AIBU to be upset he has cut off my eldest daughter?

[GeorgeClarkefan]

I initiated a separation from my husband, the father of my youngest daughter two months ago. He has been the only father figure in my eldest daughter’s life and they had a good relationship.

He has engaged a solicitor who has now sent me a letter re: shared residency of our joint child and our house which I can stay in until our joint child goes to university (or is 19) no surprises.

I have to acknowledge however, that my eldest (other than a quarter of my assets) has no claims on any marital assets and there is also a line which says that in the event of my husband’s death my stepdaughter will not assert her rights until younger daughter goes to university (or is 19).

None of this bothers me but I am shocked and distraught that my husband never asks about eldest or includes her in any outings he has had with youngest.

When I challenged him he says he misses her but it would be too complicated to include her as the law is brutal and she could establish some rights if he continued a relationship with her, a child he has known for over eight years and who he saw more often than his eldest child. I am shocked he can walk away from her so easily.

I'm afraid he's talking complete bollocks. The law is not brutal at all on this. Unless he adopted her, she's his ex step daughter and is very unlikely to have any legal rights unless he specifically gives them to her. Which means that he's ether very stupid or is just behaving like a dick.

You could try his bluff - offer to sign something that pecifically excludes her from having any legal rights to his estate or finances?

He isn't her dad, i know you are hurt but he has his own child to.concern himself with, i would make sure your sole dd is financially taken care of,

He’s an absolute arsehole and she is better off without him. My exH doesn’t speak to our DD now either and whilst it hurts her at times she also knows being in his life would hurt more.

He’s not her dad, you’re getting to stay in the family home, and this was at your initiation. YABU.

I am a stepchild, my stepfather likes me fine but his own children are obviously preferable.

Firstly I hope your daughter is okay. It will be tough for her and she may need additional support. You say they saw each other often - how much contact did they have?

I can imagine this sort of thing being quite common when blending and unblending families. Perhaps he's protecting himself - if he has no PR then she could one day turn around and refuse to talk to him ever again, and that would be so hard.

'Children Of The Family' is taken absolutely serious by the courts. He likely would have gotten some contact with your dd if he had requested it. And age appropriate if she agreed.. . In fact it took me 4 years to keep my ex away from MY dc post divorce..

8 years is the blink of an eye in the span of her and his lifetime and it's not realistic to expect a lifelong relationship to be there after a split.

He isn’t her dad. Did she call him that - facilitated by yourself? Where is her biological father? 8 years isn’t really all that long. I’d understand if it was 15-20 years but it isn’t. He is protecting his daughter (your youngest) from her elder sister attempting to sell the home she lives in in the event of your death whilst she is still a minor. Which assuming there is a fair age gap is sensible even if it comes across as brutal

End of the day, he isn’t her dad.

He has known her for eight years and lived with her full time for seven years until two months ago.

We were in many ways a happy little unit but pressure from outside became too much. My stepdaughter was uninterested in my daughter but loved my youngest. Husband’s family didn’t fully include my eldest and it became obvious that my daughters had different paths with youngest having many material advantages ( she might of course not make the most of them).

He always felt that my daughter had a bond with youngest as they lived together as sisters whereas his eldest was at a disadvantage where youngest was involved.

When he first moved out he would come in and eldest would be all over him but then retreated to her room. Now he just appears at door and then drops youngest off and doesn’t engage at all. If they have gone somewhere and youngest has a magazine or sweets he doesn’t even send something for her.

Stepchild here, yes it’s a disgrace and a reason why I will never be a step parent or have my own children have step parents. Adult relationships causing an emotional shit show for their offspring.

It sounds like he’s doing the right thing by his oldest child by protecting their interests in the event of his death. This is a risk you knowingly took when you gave your daughter a step father who was already someone else’s father and then had another child.

Your eldest daughter isn’t his child, and in the event of a break up… there’s no real reason for any relationship to exist between them.

Most step parents are just tolerating the step children, as part of the relationship.

You made the decision to break up this unit, and this was always one of the possible outcomes. It's harsh but it's a fact.

Did you sit down with DH prior to telling the kids and discuss what contact etc would look like? Did he initially plan to have a relationship with your daughter or not?

He’s lying. He simply does not see her as his daughter.

We initially were going to tell both of them together but he ended up telling youngest on his own saying that a conversation with her ‘naturally evolved.’

Husband’s family didn’t fully include my eldest and it became obvious that my daughters had different paths with youngest having many material advantages ( she might of course not make the most of them).

Why would this surprise you? Your daughter is nothing to do with them. Why are their different paths a surprise given the only family they have in common is you?

If she’s treated as a child of the family he may have to support her financially. He obviously doesn’t want to. I think you have to let it go.

So he has 2 biological children is that correct? I think honestly you need to concentrate on your daughter he isn't going to bring her sweets or take her out, because he sees her as your child and probably did the whole time you were together.

Your step daughter gave more attention to your youngest because she is her Sister,

We each put a proportion of our income into a joint account, and we were always broke. However, he always supported my daughter without complaint but in real time I suppose I met more incidental expenses of both children as I was just there when stuff was needed, clothes etc.

His ex wife did object to this and this was the only discussion we ever had about this.

I appreciate you maybe didn’t live with her full time (and I don’t know how old she is), but how much interest and contact are you going to continue to have with your step daughter?

I think what he’s doing makes sense. Especially since his oldest child doesn’t have much of a relationship with your oldest. It’s just going to fizzle out anyway now that you are no longer a family. Are you going to be including his oldest DD in outings you do with your two dds?

I find opinions about stepparents on mumsnet brutal. No acknowledgment of the bond that can develop between a parental figure and the child of their partner WHO ALL LIVE TOGETHER. The argument that only biological parents are real parents is utter bollocks: what about all the absent fathers who want nothing to do with their children as it’s too much of an inconvenience for their lives- are they more of a parent than a stepparent who takes care of a child in their care every day? Absolutely not! What about adoptive parents? Fathers with children who are unknowingly not theirs but bring them up their entire lives? It’s as if only legal rights count and emotional bonds don’t have anything to do with relationships!!???

If a parent figure lives with and cares for a child as a stepparent then I think they have a moral responsibility to continue a relationship with the child if parents separate, if the child wants to of course. Just abandoning them as an appendage of the relationship when parents separate is heartless and cruel towards the child.