To be peeved by guests lack of gratitude

[ladycarlotta]

Posting as I need a sense check on this one please!

My partner's family live a long haul flight away. His 18 year old relative has been travelling Europe with another 18 year old (a relative of hers on the other side, so nothing to do with partner). We enthusiastically agreed they should stay with us for 3-4 nights and were obviously prepared to host, feed etc. I kind of saw it as paying forward the kind hospitality I received from family abroad during my own gap year.

They ended up asking if they could bring an additional friend, who is in her thirties who they'd met up with in Europe. We said it would be tight for space but yes, fine, prepared an extra bedroom (it's not a large house). The day they arrived my partner collected them from the airport and drove them to a local thing they wanted to see before bringing them back for a roast. They apologised they were too tired from their short haul flight to help clear up. Ok, fair enough, we did all that while handling our young kids.

And it's gone on like this! We've provided all meals. Breakfast, dinner, even packed lunches. They have never so much as loaded the dishwasher. They wanted to see a castle so partner drove us there in shifts as there wasn't space in the car for everyone. We suggested they take the train back but they didn't want to. At 9.45pm, one of them took an hour and a half bath in our only bathroom so nobody could get ready for bed. I feel like we're running a hotel? Like this is just expected? It's been really hard work to do this all on top of our usual life with two small kids and they don't express a whole lot of appreciation although they're quick to appear crestfallen if things don't live up to their expectations.

Anyway, they've gone now - I thought maybe they'd leave a bottle of wine or some chocolates, even a card? But no.

AIBU to have expected a bit of gratitude and help from them? One relative and two strangers staying in our house for free? I can kind of understand the teens being clueless but the adult? I would never stay at someone's house without bringing contributions, expressing appreciation, and offering to help. Maybe I've been unreasonable not to prompt them to do this but I've honestly just been expecting they'll do it and then being too surprised to articulate it when they don't. I also kind of feel it should be my partner's job to say something as he's actually related to one of them.

Is this normal? Am I the weird one?

This next generation is no different from any who have gone before.

The guests should have had good manners and consideration for others !OP shouldn’t have to have spelt it out.

I almost voted YABU because I think you should have said something. They're young and hopefully malleable, and clearly need some instructions on etiquette! The 30-something-year-old should have known better.

Some of the things you did I think you just shouldn't have done or tolerated if it wasn't convenient, though I can understand feeling compelled to act the good host.

I agree with you. A bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine between the 3 of them won't have cost a lot. It is rude. That remind me when the aunt and uncle of my now ex husband stayed with us for a week, they slept and have breakfast and dinner at our place, go every day to be with my ex husband mother and his sister for lunch.,they were supposed to stay with them but his sister asked us to put them (can't remember the reason why) anyway the aunt and uncle gave his mother and his sister a present for providing lunch for them but for us nothing, we saved them a lot of money for putting them up instead of staying in a hotel and no thank you. I found it really rude and inconsiderate

Oh god. Thats rubbish but also reminds me when we had family to stay for the first time. They left mess everywhere, ate all the food then kept moaning that they were hungry. My brother in law with his house always says the TV is his ( fine) so for instance he puts on a horror movie at his and we went upstairs with our two year old so he didn't watch it. then he stays at my house and he tried taking over the TV all the time , on the second day I said no my 2 year old wants to watch Peppa pig and its our house, and he got a mood and went upstairs. The teens left mess everywhere and moaned they had a crap time even tho we drove them places they wanted to go. No one cooked or even touched the dish washer. Before they even got here. I got a moaning phonecall about how they were all expecting a real bed to sleep in not an air bed ( there's 5 of them for Christ sake, why would I have 5 spare beds?!?!)Annoying we paid for their train tickets to get here and spent loads of money on them and it was just awful.it's put me off ever inviting them again and as such I havent seen them for two years..

Anyway sorry my point is that you're not alone and if I was you I wouldn't have them again

This is familiar! I’ve never done this much for anyone but if I had I would be furious.

This is just contemptible!

Not wanting to trounce your experiences OP. Years ago, my husband's cousin's, son from Canada, aged about 24 travelling around Europe asked if he could stay with us. We said ok, at the time our children were about 14 and 10 both boys, so I got them to double up in older son's room so cousin wouldn't have to stay in the smallest spare room which was really an office. The first evening he moaned endlessly about the cost of travelling from Stansted around to where we lived, near Kingston. More than his flight from Spain allegedly! I think there was a subliminal "you could have driven out to pick me up" type of vibe going on. However, he stayed for over 2 weeks, fed him, put him up, didn't ask for any money, he did keep my sons amused with some skateboard moves which the older one was into at the time, but not so much as a box of chocolates as a token of gratitude. Moving on from us he was flying to Korea to teach English as a foreign language. My husband took him out to fairly nearby Heathrow, All well and good, or so we thought as we waved him off. A couple of hours later, we get a phone call from Canadian cousin, he wasn't allowed on the plane. Husband goes back to Heathrow to pick him up and takes him back to somewhere like Trailfinders where he'd purchased the ticket to ask what the problem was. It seems, and he was told clearly, he needed to buy a return ticket before he would be allowed into Korea, something to do with that being a requirement for a temporary visa. Of course he didn't have the money to buy this, so husband stumps up, it was a good few hundred pounds. Having the return part was some sort of formality. Once he'd got the requisite visa he could send the return part back to us and we would be rebated for that. Something like that, it was a good few years ago now. He was able to get on another flight, waved him off again with him promising to write and post this document back. Nothing! we waited about a month. Nada! no thank you for putting him up, feeding him, lending him money and no return ticket so we could get the money back. In the end we had to contact his mother in Canada, to get him to do what he was supposed to do, that came back without any covering letter of thanks. We never heard from the freeloading, ungrateful shite again!

You were unreasonable to continue to wait on them and chauffeur them around.

You should have said we haven't got enough space to accommodate the third person, she will need to book somewhere else.

I think the issue is the extra 30 year old!

Not all of us like confrontation....so I can appreciate why OP didn't say anything at the time....and not all of us can think of a quick comeback in the heat of the moment...it's only afterwards, in hindsight, that you kick yourself thinking I should have said such and such...

I do wonder if some parents just don't teach their kids any manners! Age doesn't seem to come into it.

@ImImmortalNowBabyDoll Yes, I can tell whose parents have taught manners when my (young adult) children's friends come over to hang out/for dinner, etc. Some are so polite and helpful, others not so much. I'm trying to teach my two that it's really important because I don't want them to behave like the guests in this scenario! Especially the 30-something who really should know better, she embarrassed herself tbh.

Yes!

I was generally a pretty thoughtful teen / young adult. Would always offer to help, etc.

However, I do recall behaving much like the guest in this OP when travelling as a 19 year old. No good reason - was just young, overwhelmed, and had a lapse. I'm still embarrased!

I wouldn't have said yes to the strange woman they'd picked up en route, that's weird & she shouldn't have expected it at her age. Yes, it's all rude of them bar the not loading the dishwasher thing - I hate people interfering with mine as I always have to re-do their efforts.

Completely ungrateful and rude! When I was travelling at that age and being hosted by family friends I helped out and bought presents.

How were they supposed to know what you thought if you didn’t tell them?

Because parents are supposed to teach basic manners. It isn't mind reading for people to understand what sorts of situations require a thank you.

However, I do recall behaving much like the guest in this OP when travelling as a 19 year old.

Yes there is something that flicks the brain into a very over-indulged mindset when on an OE.

No-one seems to want to communicate with anyone, preferring instead to wait until after the event and then moan about it on a chat forum.

Yes, and this is so much more satisfying and less awkward than confrontation!

But then your username does suggest you are all knowing!

But I agree: no mindreading required to thank a host.

Incredibly rude. I do think the shoestring budget plays a part in the rudeness of these young travellers though.