is accustomed to getting their own way regardless of merit and effort and without developing the necessary skills because mummy is constantly clearing the path for them, what happens when they grow up?

Once bully mum no longer has any influence, how will those spoilt darlings continue getting the same kicks and sense of achievement? The real world doesn't hand out rewards simply because someone feels entitled to them.

They are literally bringing up entitled people who are led to believe the world totally revolves around only them. Weird.

Some are absolutely total nut roasts

watching them sat on the side with their stop watches out, ffs let your dc enjoy the sport, enjoy their own passion to strive well and don't live your life through your dc experiences

I've heard the rollockings after galas and told mine at the time if she ever changed her mind about racing, up tot he point of diving in she is to leave - we go home end of. Its so sad to hear these parents as another parent and makes me cringe

Why should parents that are behaving themselves be banned & children like to have parents support. ban parents from approaching coaches, make them email and make an appointment so others can be present - but don't ban parents that want to support and denied children the ability to train in front of their parents.

This happened with my son in law , he was manager of the team from prob age 4-15 , mixed group of boys/ personalities and the aggressive parents who questioned so many of his decisions . Eventually he found another person to take over the team and walked away from them as he was getting so stressed . The team folded less than 7 months later . Parents underestimate the time, energy and effort that goes into running a football team at grassroots level!

Ban the parents. My daughters coach is known for it so nobody dares gives him grief. Chucks the parents out if he doesn't like how they talk to him, or their kids. Chucks kids out too if they aren't polite to parents and him. He's ruthless about it. That's what you need to do, word will get around and nobody will mess with you. Its awful that you have to do it, but don't let bullies ruin something you've worked for, and fundamentally enjoy.

“If you are not happy I understand why you are removing your child from the session. Let me say goodbye to child “

and no watching training sessions

@StressedOutFedUp sadly I have found it is the parents that ruin it for volunteers. Have run brownies, guides, beavers and DH has run cricket training in the past. We loved the kids - but the parents are often aggressive (why didn’t my child get picked? Why are they playing that position? Why didn’t they get a place on the camping trip?), quick to pick fault despite not having done the training, entitled by the fact that they play the organisation a termly subscription that is a pittance and now feel that you are the hired help and/or cheap childcare - very much in evidence as they get bladdered at the bar during matches and let other children and dogs run riot. Oh, and they often just don’t bother turning up to important fixtures/matches or ‘cancel’ 2 hours beforehand because the sun is shining and they’ve had an invite to a BBQ/party [sorry, we double booked]. That one killed my DH as he scrabbled around to find a kid that had had to reconcile the fact that they not been chosen initially and cajole his parents (who felt slighted he/she was not first pick) into bringing them along. Strangely it was mainly the away matches that it impacted as they couldn’t be arsed to drive across the county [and wouldn’t be able to prop up the bar]…

DH and I both loved the kids and felt we got back more than we gave them, but both decided after lockdown and a forced break that we would not go back. The stress of the parents was the cruncher.

It depends about the service you are providing. Are you paid or are you a volunteer? I am guessing this is football because that often comes with parents that cannot behave but I might be wrong.

Is the group a business and all about their profit? Is this a local community group that charges a small fee to cover their expenses?

We have a local childs football group and I know a couple of the people that run it. If any parents behave like that they are given a first warning and told in no uncertain terms what will happen if they persist. If it happens again they are told to find their children an alternative club because they will not be playing for the team again.

It's sad to exclude a child because of the parents actions but this is the only real deterrant.

Please don't give up remember why you started this and whst gives you good feeling. If you can transfer to another club or ask for some support when dealing with parents, like always being someone else there. Why should you make the sacrifice again.? You are doing a good job for the children.

Im sorry this is happening to you and I totally understand. I volunteered as a coach for 6 years and by the end, while I loved the majority of the kids and know I made a difference to them, two of the dads in my last season put the nail in the coffin and never again. I still love the sport and occasionally manage a team if needed but refuse to put up with that nonsense any more.

Don't disagree at all.

I disagree that "there is only so much the organisers can do".

The organisation needs to protect coaches, because the sport won't happen without them.

The orgsnisation needs to be 100% clear thatvan agresdive behaviour by parents means a ban, and they need to stick to it

YANBU. My friend recently gave up coaching and looks 5 years younger. Kept at it for too long for the DC and the time already put in. Parents were impossible.

In my daughters primary school, there is one teacher that doesn't play.

There was a school play/ concert being organised and a mother gave her grief that her Sarah wasn't the lead.

The teacher promptly cancelled the whole event and openly named the parent that had caused it.

There was uproar. However, it was fully supported by the Principal and it reverberated around the school and beyond.

That is some years ago but when you start in Reception it is a story that is told to parents.

The teachers do not mess about in this school!

Been in a similar situation and didn’t get support from those volunteers running the overall activity when I was doorstepped by an aggressive father. I quit, never felt that was the wrong decision. Volunteers running the overall activity were all male and they dismissed the impact of male aggression on me as it wasn’t physical (yet).

Its a hard one. I can see this from a few sides - as a parent and someone now involved in the club for that sport (Glutton for punishment).
Not all students want to learn, not all coaches want to teach/coach. Effort can lack from both parties, and I bet that the kids are telling parents that coach isn't doing xyz - whilst also not putting in much effort.
My kids sport has some completely uncoachable participants - but they are really good at the sport so that works out.

Is this the 1st time you have felt like this? Or, is it something you are feeling nearly every time you coach?

Do you need to decide if you love it enough to get over that? Or can you push to make a change that would help stop this for your and other coaches.

What rules can the club put in place to stop parents interfering - and also - have a clear grading structure, and progression pathways so that parents can be informed?

Our current sport has that with governing body, but at club/coaching level its not clear as every coach has a different approach and it is confusing to some parents. I can say that as a parent that has been through 2 coaches now because of favouritism and lack of teaching basic skills correctly (this has been checked by other coaches to confirm), so I admit that I don't blindly take a coaches word for things - but I also know my kid does it for fun, not with any aim of greatness.

But yes, some people are also just morons.

For as long as I have done sports, from being a kid to having kids, here are ALWAYS going to be pushy parents! Or parents that missed their dream and live it through their kids.
We have removed 1 kid from a sport because of other parents, and a coach, thinking 8yr old football was premier league!

Are the skills you learned in your training transferable to some other area? Can you go freelance in some way?

Pushy parents are the pits. I feel so sorry for the children.

I once watched the mother of an enormously talented young violinist pick holes in everything the poor child did from how she walked on stage to how she took her bow - in between she had played like a genius! It was very upsetting.

I think you should take your wonderful enthusiasm and motivation elsewhere.

This is what teachers have to put up with and is the reason so many get out.

YANBU.

I think you need participants to sign up to a contract with terms and conditions that include zero tolerance (as in can't use the service any more) of this type of behaviour with no refunds. At my child's football for example we are not permitted to shout from the sidelines and would be banned by the club we have signed up to if we broke this rule. Seems like someone is failing in their duty of care to those delivering the service, if you are operating under the auspices of an organisation eg the FA.