AIBU to be upset he has cut off my eldest daughter?

[GeorgeClarkefan]

I initiated a separation from my husband, the father of my youngest daughter two months ago. He has been the only father figure in my eldest daughter’s life and they had a good relationship.

He has engaged a solicitor who has now sent me a letter re: shared residency of our joint child and our house which I can stay in until our joint child goes to university (or is 19) no surprises.

I have to acknowledge however, that my eldest (other than a quarter of my assets) has no claims on any marital assets and there is also a line which says that in the event of my husband’s death my stepdaughter will not assert her rights until younger daughter goes to university (or is 19).

None of this bothers me but I am shocked and distraught that my husband never asks about eldest or includes her in any outings he has had with youngest.

When I challenged him he says he misses her but it would be too complicated to include her as the law is brutal and she could establish some rights if he continued a relationship with her, a child he has known for over eight years and who he saw more often than his eldest child. I am shocked he can walk away from her so easily.

How bizarre for him to either think this about the law or to make it up?!

He has no relation to her whatsoever. Any contact would be consensual from her side only and not bound in any kind of law. He's not a blood relative or a parent and he never was.

If he means he thinks it'll be awkward for him to financially support one but not the other while being close to both then that doesn't need to be an issue.

They weee never obliged to be interested in your eldest, or you, but because you chose to live with her father, you were obliged to be interested in her. You seem offended that your DSD didn’t want to be friends with the child she was being gives to shared her father with, but you don’t seem to acknowledge her difficulties with the situation.

The thing is she’s not his kid, and he’s ensuring his kids are protected. I know it’s hard. Has she contact with her actual father?

I think it’d better to be honest. That he makes the cut now rather than later and he is housing her by default till she’s in her twenties if she wishes to live there.

He did, as your daughter and his stepchild. I believe you’ve said previously that she’s never called him dad, and is well aware that she has a different relationship with him than the one he shares with his actual children. He also wouldn’t have been interested in adopting her.

The pressure was from you. You knew what you were getting when you married him, and yet refused to accept it despite repeatedly being told no. What did you expect to happen, but this?

is her actual dad on the scene op?

I understand that you wanted to be 1 unit.

Your SD didn't want this.

Your DH wasn't fussed (or would have done more to create this, but tbh, I would have also put my DD feelings first).

YOU didn't put your child's feelings first and exposed her to being treated as a second citizen, you should have been gone the first time they excluded her and definitely not then had a child which will have further highlighted the differences.

I am a SD, my step family embraced me but even from a young age I was aware that they didn't have to and it might not always be that way.

I cannot explain how much I feel for your daughter. You need to focus more on her and less on what's happened. You laso need to watch out for the relationship between your daughters. It sounds like 1 will be (nicely) spoilt, family events etc that exclude her sister. This doesn't abode well.

And he is full of crap saying it's too complicated to maintain a relationship with his step daughter. Maintaining a relationship isn't the same as leaving her his assets which he can perfectly legally protect for his bio children. Maintaining a relationship is making time for her, having a chat when he drops her sister off, inviting her to events with the other children, listening to her problems, remembering her birthday, giving her a lift, buying her a concert ticket on his credit card, helping her chose a prsent for your birthday, etc. Nothing complicated about any of that if he wanted to do it.
Why are people so horrible to people they are close to.

@Goatsarebest In all honesty it sounds as if the DH was close to the SD in the OP's eyes...

I think OP saw what she wanted to hence why this has surprised her a bit.

I remember this story. I think the OP got pregnant accidentally. The now husband did not want to marry but the OP's mother, his MIL, insisted they marry. It never worked out. The OP fell out with her in- laws and her step daughter was excluded. The OP was set on making her own nuclear family with her own daughter (not her step daughter) and the joint daughter. Her husband was unhappy from the start if I remember.

I think posters need to read all the previous threads.

That's true and it has been pointed out on several threads by loads of posters for a long time!

OP, after all your numerous threads where it was clear they didn’t really want any kind of relationship with your child (of equal stature to your joint DD), and that your eldest child found it all really difficult and you had massive arguments with DH and his family; it’s really quite strange that you’re surprised by how it’s turned out after you initiated a split.

A clean break is probably for the best.

Wow what a shocking load of comments

There is a child here who has known this man as a parent carer..and who presumably loved him deeply. This will be deeply traumatic for her.

For her it will feel like a parent choosing her sibling and forgetting her.

Im sorry op it's appalling but I am really sorry

You dont deserve the cold comments you are getting here

It never occurred to you that your SD would be at her grandparents’ house when you dropped in? Her grandparents trumps your in-laws as a relationship. Seems to me that your SD family did everything they could to ensure their grandchild got to see her younger half-sister, given she spent so little time at yours.

Your youngest couldn't spend time with her oldest sister without your eldest daughter horning in. I remember you got mad because your SD said something.

He's avoiding those situations now. He's been kind to her and helped support her and is housing her, but he's not her dad and he's not going to pretend to meet your expectations anymore. She's not getting money from him or his family. He's parenting his two and that's that. You need to adjust your expectations.

You've had double standards all along for him and his parents with regards to your eldest, yet you didn't expect you and your mom to live by those same standards when it came to his eldest. You still do. It's like you have blinders on and only see what you want to see. That mindset has served you really poorly and maybe you should think about getting some therapy.

There are 3 children involved, which I think has been the problem all
along. OP has only ever been interested in 2.

Maybe to you he isn’t but maybe to his step daughter he is her father and the only father she’s only ever known.

My in-laws were always very nice to both of us and to this day I have not fallen out with them, not that I have seen them since February half -term.

I have never, never excluded my stepdaughter and neither has my family.

It’s true my husband didn’t want to marry but my mother quite rightly thought it would be unfair on my youngest and persuaded us. I don’t think his initial reluctance is a reflection on what he thought of me.

I don’t want him to have my eldest 50:50 but to still see her and acknowledge her.

And that’s fine, he’s said no. She’s not his kid. You need to Accept this

again, what about her actual father?

I 100% agree with this. There are a lot of really cold "mothers" on here. 8yrs is a long time to be in a childs life. Any child that comes into mine and dps wider family are treated exactly the same.
We have a foster child who we love so so much, they are treated the same as bio.
I absolutely abhor the "blood" brigade with a passion.
Disgusting human beings imo

When your eldest child naturally gravitates towards your younger child at a funeral you would never expect younger child’s older cousin to ask them to go back to me.

She was with the family party. Your daughter wasn't a part of that, you knew that, and you should have kept her with you.

It never occurred to me that my stepdaughter would be at my in-laws when we dropped in. Never occurred to me that husband’s niece would invite my three three year old on the basis of DNA to her party and not my eldest who is her age.

You knew she wasn't interested in being friends with your daughter but was interested in spending time with her little sister. Why would you expect her to be invited? You got in the way of the bio sibling relationship on your daughter's behalf and I think that's why your STBX is going to be keeping his distance.

You knew his family did not see her as family. But you persisted in trying to make her a part of it and if it didn't happen, you brought the drama and got upset, like with the activity that you couldn't even pay for.

Op I suspect there is a reason you don’t want to answer questions on her actual father, as it will make you look even more unreasonable?

I'm not sure of the backstory here although many posters allude to one.

Taking this situation at face value I would be upset too. Relationships do develop over time. One of the reasons I don't completely hate my ex and father of my youngest child is how he and his family continued to treat my eldest with love, care and genuine interest in her wellbeing. Despite her having her own father who was and still is active in her life. Even now, 22 years on from the split they still maintain a relationship and my ex is grandpops to my eldests child.

OP, you always dismiss your step daughter with snide, put down comments. Yet, your plea is constantly about the unfair treatment by your ex husband to his step daughter. Anyone who hasn't read the previous threads might be sucked into how unfair your husband and his family have been. You are mighty protective of your own biological children. Why do you think your step daughter doesn't like you?

This. Those previous threads are hard to read but but out reading them you do not get the full picture. I feel so badly for the eldest daughter she was put in such awkward situations and I feel so badly for the step daughter as well.