Husband calls me names

[namecalling123]

I just hoovered the outdoor rug, not realising it was wet. So the handheld hoover now has water in it. Husband sees this and gets angry, because it'll now need taking apart and cleaning.

Lots of shouting at me, saying I've done this before, and don't I remember, and then I was called a Fucking Mungo, and Fucking Retard and a Fucking Spazmoid. Lots of slamming about when he cleans it. And he was shaking with anger.

AIBU that the name calling is wrong? He has since apologised, but I don't think we should be name calling at all. A few weeks ago was raged at for a good 15 mins and called a stupid Cunt because I wanted to take 2 cars somewhere (won't bore you with the details).

He says he was angry today, because I had a go at him last night for burning the dinner (which I did).

It doesn't sound like a happy marriage. Do you even like each other?

He says he loves me, but at this point I'm not sure that's true.

He’s an abusive bully

But you continue to put up with it - if you want advice on how to leave the Relationships Board between them know virtually everything

As well as calling you names, the names he calls you are utterly disgusting.
Do you have children? He has anger issues. Does it escalate? Are you safe? Could you leave?

The name calling was beyond wrong.

He shouldn't have to clean it if it was your mistake.

It’s not an average couple fight - that’s abusive. You need to leave him. He doesn’t love you

That's not remotely normal.

He's a horrible abusive piece of shit. This is really, really not a healthy relationship.

Also, his insults of choice are really vile ableist slurs that would be disgusting to use in any context.

His behaviour and his words are disgusting. No this is not normal, it is abusive.

He does not love you, he says that to manipulate you and keep you engaged in the relationship, because you hope that he will change.

He won't, you will need to make any change you want to see by removing yourself from the relationship.

His treatment of you is absolutely disgusting and there is no excuse at all.
You having a go at him for burning dinner, also seems uncalled for.
If it was me I would be out of there, neither of you can be happy and if you have children they don't want to be growing up in a house like that.

Divorce

He's an abusive violent bully (shouting IS violence, its a means of control)

Leave him, get a divorce and a happy peaceful life.

Fucking Mungo, and Fucking Retard and a Fucking Spazmoid

Is he ok?

Doesn't sound like any sort of partnership OP, it seems like you barely tolerate each other. Being called a cunt would be a line completely crossed for me.

I agree with @Keepoffmyartichokes.
I just hope you don't have DC because that language and the attitude it reveals is just horrendous.

And yes it's abuse. No one should talk to another human being like that and the fact he thinks it's ok to talk to you like that shows how little he respects you or even likes you.

Of course it's not true!

Why are you with someone who calls you names?

I have children but they left home years ago. We are mid 50’s. Sadly I grew up in a household where this was the norm, and I hate it. He knows this.

I wouldn’t stay in the same room as somebody who spoke that way, to anyone, let alone be married to them.

You aren’t too old to leave this piece of shit and set up home in your own lovely safe space.

Have you anywhere you can go?
I think you need to contact a domestic abuse charity for help.

He is a total horror.

Please know this is not normal and doesn't have to be your reality.

You poor woman.

Sorry OP that’s really awful - as a grown adult he should be able to have an argument without name calling and abuse. We all lose our cool from time to time, but what he’s doing is really not ok.

As others have posted, if you do have kids this is an awful example to be setting, and I wouldn’t be able to let it continue. He either stops completely or you divorce.

You had a go at him because he burnt dinner, you also expect him to fix your mistake, one you’ve apparently done before.

I’m not surprised he’s angry. The name calling was a tad excessive. You can either try couples therapy or separate

I am older than you and I can assure you his language was not acceptable 50 years ago. My (now adult) DC always knew those words are not acceptable.

That’s outrageous. Absolutely no excuse. And not a one-off. I would NOT be putting up with this. What do you want to happen next? How are you going to address this massive elephant in the room? Can you ask him to go somewhere else and give you some space? You know things can’t stay like this,

I don’t know if I lead a sheltered life, but I cannot comprehend someone using such language to anyone , let alone their life partner. I could not live that way. If you still have feelings for this man, you need to talk together about the way you handle conflict. He needs to understand that any repeat of this hideous abusive behaviour will not be tolerated. Be prepared to record him and report to the Police. But I would split.

Exactly this!

A 50 something year old man with no impulse control, no emotional regulation and abusive tendencies who knows you grew up in a similar environment. What a catch.

He doesn’t love you @namecalling123 - he resents you and holds you in contempt. For whatever reason he is tolerating staying with you despite that and you’ll pay for it every day.

Do your children know you live like this? Do they visit this home?

The fact you’ve started a post here shows you know you deserve better than this. Let his latest tantrum be the last one he gets to harm you with. There is not one single thing he brings to this relationship that should make this abuse tolerable. Not one.

There will be the usual excusers who come on here to tell you you drove him to it but count those against the posts telling you he is an abuser you need to get away from, if you start to doubt the voice that is telling you this isn’t right. You can have a happy life away from him. Give yourself that.