AIBU to be upset he has cut off my eldest daughter?

[GeorgeClarkefan]

I initiated a separation from my husband, the father of my youngest daughter two months ago. He has been the only father figure in my eldest daughter’s life and they had a good relationship.

He has engaged a solicitor who has now sent me a letter re: shared residency of our joint child and our house which I can stay in until our joint child goes to university (or is 19) no surprises.

I have to acknowledge however, that my eldest (other than a quarter of my assets) has no claims on any marital assets and there is also a line which says that in the event of my husband’s death my stepdaughter will not assert her rights until younger daughter goes to university (or is 19).

None of this bothers me but I am shocked and distraught that my husband never asks about eldest or includes her in any outings he has had with youngest.

When I challenged him he says he misses her but it would be too complicated to include her as the law is brutal and she could establish some rights if he continued a relationship with her, a child he has known for over eight years and who he saw more often than his eldest child. I am shocked he can walk away from her so easily.

Your husband supported your own child because she is an extension of you I think, so because you had at 1 point a nice loving marraige, he wasn't going to rock the boat by not buying his step daughter things and causing ructions at home.

How old is your oldest child? It is sad that he can play happy families with her for eight years, and then just drop her.

My youngest is half-sibling to both my eldest and his eldest but has only ever lived with my eldest.

I have never lived with his eldest and she hasn’t been remotely interested in me or my eldest.

My husband however, lived with my eldest full time and had a close relationship with her. Now he feels he can’t continue a relationship with her as it’s ’too complicated.’

There's no nice way of saying this but I think you were very naive to bring him into her life and believe in the family dream.

That doesnt meant that im not really really sorry amd empathetic for all the heartbreak on all sides.

But the man you marry in not the man you divorce. You need to set it aside and act in your daughters best interests going forward, and that means recognising that they now have two very different lives and futures and you need to support them in coping because you can't, and shouldn't pursue, changing his mind.

Were you planning on leaving any assets to your step daughter?

Have you seen/asked about her since the split?

Are you sure DH isn't mirroring your actions?

Were you actually married btw?

And I'm sorry for all this, my stepdad bought me up from 2 and is very loving. I don't think he would behave like this, but at the end of the day he would be within his right as I am not his daughter.

Well it sounds like he had very little to do with his firstborn .... so it's hardly surprising he has dropped your DD.

This is the crux of it. If you are poster I think you are, you were a very divided family when you were together. Your ex’s family didn’t see your oldest as a part of their family, neither did his oldest child. You tried to insert your dd whenever they spent time with your youngest and it was never received well. You have pushed and pushed for them to accept your dd as one if their own which has only widened the gap. Now your exh is finally in a position where he can choose to not be in the middle of this conflict so it’s unsurprising that he has gone with that option.

I think I've read some of your previous threads OP, and to be totally honest I think that this situation is another symptom of some unrealistic and naive expectations that you've had for a long time regarding your eldest daughter's place within your in-laws' family. The bottom line is that whatever your preferences may be, you cannot compel other people to feel or act the way you want them to, and having made the choices you did at the outset of your relationship with your now-ex husband, all you can do is navigate the consequences of them as best you can.

When we bought the house we made a will his half went to his two children and my half to my two children. DD1 - quarter SD a quarter and DD2 -half . So no I wasn’t going to leave SD anything but would have split heirlooms between DD2 and her.

I would have done my best in the God forbid, event of my husband’s death to facilitate a continuing relationship between his two daughters but I would also not have left out my eldest daughter in trips etc.

My relationship with SD was not the same as with my husband’s relationship with mine with whom he lived for nearly 8 years.

My youngest daughter is already talking about new bedrooms for her and her eldest half-sibling and shoes have been bought for the Dolomites this year. He goes with his cousins, his second nephews and nieces and his daughter every year. My Eldest was never invited and I would not allow youngest to go as I thought she was too young. Seems she is going this year.

Did you write a post recently about the youngest’s Nan getting her pony lessons but you couldn’t afford the same privilege for your eldest?

FrenchandSaunders

He worships his eldest daughter and sees her all the time… usually at the expense of time with us.

You don't trust your husband enough to stay with him but you trust him enough to provide free childcare for a child that's not his? Even though he doesn't see his own eldest from a previous relationship? Why would you want your eldest spending time with a man who is not her father and who has another child he doesn't see?

This isn't about your husbands relationship with your eldest. This is about when your youngest goes to your husband you're hoping he'll take the eldest as well so you have free time to yourself. Tough luck. That's the downside of having multiple children with multiple partners OP.

Bottom line is you left your husband. Anyone in his shoes will be looking after his own best interests first and foremost, which is what he's doing, and which doesn't include caring for DC he has no legal obligation towards.

BackTo2000

Everyone assumed pony lessons; I never said.

I remember your previous threads. This was inevitable. You married your husband knowing his daughter wasn’t interested in yours, and that his family didn’t and wouldn’t see your daughter as their own. Hell, you also knew that he didn’t and doesn’t consider her his daughter either. He was kind to her and included her as a child of his wife.

You couldn’t force the relationships you wanted your eldest to have while you were married, and you aren’t going to be able to force it now.

I think its very sad.

That said, if you viewed him as a father to your eldest, did you ever discuss adoption with him? We're you prepared to give him equal rights as well as equal responsibilities.

He sees his eldest all the bloody time. Why are people getting the idea he doesn’t?

She wasn’t and isn’t his child. I’m going to be flamed for his but you can try and love a step child as much as you want but there is a deep biological difference between having your own child and caring for someone else’s and that can’t be forced or faked.

I think because you said she didn’t stay with you much.

"it would be too complicated to include her as the law is brutal and she could establish some rights if he continued a relationship with her, a child he has known for over eight years and who he saw more often than his eldest child. I am shocked he can walk away from her so easily."

This reads as husband sees your eldest more often than his eldest child. Seeing as your joint child is younger than your eldest this reads as he has another child. It reads like you both have a child from a previous relationship and then a joint one.

It's really sad but I think this is common when a relationship ends.

So you split since the last post. As harsh as it sounds ‘you came as a package, you go as a package’. It’s terribly sad for your eldest to suffer this way. She’s been left out by his family for a long time and now he has joined them. He doesn’t want to hear about her being left out - it’s not his problem anymore.

They are all awful and you need to accept that. When the youngest goes out with dad, try and do something nice for your eldest. Watch a movie with popcorn, long walk in the woods, paint nails etc.. don’t talk about how she isn’t included, make her feel included in your life! Just have fun together.

You don't get leave someone for the things you didn't like about them and still get to keep the things you loved about them. In short you don't get to have your cake and eat it.

It is, you have significant jealousy of step dd and actively stopped youngest for having time with her half sister and paternal relatives as they didn’t prioritise your eldest daughter?

No they haven’t “left her out” by ops own omission, they were kind and bought gifts, but not enough and didn’t spend enough of their money on her.

Exactly. Yet another happy blended family story.