To be peeved by guests lack of gratitude

[ladycarlotta]

Posting as I need a sense check on this one please!

My partner's family live a long haul flight away. His 18 year old relative has been travelling Europe with another 18 year old (a relative of hers on the other side, so nothing to do with partner). We enthusiastically agreed they should stay with us for 3-4 nights and were obviously prepared to host, feed etc. I kind of saw it as paying forward the kind hospitality I received from family abroad during my own gap year.

They ended up asking if they could bring an additional friend, who is in her thirties who they'd met up with in Europe. We said it would be tight for space but yes, fine, prepared an extra bedroom (it's not a large house). The day they arrived my partner collected them from the airport and drove them to a local thing they wanted to see before bringing them back for a roast. They apologised they were too tired from their short haul flight to help clear up. Ok, fair enough, we did all that while handling our young kids.

And it's gone on like this! We've provided all meals. Breakfast, dinner, even packed lunches. They have never so much as loaded the dishwasher. They wanted to see a castle so partner drove us there in shifts as there wasn't space in the car for everyone. We suggested they take the train back but they didn't want to. At 9.45pm, one of them took an hour and a half bath in our only bathroom so nobody could get ready for bed. I feel like we're running a hotel? Like this is just expected? It's been really hard work to do this all on top of our usual life with two small kids and they don't express a whole lot of appreciation although they're quick to appear crestfallen if things don't live up to their expectations.

Anyway, they've gone now - I thought maybe they'd leave a bottle of wine or some chocolates, even a card? But no.

AIBU to have expected a bit of gratitude and help from them? One relative and two strangers staying in our house for free? I can kind of understand the teens being clueless but the adult? I would never stay at someone's house without bringing contributions, expressing appreciation, and offering to help. Maybe I've been unreasonable not to prompt them to do this but I've honestly just been expecting they'll do it and then being too surprised to articulate it when they don't. I also kind of feel it should be my partner's job to say something as he's actually related to one of them.

Is this normal? Am I the weird one?

Why did you let it go on? It should have been nipped in the bud the second day (I would make allowances for being tired after travelling).

And why did you agree to be a taxi etc as well and make their packed lunches??

You should have asked them to load the dishwasher, clean up, do a bit of a shop.

There's no need to be horrible about it, just firm. "X please could you do the dishwasher after breakfast" / "I'm afraid we can't fit in the car so you'll need to arrange a taxi to go to the castle" / "If you let me know what you want for lunch and send me the money I can pick it up at the shop" and so on...

Maybe I've been unreasonable not to prompt them to do this but I've honestly just been expecting they'll do it and then being too surprised to articulate it when they don't.

This is very Mumsnet.

No-one seems to want to communicate with anyone, preferring instead to wait until after the event and then moan about it on a chat forum.

They were rude and ignorant but you're an adult who was 'too surprised to articulate' anything for 3/4 nights???

That is shocking OP. My daughter same age has had similar hospitality in different parts of the world and I would be fuming at her if she behaved like this. She always would bring wine, help etc. I hate it went people are not grateful

I would expect more from a 30 year old but a couple of 18 year olds are probably not going to be quite so aware that they should be offering to help out with things, if they've not been taught how to be good guests.

So... you just ask them to help and you don't run around like a slave and bitch about it afterwards.

"Hi X, do you mind just helping with lunch? Sorry, I can't drop you at the castle, here is the bus timetable/ taxi numbers etc".

Lol it takes a village to raise a child they say and this was your opportunity to install some values into these fairly new to adult life people.

You should have asked for help clearing up.

The bathroom thing - I honestly would have banged on the door saying "oi mate, how much longer you gonna be in there? There's only the one bathroom you know". And the train "your gonna have to get the train home coz we've only the one car".

So I've voted YABU because you simply should have said something, provided some mature adult guidance towards then.

Because one of them is my partner's niece and tbh we'd probably be fine to do this if it were just her - she's a teenager and we'd always want to be a soft landing place for her. She's good with our kids and did do the big one's bedtime story which was nice.

Also her mother is just incredibly loving and generous and would extend hospitality to anyone, so my instinct was of course to do the same back. Mind you, when we stayed at theirs back when we were childfree and they had small kids, we cooked for them, took them out for a meal, occupied the kids and ran errands.

I think it's the addition of two extras that made the boundaries weird. We'd have probably embraced our niece in the child role but it's weird to do it for some randos, one of whom is a proper adult with a house and a job and pets at home.

Really shocking of them.

But I also think you should have spoken up/ been firm and told them you weren’t going to do these things!

Voted yabu- not because you are remotely being unreasonable but because it was entirely predictable that people of that age would behave that way. They will be mortified in 10 years time.

So yanbu, at all, but rest assured they will feel embarrassed when they're older.

You've done the nice.thimg, just remember that X

The 30 year old tagging along is weird. Why is she hanging out with teenagers? Why is she still living this strange bohemian lifestyle? Sounds like arrested development…

Also, you should have been more assertive. Instead of asking them to get the train back from the castle, you demanded they did. Rather than expecting them to offer to clean up, you ask them to and don’t accept no as an answer.

They sound rude and thoughtless. Even for a short weekend stay I would bring a bottle of wine and offer to do basic jobs like clearing the table or washing up. If the host refuses I don't push it as I don't really like people in my kitchen. I always let my host know what time I expect to arrive and leave on the day of departure in case they have other plans. For a longer stay I would take the host our for a meal. Nowadays I avoid staying with people as I prefer the comfort on my own home.

I said unreasonable, not because it’s not good manners to expect gratitude but your words are not ok, that they stayed with you for ‘ free. “ like who charges. You should have declined the third person. It feels like like you liked the idea of hosting and reciprocating but when it came to it. You really did not and resented the hell out of it,

Yeah, probably. Actually with the train thing I did say they should train it back but my partner then jumped in and said it would take them ages and he'd come back for them, which was unnecessary of him I think but they really didn't want to take the train anyway.

As per "it takes a village" - I assumed they had a village! They're from the sort of community where everyone helps everyone, people are praised for having a "servant's heart". SIL as I've said is giving to a fault. So I kind of didn't suspect that they wouldn't show gratitude because that's all they ever bloody do. Maybe we were shit hosts?

And here goes your lack of assertiveness again. You’re not the problem here, stop with the self doubt. You did a nice thing, they were all selfish in return.

I’m just surprised you didn’t ask for a little help. Of course, it would have been nice if they’d offered but some people need prodding!

18 is quite young and they may be used to parents doing everything for them and not even think about being grateful.
The 30 year old sounds like an opportunitist. In future you will know to refuse additional guests and be clear that your young relatives will have to entertain themselves for some of the visit.

No that's not true at all. I enjoy hosting. I was happy to.

But if a stranger offered me a room when I'd otherwise have booked a hotel (ie paid for it), I'd express appreciation. We live in an expensive city, she'd come along on a jolly, she'd never in her life met us. I think that's quite a different situation to inviting family to stay. And yes it's relevant that they stayed for free as they've all paid for accommodation as they've travelled to different places on this trip so we literally saved them money they'd otherwise have spent.

Tbh I think this is why I asked here, because I'm doubting myself massively! From my perspective we went above and beyond, which we were happy to do, but they don't seem to have seen it that way? So I'm genuinely wondering if there's a memo I missed, because if I were the guest in this situation I'd have acted differently.

Your first mistake was letting the 30 year old tag along, that’s pretty weird on its own.

Second mistake was catering to their nonsense behaviour. Offering a place to crash doesn’t include all the meals + shuttle service for sightseeing. If they’ve been travelling they know fully well how to get around.

Well they have no manners. Not to offer to help, not to give a gift.
They haven’t been raised very well.

Why the hell did you agree to that
Freeloaders even if one is a relative
They obviously thought they were enhancing your boring lives by their very presence
Once thing to take from this ..the more you give ,the more people take / expect

YANBU in that they were rude and ungrateful.

BUT, I do agree that in particular, with the teenagers, you should have said something. we've had teenage relatives stay with us and one in particular stayed first with SIL who had all these similar complaints. Then he came to stay with me and I just told him what I expected upfront or would call him down to help me unload the dishwasher or whatever and he was always willing, helpful and lovely.

Teenagers are completely clueless often and can slip into selfish mode without thinking.

I wouldn't have agreed to the additional friend - why the hell is a woman in her thirties latching on to two 18 year old lads?
Otherwise YANBU

The least they could have done is asked for your favourite meal, bought the ingredients and made it for you on their last night's stay. That's what I have done in these sorts of scenarios.

Yeah I think if it were just the teens I'd have chivvied them along - "hey can you chop this veg for me/stack the dishwasher" etc. They're perfectly nice girls they just weren't taking the initiative, and I do give them a pass for that. I'm sure I was also clueless at that age, although it was drummed into me to be a good guest.

Maybe the adult in loco parentis threw me off. She is a close family friend of theirs, I think I took a step back because of that. I'm trying to work out where it went wrong tbh.

I wouldn't have been happy with the random extra 30 year old tagging along. She could be a bad or good influence on two 18 year olds.