AIBU to be upset he has cut off my eldest daughter?

[GeorgeClarkefan]

I initiated a separation from my husband, the father of my youngest daughter two months ago. He has been the only father figure in my eldest daughter’s life and they had a good relationship.

He has engaged a solicitor who has now sent me a letter re: shared residency of our joint child and our house which I can stay in until our joint child goes to university (or is 19) no surprises.

I have to acknowledge however, that my eldest (other than a quarter of my assets) has no claims on any marital assets and there is also a line which says that in the event of my husband’s death my stepdaughter will not assert her rights until younger daughter goes to university (or is 19).

None of this bothers me but I am shocked and distraught that my husband never asks about eldest or includes her in any outings he has had with youngest.

When I challenged him he says he misses her but it would be too complicated to include her as the law is brutal and she could establish some rights if he continued a relationship with her, a child he has known for over eight years and who he saw more often than his eldest child. I am shocked he can walk away from her so easily.

The thing is the OP has had a lot of threads complaining about this family excluding her daughter.

It’s great your family treat foster children the same, it’s how it should be.

but this family excluded OP DD from day one and she ignored it and didn’t protect her child - it’s a very close knit family, I would have had to have walked away.

even here she was said it was a happy unit even though her SD clearly wasn’t a part of that and her DH had a foot in both camps.

Thats not a happy unit.

Same her. I won the stepdad lottery, but it's still not enough to inspire me becoming a step-parent, or subjecting my daughter to one.

I'm so sorry @GeorgeClarkefan . His behaviour is quite mean.

You're not being unreasonable, and I think it's worth separating two different things your husband has bundled together: the legal advice he's been given, and the choice he's made about contact.
It's true that family courts can, in some circumstances, recognise someone who has acted as a parent to a child, even without a biological or legal tie, as having stepped into a "psychological parent" role, and this can occasionally become relevant in disputes over residency or contact. So there's a kernel of real legal logic behind his solicitor flagging it. But that's quite different from what's actually happened here, which is a complete stop in contact and not even asking how she is, after eight years of being the only father figure she's known. A lawyer might reasonably advise being cautious about, say, formally extending himself as parent again or volunteering for ongoing arrangements that could later be argued as creating responsibility. That's a long way from cutting off all warmth, mention, or inclusion, which sounds less like legal necessity and more like he's decided the cleanest way to protect himself is to disengage entirely, and is using the legal complexity as the explanation because it's easier than saying that out loud.
It's also worth holding onto the fact that your eldest didn't choose any of this, and from her side, a man who's effectively been a dad for most of her life has just disappeared with no acknowledgement, while her little sister still sees him. Whatever the legal reasoning, the emotional impact on her is real, and your distress on her behalf seems entirely proportionate, not an overreaction.
If you haven't already, it might be worth raising with your own solicitor whether there's actually a meaningful legal risk in him having ordinary, low-key contact with your eldest, like a birthday card, the occasional message, versus what may just be a defensive overcorrection on his part. It may turn out the law gives him far more room than he's claiming, and that distinction matters both for your daughter's sake and for understanding how much of this is necessity versus choice.

I wasn’t aware I hadn’t answered questions about my daughter’s father. He left us when she was 9 months old having neglected to pay our mortgage for 6 months. Took her to a cousin’s christening and returned her to me at door and I haven’t seen him since apart from the top of the 22 as I exited Green Park, I went to next stop thinking he would get off to see his child but he didn’t.

I actually think my stepdaughter does like me but doesn’t particularly see me as family. In my numerous posts, I have only counted two plus two about completely other matters I have never been snide about her.

As for my eldest ‘horning in’ I assume you mean sitting in her own back room wanting to watch a film in her own house.

I just find some posters so 'concerned' about the OP's daughter whilst ignoring the other stepdaughter, the OP's step daughter that she has nothing to do with. That appears to be ok with these posters because this stepdaughter is the wrong side of the OP's family. It seems some step children have more rights than others.

Another countless example of why blended families are more damaging except for the selfish adults who want that

Don’t be so glib. Relationships are far more nuanced than that. His behaviour and choices will cause a great deal of emotional harm to the blameless child in this situation.

I think this is an issue with blended families. Stepchildren are accepted as they are an ancillary person to the parent but when the relationship ends with the parent so does the one with the stepchild.

I have been both the stepchild who was swiftly cut off from seeing a stepparent as my mother had someone new waiting in the wings and the stepchild who continued seeing a stepfather for a bit. These things tend to fizzle out over time.

It’s nothing to do with opinions on step parents, this particular step parent doesn’t want a relationship with his stepchild that’s what we’re commenting on

Better now than later. He isn’t her father, she doesn’t call him dad. Even though her father is not on the scene. And he’s been there since she was an infant. She’s her mother’s husband, now ex husband. And he’s doesn’t want to maintain a father daughter relationship with a child who is not his.

the op just needs to explain it. That they have split up. And he’s will maintain with his own child as she’s so little. She then needs to deal with the real issue, the non existent real father,

But this is key to ops thought process “why should step daughter be here?! She’s the old family, we’re here now, she’s not needed!”

"Naturally evolved." I bet it did - as things tend to when that's the way you want to do it.

Op you are not at all unreasonable to be hurt by this,. She is your DD and it is completely natural for you to feel hurt on her behalf.

Nonetheless, I think it is more common than not for things to play out this way in the event of a split.

I am always surprised how many people don't seem to grasp how incredibly rare are the stepparents who really care deeply for their stepchildren. It is one reason I cannot understand how willingly people blend families.

Just be glad he isn't in her life letting her develop any deeper attachment.

Well it is 🤷.
If he goes on a family day out, there'd be his new partner (when he gets one) and any DC his new partner has, your shared youngest DD, his eldest DD - and if he includes your eldest DD too, that's a child belonging to his XW who his eldest DD doesn't get along with and who his new partner and her DC have no interest in or attachment to either. It doesn't work. Your eldest DD isn't his DD, so that's where the dividing line goes, she's on one side of that line with you and he's on the other side of that line with his DC (when his youngest isn't with you).

YABU about DSD. She's never lived with you so she's had no need to form relationships with your or your DC. She's attached to your younger DD because she's her sister. It's pretty simple from her perspective.

My sibling has a stepchild. A spoiled brat enabled by their parent, who doesn't treat my sibling with basic respect. I DGAF about this child, they're not my family. My siblings DC from this marriage and the previous relationship are my family, we share DNA, I've been part of their life from the beginning. When I ask my sibling about the DC, it's those two I'm asking about. I'd feel warmer towards the stepchild if they were a nicer person and if they were willing to engage with wider family get-togetgers, but my sibling's partner and stepchild have always chosen to absent themselves. They've been married for years. I've met the partner and stepchild only three times and one of those was the wedding. Why would I be inviting this stepchild, who is nothing to do with me, on a day out? Why would I be gifting them anything? It would be awkward and feel complicated.

YABU. He's not going to be bringing her sweets and magazines etc because he's made it clear to you that he's not interested in maintaining a relationship with your eldest DD. He's not coming in because it's clear to him that you haven't explained to your eldest what splitting up actually means for the family dynamics and her place in things. Instead of being a parent and helping her navigate the situation which you brought about, you're letting her get hurt by trying to continue a relationship with him and being rejected and setting up a situation where you're blaming him for that and probably hoping that she does the same.

He's doing what people who are single do, putting his DC and himself first. Which is natural and normal.

You broke up your marriage because you didn't like the inequality between your DDs. Fine. But you surely can't have been mad enough to think a split would improve the inequality?! It was only ever going to make the division worse and cement the fact your eldest DD isn't part of your XH's family.

What did you actually expect from divorce? Your ex already has two DC from failed relationships to financially support, I can totally understand he doesn't want to voluntarily take on a third DC he has no legal responsibility for. I'm sure he wants some of his earnings to go towards his new relationship when he gets one and any subsequent DC he has. Your DD is your legal responsibility. He's right, it's far to complicated trying to maintain a relationship with your DD whilst ensuring there's no legal responsibility placed upon him to financially support her.

Blended families are incredibly difficult.

It’s sad that he doesn’t want a relationship with her and I don’t know why he can’t have a small relationship with her but he doesn’t have to.

He sounds like a great dad and a pretty good guy overall.

It has only been a couple of months, so chances are he’s just laying the boundaries now and will relax it in the future.

These things are as complicated/easy as people want them to be.
Is your older daughter's father in her life? I'm assuming not as you say ex has been a father figure to her.
Also the age of your oldest is relevant. Did your ex come into her life when she was a toddler, or much later?
If there is no birth father involved, and your daughter was very small, I would have hoped the wider family would have embraced her as an equal, blood or not, and that relationship would have continued post split.
Unfortunately it would seem they never saw her in that light, and therefore expecting better of them now is unreasonable.
As upsetting as it is, that is a choice they have every right to make. I think all you can do is make sure that when the youngest is with her Dad, you do special things with the oldest that maybe you couldn't do with both. Ultimately you can only control your own actions.

I find this really sad. Your poor dd watching her sister and half sister go on days out with the man who she once saw as her dad, and being excluded

I feel sad that anyone would treat a child like that.

Regardless of any back story, the immediate issue is a little girl, who is seeing the break up of what she considered her family for years, and is now cut off, hearing her sister excitedly talk about plans with her dad.

One of my friends as a teenager had a step-dad do this to her. He'd been in her life since she was 2 and he was the only dad she had, she was distraught. I'll never understand how step-parents can be so cruel in separations and just completely cut a child out of their life.

Yes this is hard but the op will need to ensure she sets up special things for her to do during those days. She will adjust.

You wanted a happy blended family where all the children got on and were treated equally by both sides of the family. This is the image/fantasy that you wanted but the reality has been very different.

Your in-laws are happy to have a relationship with your step-daughter and your youngest, because they are their grandchildren. They aren't in the least bit interested in your eldest daughter... polite, give presents at birthday/Christmas but that's as far as they wish to go. You can't force them to have a relationship with her, rightly or wrongly, that's not your choice to make.

You wouldn't allow your youngest and your step-daughter to spend time together without your eldest, and this has caused friction between your husband and you, as well as your step-daughter.

You are obsessed with everything being split 'fairly', and everyone being equal but that's never been the case since day one. It must have been obvious to you that your in-laws weren't going to treat your daughter as part of their family. You must have realised that this would cause issues? Having a child with your husband, has made those differences even more glaringly obvious.

It's no one's fault that your eldest has a deadbeat as a Dad, who doesn't see her and she has no contact with his family. It's circumstances that are out of anyone's control.

You've split from your husband, and you're still wanting everything equal with regards to the children!! It wasn't in marriage, it's not going to be in divorce! Your husband's obligation is to your step-daughter and youngest, not to your eldest. He's legally protecting his daughter's, and there's nothing wrong in that. I think he's stepped back, because if he continued contact with your eldest, your obsession with equality would never stop.

You should have never continued in the relationship, as soon as you realised your expectations weren't going to be met. It would have saved your eldest daughter an awful lot of heartache.

Well, it’s her half-sister and step-sister.

Why did you end the marriage out of interest?

None of this bothers me but I am shocked and distraught that my husband never asks about eldest or includes her in any outings he has had with youngest.

so if “none” of the financials bother you, why do you open your OP with a very detailed outline of supposedly what doesn’t bother you?

I completely agree with this. I’m shocked at some of the responses on this thread.

As @Sassylovesbooks says this is the crux of the matter You wouldn't allow your youngest and your step-daughter to spend time together without your eldest, and this has caused friction between your husband and you, as well as your step-daughter.
yet you had no issues with your daughters spending time together without sd, and were a bit “meh…sd doesn’t really like coming here” re why sd saw her dad and youngest at inlaws

I’m sorry that your eldest daughter has lost the father figure in her life, but if you’re the OP who had a MIL that wanted to pay for the expensive hobby for the youngest and your eldest step daughter, but not your child, the dynamics were always going to end up this way because you wanted your child to be treated exactly the same as the biological Grandchildren and for whatever reason the Grandparents were unable to and your DH wouldn’t disagree with his family.
Rightly or wrongly you decided to end the relationship because you felt your daughter was being treated as a second class citizen in comparison to her younger sibling.
Im not at all surprised that he’s cut contact with your eldest, he was always in the middle of 2 sides constantly disagreeing, and he now wishes an easy life.