AIBU to be upset he has cut off my eldest daughter?

[GeorgeClarkefan]

I initiated a separation from my husband, the father of my youngest daughter two months ago. He has been the only father figure in my eldest daughter’s life and they had a good relationship.

He has engaged a solicitor who has now sent me a letter re: shared residency of our joint child and our house which I can stay in until our joint child goes to university (or is 19) no surprises.

I have to acknowledge however, that my eldest (other than a quarter of my assets) has no claims on any marital assets and there is also a line which says that in the event of my husband’s death my stepdaughter will not assert her rights until younger daughter goes to university (or is 19).

None of this bothers me but I am shocked and distraught that my husband never asks about eldest or includes her in any outings he has had with youngest.

When I challenged him he says he misses her but it would be too complicated to include her as the law is brutal and she could establish some rights if he continued a relationship with her, a child he has known for over eight years and who he saw more often than his eldest child. I am shocked he can walk away from her so easily.

I think this is sad but inevitable. They aren't actually related and he probably thinks he should pull back to have the same relationship with your daughter as you have with his daughter. You share a child, yes, but that doesn't mean you have to spend time with each other's family. You sound like you really dislike his daughter so maybe he just wants to focus on his own children and stop forcing a family relationship that never quite worked out.

OP - So you weren't leaving anything to SD and Ex isn't leaving anything to his SD? I don't see the issue?

You said that you were generally a happy unit, is this true or is this what you told yourself?

In the kindest way, you put your eldest daughter in a terrible position. Presumably this family NEVER fully embraced her (as is their right) but if you weren't happy with this you should have walked away.

Now your eldest has a lifetime of seeing her younger sister lead a completely different life to her due to choices you made.

It's done now, but to be honest you need to focus on your DD's esp your eldest and make sure her self-esteem, confidence isn't hit by being treated like a 2nd class citizen. The road ahead won't be easy for her.

I have never been jealous of SD. I wanted her as part of our family and said so in my wedding toast.

I have never expected money to be spent on my daughter it have always expected them to be nice to her, which for the most part they have been.

I have never stopped my youngest from her family but like everyone I know would visit as a family but it emerged that they couldn’t understand why my eldest was also there so my MiL who I supported when FiL died, couldn’t relax with her grandchildren like her own sister can.

I will never forget his sister as grief stricken as she was ask me to leave with eldest while grabbing my youngest saying she could stay. FiL had been dead five hours when that hayso I couldn’t respond. I had to leave my husband and younger daughter there sobbing.

This makes a lot of sense. You cannot force people to accept your eldest. Now my family, they don't belive in stepchildren or half siblings and treat them all identical. But not everyone does this. You really put your daughter in a terrible situation trying to force something and it probably has hurt her. You had good intentions but please don't do this in the future. If someone does not accept your children they are not for you.

I thought he totally accepted her. Pressure came from extended family.

in our house we were happy.

But you weren't? You were shoved out of a funeral with your older child and there was all sorts of resentment and you didn't have your stepdaughter as part of the family so it was always incomplete and awkward.

I'm sorry you're hurt, it's really sad. But you can't force a relationship and it seems obvious your ex is moving on without you and your daughter. Your only job now is to support your daughter in her feelings and make sure she knows you aren't going anywhere.

But you said your step daughter didn't have time for you and your daughter?

Your DH saw SD all the time but you didn't - was she banned from the house? Didn't like to visit because you were there?

Either way I am sorry OP, but no, it wasn't a happy house. Not all of the members were happy.

I do feel it for you, this is horrible, but the signs were there and ignored.

Hard to know in blended families what to do for the best.

My parents treated Dsis DP eldest as another GC - when they split never saw him again and even half sibling - Dsis youngest rarely see him. Her eldest never gets to see her half siblings either - though her Dad - once her dad split from their mum.

I do know step parents who are essential parents treat step kids as theirs some even post splits.

If there were indication he saw her as just your child rather than anything to do with him- as did his family - well probably always going to mean little to no contact with your eldest post split with you.

It's unpleasnt for your eldest- but it's not uncommon -there are men who seem happy to walk away from their own kids completely -so can hardly be a huge surprise a step parents walks away.

Well you can’t have been as you left him?! I don’t agree with his decision but I think it’s necessarily wrong. Other people seem to think this is normal

Ah, it’s this OP again, with a name change. I thought this sounded very familiar.

It’s totally right that the father now prioritises his eldest daughter, who by all accounts seems to have been shut out, her father living with his new family, and her hardly getting a look-in with her newer half-sister.

Yeah it's the op with the wedding drama regarding the husband's SD not being as included.

Only if it was going your way. You have higher standard of your ex, than you have of yourself. You expect your ex’s family to treat your dd as one of their own. Why? You and he chose to blend families, as long as they are kind, they don’t have to treat your dd like their grandchild.
Added to that your hypocritical attitude towards your step daughter, well I’m
nor surprised he’s had enough.

Why did you expect all three children to be be treated the same, when you don’t lead by example.

I have NOT name changed.

I remember a lot of your threads. Its time to focus on your eldest, your expectations of in-laws were way beyond what they were willing to provide. And now your ex is stepping back, I really feel for your eldest.

I'ts down to you (and if I remember right, your mum too) to make your eldest feel special, have fun experiences and treats.
I also think you should work on building savings for your daughter to at least go some way to levelling your two daughters futures.

Just out of interest OP, will you be continuing to maintain a relationship with his eldest daughter?

Ahhh OP I really feel for you & your DD big hugs to you both.
Tbh I don't get or agree with any of this or most of PP. Yes she isn't his biological daughter but 8 years IS a long time and certainly to a child who is also navigating her family being split into 2 whilst now dealing with the man she seen as a father figure rejecting her. I'm a stepmum and I could never do this to my DSD if anything was to happen with me and DH tbh she would likely stay with me over him (she lives FT with us) 😂and also for the record any marital assets would also be split equally between the 3 kids. Granted there is only DSD who we haven't have together and ours/her circs are that we are the only parents she has but it wouldn't make a difference to me either way. I have 3 DC and they are all treated the same and always will be.

Oh now just read more of the thread..... seems there has been alot of background left out of this post by OP.
Very sad as there's innocent children involved and this will likely lead to further resentment in many years to come between them. The whole situation sounds toxic from the start.

I totally wanted a relationship with my stepdaughter but she wasn’t interested.

I think you always love your own children more but in day to day life you treat them the same.

When your eldest child naturally gravitates towards your younger child at a funeral you would never expect younger child’s older cousin to ask them to go back to me.

When we were first together FiL was still alive and then died suddenly and MiL was grieving which she kind of came out of after two years and then started flashing cash which she had every right to do but you have no idea the battle there is between your brain and your heart when one of your child is treated and your other isn’t .

It never occurred to me that my stepdaughter would be at my in-laws when we dropped in. Never occurred to me that husband’s niece would invite my three three year old on the basis of DNA to her party and not my eldest who is her age.

Anyway I have to get on with life.

There is a difference between accepting a stepdaughter during the marriage and continuing a relationship after a divorce initiated by you. Especially when his family doesn't see her as his. I think you're YABU. I wouldn't be that surprised.

“I have never expected money to be spent on my daughter”

except you have because you then go on to talk about the MIL “flashing the cash”

so which is it? You and your husband chose to blend families. Your in laws didn’t.

I can’t imagine my SD would have any interest in having a relationship with me although she is always pleasant to me. I am sure I will see her at youngest’s landmarks.

What I would never do is ask her out without my own daughter.

I wanted us to be one unit she wasn’t interested and all of her first and second cousins showed no interest in my eldest.

Exactly, and rarely considered when blending and unblending families because adults 'have a right to happiness' with a new partner and a 'right to happiness' by getting rid of a partner who isn't perfect to find another one.

And all those saying 8 years isn't that long in a child's life through their childhood are just in denial. It's a huge length of time during their informative years and these events shape them for life.

But, as OP is finding out, you might have thought your partner loves your children as you do, but when you split with them they invariably split with your children too. And your children learn to become less emotionally involved or vulnerable as a result, to protect themselves, which carries into adult life.

I think you excluded your step daughter, and treated your mil like a cash cow, and when that cash only landed on her bio grand children you kicked off, you didnt just want them to love your child you wanted them to pay for your child too. You could have paid for your dd’s ‘pony lessons’ but chose not too, but expected someone else too.
This has all been about money

What I would never do is ask her out without my own daughter.

and yet you expected you ex dh to leave his dd out to go out with your dd’s, you only wanted a family unit when it suited you.

He did accept her.

Now that your marriage is in its final stages, he's pulling away because she's not his daughter and he's not going to do anything that messes with his kids' inheiritance.

You knew this was coming, why are you complaining? You initiated the split.

usererror99

I accept there are inherent contradictions to what I am feeling. Logically MiL is not related and is able to spend her money as she chooses but I would never ever be able to leave out a child.

I probably am in favour of a constitutional monarchy but I don’t have interest in the HELLO type threads but when I saw Georgina Sperling being treated as an equal by the most prestigious family in the land but my in-laws couldn’t bring themselves to do this.

Now her own stepdad just won’t see her again as it’s all too complicated.