Husband calls me names

[namecalling123]

I just hoovered the outdoor rug, not realising it was wet. So the handheld hoover now has water in it. Husband sees this and gets angry, because it'll now need taking apart and cleaning.

Lots of shouting at me, saying I've done this before, and don't I remember, and then I was called a Fucking Mungo, and Fucking Retard and a Fucking Spazmoid. Lots of slamming about when he cleans it. And he was shaking with anger.

AIBU that the name calling is wrong? He has since apologised, but I don't think we should be name calling at all. A few weeks ago was raged at for a good 15 mins and called a stupid Cunt because I wanted to take 2 cars somewhere (won't bore you with the details).

He says he was angry today, because I had a go at him last night for burning the dinner (which I did).

It’s isn’t normal or ok and you shouldn’t have to live like this. Not once in my 6 year relationship with my husband have we called each other names, used swear words whilst arguing or even raised our voices. That doesn’t mean we don’t argue or have disagreements, it means we respect each other enough not to go low with name calling and abuse.

Imagine if you were walking down the street and you heard a man calling his wife these names, would you just walk by and think it was ok or would you feel awfully sorry and worried for her? Or if one of your children came to you and said their partner treated them this way, would you just tell them to put up with it?

Treat yourself with that same love and concern. You deserve more.

@Dolphinsarejerks Making excuses for abusers might help you feel better about being abused or an abuser but is not valid advice here.

Work on raising your own standards rather than encouraging someone else to make theirs lower.

Where did op say she expected him to fix it?

Obviously horrific abuse and completely unacceptable. Just to check - since you say you had a 'go' at him the previous night. I'm assuming you don't name call? In any case, it sounds like an awful marriage. Kids have left home. Follow their example and leave.

Did he apologise properly or was it "I'm sorry but"?
Why didn't you clean out the hoover?
Did you also call him names about the dinner?
Some people are shouters, some people are sulkers, is he ok the rest of the time? Is it out of character for him?
The amount of name calling does seem excessive and if you don't like it, that's reasonable but it sounds like you both have a go at each other.
I've never yelled at someone for burning food, it happens! If someone made a mess and expected me to clean it up I probably would yell.

Where did I see see y I expected him to fix it? He grabbed it out of my hand. I would have cleaned it myself if he hadn’t.

The language he used is inexcusable, unacceptable and disgusting and I would leave a man who called me such names, no matter the situation.

But I have to admit I would get frustrated with someone who vacced an outside rug without checking it was dry. If only because I would be worried they would electrocute themselves. Also, when you shouted at him for burning the dinner, what words did you use towards him?

His words are unacceptable, but it is possible that the OP's were too and it's just a toxic horrible relationship that should be ended for the betterment of both parties.

Its abuse

I also grew up in a house where abuse was the norm. I don't tolerate it now and neither should you. Sorry, OP.

Oh grabbing is not good. Occasional shouting and apologising for it is one thing, but physical stuff is different.

Why are you with him OP?

Ignore the dolphin, op. You are upset because you have been abused, any reasonable person would understand that.

Good grief, what a nasty nasty bully.
Not normal behaviour or actions at all OP. Can you leave this toxic relationship?

Excellent, kids gone, now you can divorce him before he ends up having a stroke and you get to push a heavy abusive bully around in a wheelchair and ruin what’s left of your life.

The name calling was a tad excessive.

Just a tad, huh? That's nice of you. If I were to call you a fucking retard, a fucking mungo and a fucking spazmoid right now for making this post, you'd just think I was a tad excessive, would you?

Your marriage sounds utterly horrible, OP. I don't think I could stay in it.

Of course it’s wrong!! He’s abusive and has clear issues with emotional regulation. Those names are vile, and shouldn’t be said to anyone, let alone someone he purports to love. He needs support to manage his anger, and you need to decide if you want to stay with someone who treats you so poorly.
I’m so sorry you’re going through that.

No I didn’t call him names about the dinner. He cooks a couple of times a month. He’s cooked twice though in recent days and both meals were burnt.

The first time he says it’s my fault, because my sister called to give me an update on our Dad who’s in hospital. My argument there is that if he’d covered it with foil he could have saved it drying out/burning.

The second time he just left it in the oven too long and it was very tough.

I find it frustrating that he only cooks a few times a month and then gets it wrong. Yes I called him out on it, no I didn’t name call.

I couldn't even be friends with the kind of scumbag who used those words let alone be married to one. You deserve so much better.

I have sent him a link to this thread. Unsurprisingly, he doesn’t call anyone else names. He would never call his Dad or his sister names, and presumably manages not to be like this at work!

No. He saves this behaviour for you because he despises you.

WTAF?! DH and I were together for 22 years and not even once did he even come close to calling me names. There was silly name calling sometimes when we teased each other or mucked about, but nothing at all like you describe. Your DH is an abusive bully with anger issues. I genuinely mean it when I say that I would walk if a partner called me a name like that even once - once is all it would take and that would be the end, because it shows such a massive lack of respect and love, and a huge amount of contempt. You can do better than this horrible man.

He's not going to see the light and say oh darling of course I can see the error of my ways.

But now he knows you have aired your grievances in public and will probably use that as another stick to beat you with.

How old is this child? Language like that.

Even if he was justified in being angry, there are no circumstances where language like that is acceptable. Absolutely none.

You need to leave OP. You should not have to put up with this.