Starting again at 61

[ByHardyMintPombear]

Is it really possible to start again at 61? I have a perfect dh, 2 adult dc who are happy, a nice house. We have had a lovely life. Dh & I enjoy family time, hols, meeting up with friends for meals out. Everything looks rosy on the garden, but it's not.
I really couldn't care less if I never have sex again. He still wants to & I can feel the resentment starting to creep in. It's not fair on him either.
Dh has never been into music. I still like to go to music events/festivals/raves where there are like minded people my age.
Trouble Is, we live in a little village close to a small town, where not much is going on. I feel so trapped & bored. I've made a shiny set of new friends in a city who are always out. This is the life I want. I don't want to take dh out with me & new friends. It would change the dynamic as he wouldn't enjoy it.
Can't really afford to split up. I do not work, can't imagine finding a decent job at my age. I only have a small pension as I was a sahm mum for years. I loved this, but now the kids are gone I'm trapped. I want to leave our rural life & start again. He doesn't.
I still love him, but as a best friend. How could I break his & the rest of the family's heart by turning everything on it's head. We have a comfortable retirement planned. I haven't got the heart to take half of what I'd be entitled, leaving him with not such a comfortable retirement after he's worked so hard all of his life.
There are 3 events that are I love to go to with these new friends. Two are held every 3 months, another is every 2 months. This involves travel & hotel stays for me. Taking money out of the family pot for this is not really fair. Does this sound excessive? This going out til 3am on a regular basis will not last forever, I know that.. We're getting old.
Me staying out in the city with these new friends wouldn't be so bad if I was able to give something back to dh, but I just can't. I read so many threads asking where are all the good 50+ men are. Well I have one right here.
It just looks & feels like I'm with him for his money & the nice life we have. How can I stop feeling so bored & trapped? I could try & get another job but this would not change how I feel about never wanting sex again, nor would it stop me feeling bored with this rural life.
Sorry it's such a long, rambling post.

stay at home mums have pension credits as long as you get child benefit. So you will have your own pension

I agree with all of this.

I would also add to be careful Op, the grass isn’t always greener & you could end up poor & lonely in your next phase. (And the old adage rings true - the grass is greener where you water it). Good luck as it is tough.

Huge mistake to give up work for grandchildren when it isolates you so much.

You have given enough.
Get back to work.

The events and day trips / overnights in the city are easily resolved: go without him.

I know don’t how you can compromise on the sex life though.

Why would she take on a share of the financial
responsibility if he is not taking on a share of the emotional and domestic labour?

Why would she make enemies for ending her marriage?

In the case I mention on page 2, the separation (instigated by 1, unexpected by the other) has turned difficult and nasty.

In turn the person who I’ve known for well over 20 years, is a shadow of the one I knew of and emotionally devoid for consideration to others.

it’s left me wondering how well did I know that person to start with….

They have lied to me, told various versions of he said/she said, has interfered in a business arrangement so it ended up benefiting their self. It’s affected that couple’s relationship too.

I doubt I will see that person ever again moving forward (they are moving a few hundred miles away), yet for 20 + years I would have dropped what I was doing to help if it had been required.

My feelings have certainly changed since they initiated the separation and not for the better.

Getting a part time job where you can focus your energies and make a difference might really help
here. You might not feel so trapped, you will have something to make an impact through and also you will feel more of an equal partner financially (although as others have said bringing up children to allow another partner to work is a massive contribution, he’s not the only one who worked hard).

Dump him and go on the game.

Don't go to every single meet up with the shinies, so then you'll be able to afford it when you do go. Done - that side's sorted. As for your sex life, your are old enough to know what you do and don't want. It sucks for your husband, but no one owes anyone else sex, especially in your sixties. So, now the ball's in his court (so to speak) - can he live without having sex with another person? If not, then there's your answer.

The life you have with The Shinies is not an everyday existence. You can still have those experiences, but you need to start filling up your days with other activities. Volunteer, take a part time job, join a gym or walking group. Find things that interest you. There are so many options these days

I am 62, married, but we don't have children. Because of this, I have always been very keen for us to do stuff separately. If one of us dies, the other needs to be self sufficient. You and your husband are not joined at the hip. Do your own thing, and make sure he does too. This will make the time you do spend together more interesting.

I agree with you. If you see my original reply is for her to question what she really wants. But also not act on a whim and destroy her relationship in the process and regret later.If she is sure that what she wants is to leave her husband she should go for it and deal with whatever the consequences are as they come. But he may not be problem by what she decribed. She put herself in a corner by not having a job and that may be part of the reason she feels unfulfilled. Not that a job is everything. She sounds as if she's given up on her relationship.
If you trully love somebody you can always find things to do that both enjoy and also have separate interests. I find her approach is very one sided.

Haven't read the full thread, but surely you can't afford this fantasy life. Assuming these are also new friends, who may quickly no be the people you think they are.
Firstly you need to get a job. I can't understand why you haven't worked sooner.

I go to lots of stuff without my DH. He goes to events without me. Shared finances cover each others hobbies. You sound like you are subservient to him like it’s his money. You raised a family, he worked. You both had roles. He’s not more deserving. I would try counselling.

This is a bit odd OP. It reads as though you are looking for reasons to leave your husband which might be case but if it is you should at least be honest with yourself. None of these things are reasons to blow up an entire family’s world, devastate your children and have an impact on your relationship with any future grandchildren. You can go to the events without your husband and your DH can sort himself out. I don’t really see the issue apart from you seem to want there to be one?

My parents are a little older than you but not much and in the same situation I would be furious and so so disappointed with my mum and probably end up taking my dad’s side so you need to think about how you could end up losing everything.

I’m posting even though I have no idea what you should do [helpful]

My parents split up when my mum was 59. She was the breadwinner and had a steady job, and my dad left her finally and ran off with someone else. All I can say is… don’t expect old steady back home to remain the same. He will have a new relationship and new priorities faster than you can blink, and you will be living on whatever you can scrape together. My dad lived in poverty for the rest of his life but eventually managed to find a girlfriend with money and a house - tbf he did do some caring for her and she loved him very much but it was such a relief to us that he wasn’t being evicted etc any more in his 70s. The joint decision for you to be a SAHM was all fine but it has left you dependent and vulnerable.

It does sound to me as if both your lives could be better within the marriage. I agree that you do need to have a proper conversation about sex. Going out and having fun should definitely be part of your life but you do need to pay attention to your husband.

Could some of this be improved by moving into the city? Would he consider that?

Maybe she does not want to work. Work is not a panacea ... it can be a huge burden.
Being involved with GC is a joy and not a burden to some.

I think a job would give her some financial independence though.
I suspect finances is something that the OP and her husband need to discuss more.

I am sort of going against the grain here. He does sound deadly boring and I personally couldn’t cope with being with a person with that little spark or curiosity.

So many men become unbelievably boring and set in their ways when they hit middle age while women often come into them own at this point in life. I think its a tragedy to be dragged down by a man who has prematurely aged. I’m not surprised you don’t want sex with him.

On the other hand at a practical level I think posters are right that the friends who suddenly seem so appealing are lifestyle friends and probably aren’t enough to sustain you. I don’t think your life with them is a reliable guide to what single life would be like.

Could you manage financially living on your own? I do think you would be happier without him if you can afford it.

You need a group of like minded girlfriends. Find your tribe and get yourself a volunteer job.

i promise, in our old age, the girlfriends make a the biggest difference:
the laugh, the support, the silliness, and everything in between

a volunteer work cos you need to keep your brain engaged in something miningful

Then and only
them you can decide if you need to separate

You wouldn’t be able to afford the move to the city by yourself. And it seems strange to throw your entire life away. You can go out clubbing . I just don’t see why you seem to think it’s one way or the other .

Just go by yourself OP, surely that's completely normal. Most retired couples do lots of things separately, within the people I know, the woman travels around and the man prefers to stay at home. And both are happy with this. In fact I'm 40 and that's what I prefer too.

Its a problem that your sex drives don't match, but it's up to him whether he's sufficiently unhappy with that to do something about it.

What is ‘emotional labour’? Is there any suggestion that the husband did not pull his weight within the family? It is a huge luxury to not have to be the main breadwinner. Both my grandmothers worked throughout their lives and brought up four and six kids respectively. They worked hard. There are a lot of women, statistically far more than men, who either never return to work after childcare or do small jobs and become economically inactive earlier. The OP says she looks after grandkids. In my experience there is a good ten years in that and she looks after her elderly mother. Not his parents, note. She says they ( so husband as well ) love her mother and love having her to stay in spite of her controlling ways. Seems to me the husband does a great deal for his wife. Will he be expected to take on the care of his MIL when his wife dances off to her shiny new friends?
Life is hard and it gets harder in old age. Will her shiny new friends step up if she develops cancer or dementia? Hopefully that is all ten plus years away. I see already friends of mine being widowed and how hard it is for them. Good luck with the shinies. Good luck with your shiny new life.

This is SO TRUE.
Living in an urban setting helps too.

I see my SIL widowed in a rural setting and it is so isolated.