Husband calls me names

[namecalling123]

I just hoovered the outdoor rug, not realising it was wet. So the handheld hoover now has water in it. Husband sees this and gets angry, because it'll now need taking apart and cleaning.

Lots of shouting at me, saying I've done this before, and don't I remember, and then I was called a Fucking Mungo, and Fucking Retard and a Fucking Spazmoid. Lots of slamming about when he cleans it. And he was shaking with anger.

AIBU that the name calling is wrong? He has since apologised, but I don't think we should be name calling at all. A few weeks ago was raged at for a good 15 mins and called a stupid Cunt because I wanted to take 2 cars somewhere (won't bore you with the details).

He says he was angry today, because I had a go at him last night for burning the dinner (which I did).

Lots of people have stressful jobs and manage not to call their wife a cunt. Yes people get a bit snappy, moody, disagree with each other etc. But there are ways to say 'i'm annoyed with you' without being aggressive and swearing.

He is not full of remorse though is he? He is saying he is but I bet he isn't sorry enough to actually make any significant effort to change. Has he gone to any type of therapy for anger management for example?

Well @namecalling123 you have three options

A) Tell him enough is enough and he needs to go to anger management and change the way he treats you.

B) leave him.

C) Put up and shut up.

This sounds horrible for you, even if it is not the majority of the time. He needs anger management and can probably get that help via work with the police that must be relatively commonplace as a therapy for police? Don't engage with him until he agrees he has a problem and that he's going to address it for both of your sakes

Did you say he is a Police Officer? Seriously????

Why am I not surprised he's in the police?

I can guarantee that retirement will not improve his abuse. You will be blamed for anything that irks him just the same.

I have been married 37 years and neither of us are saints yet in that time we have managed to avoid ever, even once, using that kind of language to one another. Because it is not normal or ok.

Would you tolerate that from anyone else, even if most of the time they were fine? I doubt it.

Have a really good think about your future. Someone like that could be extremely difficult in old age when health issues might cause frustration (and it could be if either one of you is sick or struggling).

Best wishes for a better future.

Just get rid
I am always amazed at women who stay with men like this it baffles me!
it sounds a horrendous way to live and he sounds vile! **

As previously mentioned, record him next time. This will focus his mind on consequences. His outbursts are totally unacceptable given the circumstances and you must feel terrified at a 6ft + man verbally abusing you.

I’m about your age OP. My husband has never raised his voice to me or called me names, and vice-versa. Your relationship is not normal and it sounds bloody awful.

Why do you put up with it? Surely you’d be better off without him.

No, not terrified, he has never laid a finger on me. Also, I grew up with similar, so it's my normal, I guess. I obviously don't like it though! It just seems so unneccesary.

Why would you even ask?
This is totally unacceptable, because of the basic attitude to you which he is revealing. That the words themselves are pretty despicable isn’t the main issue. If he can curse you like this over essentially trivial matters, he can do very much worse too.
i cant imagine believing that such a man loved me, never mind love him myself.

Sorry, but no matter how much of a difficult bitch I have been in my 34 years with DH - and as an AuDHD with a history of depression who was a bit of a basket case in her 20s, that was quite a big bitch at times - my DH has NEVER once sworn at or called me names. Never. Not even when I reversed my car into his spanking new Z4 on the drive.

A person who loves you does not use that language. Not ever.

I think this is a LTB moment.

If you can't see that this is wrong OP I suspect he's ground you down for years with this behaviour.

Not even when I reversed my car into his spanking new Z4 on the drive

I honestly cannot imagine the meltdown that would ensue if I backed into his car!

Well shit happens and that's what insurance is for. Of course a person has a right to be annoyed if that happens and should receive an apology, but just how much abuse do you think you'd receive for accidentally damaging an insured and replaceable object? What's the car worth to him and what are you worth to him?

Well, I braced myself for it (dysfunctional chlidhood where my parents would absolutely have screamed, yelled and slapped me in those circumstances). And it would have been justified if he had completely lost his shit. But he told me to ‘go in side and leave him alone for a while, as he couldn’t find the words to speak to me just now’ and then sat on the door step with his head in his hands. He may have cried. I know I did. It was nearly £1800 damage and a new bumper, not including the work on my car. And he has never let me forget it (with gentle teasing, though).

Honestly, as anger inducing as it may be to potentially ruin a hoover, you never deserve to be spoken to like this by your partner. We’re human. We make mistakes. No one died. I hope you can see this?

Wouldn't the insurance have covered most of it?

Exactly - the excess on the claim and the hassle of getting it repaired/processing the claim was clearly not as important to him as I was. And cost him more than a potentially terminal hoover. I know he has wanted to strangle me on multiple occasions during our relationship, but he is great at walking away, counting to ten thousand and coming back when he has calmed down. No idea how he does it as I am fucking annoying.

If we claimed it would have put our insurance premiums up as we were on a joint policy. Plus is excess is something like £400. In the end he just paid it. He’d have claimed if it had been someone else.

If your husband is reading this @namecalling123 .. then here’s my message.

This is the person in your life you are meant to love and cherish the most.

Calling your partner a ‘cunt’ and a ‘retard’ is the opposite of that. It’s hateful behaviour. Why aren’t you utterly ashamed of your absolutely inability to act like a decent human being?

And my message to you op is why on earth would you stay into old age with this absolute excuse of a man?

Another man cunt..... leave

He sounds absolutely awful and I think you are putting yourself in danger by sending him a link to this thread. I think you should report this thread to MN and ask them to delete it.

If he is verbally abusing you because of his work then he needs to access therapy through work to deal with this. Not just keep abusing you.

It’s only a car…

I am shocked and disgusted that he uses those words, that's mind blowing yet alone using them over such a small incident to someone he supposedly loves. I wouldn't want to know someone who uses those words. A friend a relative or colleague anyone who muttered one of those slurs would get my full rage. He's unbelievable. I would come down on my child like a ton of bricks if I heard them use any of those abusive, disgusting words. I couldn't stay married to him, that's unforgivable. He's repulsive. You deserve so much better. A relationship with respect, we all get annoyed but his reaction is disproportionate and so offensive.