Starting again at 61

[ByHardyMintPombear]

Is it really possible to start again at 61? I have a perfect dh, 2 adult dc who are happy, a nice house. We have had a lovely life. Dh & I enjoy family time, hols, meeting up with friends for meals out. Everything looks rosy on the garden, but it's not.
I really couldn't care less if I never have sex again. He still wants to & I can feel the resentment starting to creep in. It's not fair on him either.
Dh has never been into music. I still like to go to music events/festivals/raves where there are like minded people my age.
Trouble Is, we live in a little village close to a small town, where not much is going on. I feel so trapped & bored. I've made a shiny set of new friends in a city who are always out. This is the life I want. I don't want to take dh out with me & new friends. It would change the dynamic as he wouldn't enjoy it.
Can't really afford to split up. I do not work, can't imagine finding a decent job at my age. I only have a small pension as I was a sahm mum for years. I loved this, but now the kids are gone I'm trapped. I want to leave our rural life & start again. He doesn't.
I still love him, but as a best friend. How could I break his & the rest of the family's heart by turning everything on it's head. We have a comfortable retirement planned. I haven't got the heart to take half of what I'd be entitled, leaving him with not such a comfortable retirement after he's worked so hard all of his life.
There are 3 events that are I love to go to with these new friends. Two are held every 3 months, another is every 2 months. This involves travel & hotel stays for me. Taking money out of the family pot for this is not really fair. Does this sound excessive? This going out til 3am on a regular basis will not last forever, I know that.. We're getting old.
Me staying out in the city with these new friends wouldn't be so bad if I was able to give something back to dh, but I just can't. I read so many threads asking where are all the good 50+ men are. Well I have one right here.
It just looks & feels like I'm with him for his money & the nice life we have. How can I stop feeling so bored & trapped? I could try & get another job but this would not change how I feel about never wanting sex again, nor would it stop me feeling bored with this rural life.
Sorry it's such a long, rambling post.

It seems you want him to compromise but you to not at all?!

I think you're forgetting someone.

Well, are you? Might be time for a good honest chat.

This.

I'm not sure sleeping with other people would be a great idea. What if he falls in love with someone else and wants a divorce? Where does that leave you? You might benefit from relationship counselling.

I am for living on the present but the reality is that you are 61. In a couple of years you may be looking at completely different picture. What will you do when you no longer have the energy for going to gigs alone with these new friends. Will you be happier to be on your own ? If you dont think you won't miss him, divorce would be good for both.
I wouldn't be surprised if remarries quite soon. So it would be a win-win for you both

Jesus, some of these posts! Get thee to a nunnery @ByHardyMintPombear , and live out your final years in shame, you pleasure seeking hussy.

These dilemmas are faced by people at any age; and most people do nothing and remain living ‘lives of quiet desperation.’ This site provides much evidence of that.

Only you can decide if major change is worth it to you. But be aware most families don’t like it when good old mum finally decides to do something for herself.

I disagree. Her main concern is that she doesn't want to sleep with him anymore and secondly that she will have no money.

At least if he gets a side piece that will solve 50% of the problem. If he does fall in love and the marriage ends it was going that way anyway but it bides the OP some time at least while she enjoys her new mates etc. and decides if it's worth salvaging.

I am not on the side of the OP by the way. I think she actually wants her cake and eat it.

X

You do seem very me me me @ByHardyMintPombear

If you need money to pay for your jollies get a job

If you don't want sex ,talk to your husband and work out how he can find a way to feel happier about sex

Don't see your grandkids so often and you can then find more time to work to pay for your jollies

Perhaps your Mum needs sertraline?

It drives me mad these posts about women who never worked or took on their share of financial responsibility then feel it's their turn to play around. Or the posters who refer to 'his' children as if they are in Afghanistan and wives and children are owned by the man. Most women work, I still do part time work and I am in my 70s. Most of us retire mid sixties then do grand childcare for 10 years. A day off is still a novelty to me. On my day off I want to spend it with my lovely husband. Fifty years and counting. I am the age where every other person has cancer . Blow up your life but you will make a lot of enemies. I see my widowed friends, it is hard being old and alone in your seventies and eighties.
I think you are selfish, OP.

What's going to happen when she's 63? When I was that age I was working full time as a secondary school teacher. I wasn't the only one. I didn't retire until I was 66.
I can't imagine being so bored at 61. Sounds like she's seeking fulfillment and is resentful of the way things have gone.

I think you're searching for a radical change, but can't quite make the final jump.
Ask yourself how you see your life in 5 years time.
Discuss the future with your husband and try to work out a way forward.

My mum left step dad at 60 and although she feels better certainty it is not retirement she had planned, goes nowhere doesn't do much as cannot afford to and it's hard to see her struggle, she has afew friends but constantly moans she's lonely and poor and at least a relationship as a beat friend is way better than uncertainty, end of the day talk to your partner if sex is a major issue let him be the one to. End it, u go do your thing with friends and if he resents that meet in the middle would your new friends come to your aid if you couldn't afford to do all there events think carefully

Life’s short and you still have your health, I say this as someone in their fifties who developed multiple health problems at menopause. I can’t help feeling some of the answers here would be very different if you were younger. You say on paper you have everything, but I think you have to ask yourself if you do? Do you still enjoy your husband’s company? Do you have much in common anymore? If yes, then there’s something to work with here. If he’s just a good man who you like well enough but you’re just very different people now, then you don’t have to stay just because he’s nice. It might also explain where your libido has gone, you like him but may not be attracted to him anymore. No amount of hrt or trips to the GP can sort that out.

I think the talk of going out with friends may have skewed the conversation. It sounds to me like you’re just much more active than him. That if you were to separate it wouldn’t simply be meeting up with these specific friends, but that you might enjoy city life and all that comes with it. Yes, you might have to live in smaller accommodation on less money (you’d need to do the sums here) but lots of people split in their sixties, you’re not consigned to a lifestyle and a person who doesn’t make you feel happy just because you’re 61.

Aging occurs diferently for everybody. And it is not linear. There are big aging step around 60. I am a few years younger than you and full time works drains me and I am thinking to reduce my work hours. Two years ago I was full of energy, starting a new job etc. It is liked Ive aged 4 years in 2. And I love my job.
The study says that there are these big aging steps that occurs mid 30s 60s and late 70s. Maybe I've hit mine a bit erlier and you haven't hit yours yet. But it is a fact that age will affect health and energy levels sooner or later.

Does he want you to stop going out? Because unless he's unhappy with that, I don't see why you need to start over to do all these things? Surely you have the best of both worlds, security, family and companionship, and fun and excitement? In all honesty the two probably give good balance that might be missing if you went all in with the shiny life, and the novelty could wear off.
The sex thing is obviously more problematic. It's a shame you're out of step on that, but surely it's up to him whether he'd prefer a sexless marriage or none at all, you don't need to decide that for his benefit.

Take those rose tinted glasses off.

I don’t really see why you can’t build a life that incorporates both these things.

Too true, but 61 isn't old nowadays. She's still got life in her and isn't ready to sit by the fire and nod off. By the sound of it she's still searching for fulfilment and activities.
None of us know what future holds, so maybe she's right to enjoy her life while she can.

I’m your age too. My body has also changed and I’m trying different supplements without much success. My Hubby notices the difference in my body as well and it things not enjoyable for him as well. So I’m happier to pleasure him.

it’s also fine for Hubby not to want to go to every concert with you but why not try for the one most special to you? Then do something he wants to do that you might not.

develop new habits and opportunities. Basically start dating each other again now the kids are gone. Travel, joint sports, hobbies, some times chasing your own interests.

we hsve been watching a friend couple separate. Not married for as long as you and I have, but not much younger. It’s turned terribly nasty and the money one thought they were going to get isn’t there in reality and it’s going to be a huge struggle and that person has changed away from the wonderful person they had been…

You could take a part time job to pay for your trips? You’re not too old. Lady in the supermarket near me is in her late 70s and loves having a natter by the tills. You could also be a midday lunch supervisor at a school. Or a lollipop lady / crossing patrol. These very part time positions would suit somebody like you quite well. There’s probably other options out there too. Then you don’t need to feel guilty about taking from the family pot.

"How could I break his & the rest of the family's heart by turning everything on it's head"

This. Are you willing to shatter the lives of everyone youblove just because youre 'bored'? And for what, exactly?

I don’t know why you would blow up your life for this. You describe a set-up which sounds great by many people’s standards. If your husband is happy for you to see your new friends and go out, that’s great. What’s the problem? If it makes you happy and fulfilled you’ll be fun to be around. The sex thing is a whole other thread and you owe it to him to have a deep conversation with him about it at the very least and if you previously enjoyed sex and had a good sex life to investigate medical or therapy based solutions.
The thing that would sway it for me would be the lack of kindness towards someone who has been such an important part of your life. I bet he’d be devastated. I would also not want to do this to my adult children. Marriage is hard. Divorce is harder. Choose your hard. I think you should have your cake and eat it.

It sounds like a bit of a boring life to me and I too would crave a bit more excitement in your position. Why shouldn’t you be ‘selfish’. You’ve given up your life to look after your joint kids and enable him to be the provider. You should be having some fun before the light fades. Explain this to your dh and see if you can find some compromises. If you’re happier , you might feel more like reviving your sex life.

Eventually he's going to think I'm with him for the nice life we have & the freedom it gives me, but not for him.

This is of course the reality.

Being retired sends you both into a new phase of life and adjustments are needed, just as there were when you started a family, or you went back to work, or the children left home .......

I think part of the problem is that you want to talk about big general things like ..... what to do with this last bit of your lives, where to live, what to do for social life, places you would like to see etc. etc. and he just wants to talk about sex. It is a lopsided conversation that gets neither of you anywhere.

Write it down: I want this, this, this for this new phase of life. I don't want this, this, this. Give it to him and ask him to do the same so you can both talk about it. It gives you something concrete to discuss and make plans on this basis.

At the moment it sounds as though you are both drifting about and talking at cross purposes.

I do not think you need to see a doctor about your absence of libido - you are not ill. You are just 61 and it is very common for libido to fade in women at that age. Do not allow yourself to be medicalised. Nor do I think you need to feel bad about taking money from the pot to have some fun. You have contributed to the pot too.

It is a shame that your sex drives are now mismatched, but it is absolutely normal for this to happen - two people cannot share whole lives together without changing in many ways and this is just one of them. Each change requires adaptation. If you are very clear that sexual activity is off the agenda, then he will have to find ways of adapting, because the bottom line is that no-one (man or woman) should ever be having sex they do not want.