Starting again at 61

[ByHardyMintPombear]

Is it really possible to start again at 61? I have a perfect dh, 2 adult dc who are happy, a nice house. We have had a lovely life. Dh & I enjoy family time, hols, meeting up with friends for meals out. Everything looks rosy on the garden, but it's not.
I really couldn't care less if I never have sex again. He still wants to & I can feel the resentment starting to creep in. It's not fair on him either.
Dh has never been into music. I still like to go to music events/festivals/raves where there are like minded people my age.
Trouble Is, we live in a little village close to a small town, where not much is going on. I feel so trapped & bored. I've made a shiny set of new friends in a city who are always out. This is the life I want. I don't want to take dh out with me & new friends. It would change the dynamic as he wouldn't enjoy it.
Can't really afford to split up. I do not work, can't imagine finding a decent job at my age. I only have a small pension as I was a sahm mum for years. I loved this, but now the kids are gone I'm trapped. I want to leave our rural life & start again. He doesn't.
I still love him, but as a best friend. How could I break his & the rest of the family's heart by turning everything on it's head. We have a comfortable retirement planned. I haven't got the heart to take half of what I'd be entitled, leaving him with not such a comfortable retirement after he's worked so hard all of his life.
There are 3 events that are I love to go to with these new friends. Two are held every 3 months, another is every 2 months. This involves travel & hotel stays for me. Taking money out of the family pot for this is not really fair. Does this sound excessive? This going out til 3am on a regular basis will not last forever, I know that.. We're getting old.
Me staying out in the city with these new friends wouldn't be so bad if I was able to give something back to dh, but I just can't. I read so many threads asking where are all the good 50+ men are. Well I have one right here.
It just looks & feels like I'm with him for his money & the nice life we have. How can I stop feeling so bored & trapped? I could try & get another job but this would not change how I feel about never wanting sex again, nor would it stop me feeling bored with this rural life.
Sorry it's such a long, rambling post.

I agree about the rural area, it always sounds so lovely, but it can be very isolating.

Can you tell us more about the new friends? How did you meet? Are they in a similar age/income bracket to you? Who organises these events? Could you organise some and make them more affordable?

This is a sensible reply.
I think the marriage DH and I have is like a Venn diagram; we have our joint bit in the middle, plus my bit and his bit.
It suits us and it means we can lead the life we want without the other being clingy or resentful.

Strange suggestion for someone who doesn’t want sex. Unless you’re encouraging OP to take up tennis?

And are they all single or navigating marriage/family with these same social outings you want to go to.

I would just say that if you divorce, you may lose some of your non-shiny old friends, especially if one of these shiny new friends turns into a shiny new partner soon afterwards.
Shiny new friendships can easily change or dissolve away if there's nothing much below the surface to bind you together. Proper old friends are worth their weight in gold IME and increasingly so as we get older.
I'd pop them on the scales when you're weighing up your choices.

He does sound boring and old before his time. How do you think he'd react if you suggested he gets sex elsewhere? Then you can go off raving guilt free.

why is it that you have no idea how spoilt you sound/are ?????

Some people can’t see how good they have things

Life is hard and it gets harder in old age. Will her shiny new friends step up if she develops cancer or dementia? Hopefully that is all ten plus years away. I see already friends of mine being widowed and how hard it is for them

This is true. We can never have it all, and life is always a compromise.

I agree about the rural area, it always sounds so lovely, but it can be very isolating. I live in a tiny village and the social life here is buzzing!

My SIL is only 70 but her hip issues now prevent her from moving.

So she is widowed in a huge house on two acres of gardens and cannot get anywhere on her own.
She is refusing to leave her gardens but is very lonely and dependent.

I think you have to be an older woman in a long relationship to understand your dilemma. Some of the other posters were unkind, I think.

I wonder if, if you reflected, you'd find that you went off this man a very long time ago, but it was impossible to leave due to your responsibilities.

Your children are grown, your husband is an adult, yes, it would majorly rock the boat to leave, but they would survive. And your relationship with your husband could improve, over time. Maybe he'd be happier to be with someone who wanted more sex. And you could finally do the things you've always wanted to do, and escape the rural boredom. Maybe a trial separation is the first step, to see how you both feel. Maybe, you could convince DH to move to the city.

Good luck, whatever you decide!

The same place as she is now except by a different route?

It’s a hard call re the new friends. They may look down on the authors life because it wouldn’t be for them, and OP fancies their life because it’s one She/They haven’t tried.

And it’s easy to offload to people removed from your inner circle too, in turn they will generally offer assistance which may not be ideal for the marriage ( which is what happened in our friends case).

Im a big believer in following your heart and have always followed mine.

But when you have spent a long time NOT doing that, I also believe that sometimes you may just have to accept the bed you have made for yourself and find ways to live as best yiu can with the life created by your decisions.

What you are yearning for may TECHNICALLY be possible, but for many reasons, its a high risk move.

You could pack it all in and go live your best life.
Equally you could pack it all in and find your new friends move on, you develop an illness, you cant pay your mortgage or rent, and youre left thinking "im 61, WTF just happened?".

In your case I would stop lusting after an unrealistic party life and start thinking about how you can create some compromises with this man you describe as your best friend. That means:
You need to go back to work
He needs to have a serious think about qorking with you to move somewhere less rural
You need to start thinking creatively about how you can reengage with your sensuality and see about reconnecting with the man you married, on a sexual level.

Good luck.