To be peeved by guests lack of gratitude

[ladycarlotta]

Posting as I need a sense check on this one please!

My partner's family live a long haul flight away. His 18 year old relative has been travelling Europe with another 18 year old (a relative of hers on the other side, so nothing to do with partner). We enthusiastically agreed they should stay with us for 3-4 nights and were obviously prepared to host, feed etc. I kind of saw it as paying forward the kind hospitality I received from family abroad during my own gap year.

They ended up asking if they could bring an additional friend, who is in her thirties who they'd met up with in Europe. We said it would be tight for space but yes, fine, prepared an extra bedroom (it's not a large house). The day they arrived my partner collected them from the airport and drove them to a local thing they wanted to see before bringing them back for a roast. They apologised they were too tired from their short haul flight to help clear up. Ok, fair enough, we did all that while handling our young kids.

And it's gone on like this! We've provided all meals. Breakfast, dinner, even packed lunches. They have never so much as loaded the dishwasher. They wanted to see a castle so partner drove us there in shifts as there wasn't space in the car for everyone. We suggested they take the train back but they didn't want to. At 9.45pm, one of them took an hour and a half bath in our only bathroom so nobody could get ready for bed. I feel like we're running a hotel? Like this is just expected? It's been really hard work to do this all on top of our usual life with two small kids and they don't express a whole lot of appreciation although they're quick to appear crestfallen if things don't live up to their expectations.

Anyway, they've gone now - I thought maybe they'd leave a bottle of wine or some chocolates, even a card? But no.

AIBU to have expected a bit of gratitude and help from them? One relative and two strangers staying in our house for free? I can kind of understand the teens being clueless but the adult? I would never stay at someone's house without bringing contributions, expressing appreciation, and offering to help. Maybe I've been unreasonable not to prompt them to do this but I've honestly just been expecting they'll do it and then being too surprised to articulate it when they don't. I also kind of feel it should be my partner's job to say something as he's actually related to one of them.

Is this normal? Am I the weird one?

Sometimes you need to take the hat off.

The 2 18 year old's wouldn't have bothered me and if they did I would have used my words.

But YABU for letting some random grifter stay in your home. I would have laughed had my niece suggested it. The freeloader in question clearly lives her life this way and all you can do is say no to anything similar in future.

We have hosted young relatives from overseas though, and our 19dd has done the same. In both cases gifts to the host were given. From our side, I took responsibility for making sure dd behaved properly and thanked her hosts suitably.

At 18 they need prompting, at 30 that is just how they are.

What was dirán supposed to be?

My friend lives in San Francisco- she gets the cheekiest fuckers visiting from the UK- it’s taken a while but she now says no. One family arrived with no car and no plans - she fed and carted them around for 2 weeks - I can’t believe she did it!
Are your family from Australia/New Zealand because I’ve heard others say that’s a thing - go to your European family and take full advantage. I’ve spoken my resistance before I’ve been asked!😁

I vote YABU because every thread like this boils down to the op and family being doormats. Yes, they're rude, but YABU for.tolerating it. How hard is it to say 'right, your turn to tidy up tonight!' 'you need to take the train back because driving won't work for us at this time' etc.

Also, letting strangers stay in your house when you have young children isn't the best idea

I like this point: its the sort of thing I find easier to say. I can refer to a principle that is not directly related to their behaviour!

Prime example of why this next generation is the way it is. Speak up!!

Completely off topic - but, what a fantastic story! Thank you for sharing.

Because if you are the sort of person kind enough to do favours for extended family members, then you are probably someone who wouldn't dream of remonstrating with guests.

And nor should she have to fhs! Anyone who is half decent should know how to behave when accepting hospitality!

It’s the guest’s fault for not stepping up and for abusing op’s welcome.

Your DH should tell his dister how badly the niece behaved.

Bonkers to allow one of them to use the bathroom for that length of time, I'd have been banging on the door after 15 minutes! You've unfortunately brought this on yourself by saying nothing at the time.

You're welcome. It was the theme of over-entitled young guests that struck a chord with OP's situation.

How rude. I would be mortified if my daughter acted like this, ungrateful and rude. Manners and respect are one of the free accessible qualities in life.
Yanbu.

I’m wondering if they’re from a place where the phrase ‘having a servant’s heart’ is praised, and they’re female, they’re used to a lot of, erm, ‘direction’? And you didn’t direct them enough …

No idea what the 39 year old ‘family friend’s excuse was, though. Were they a bad influence, would you say? I’d probably have chucked a fit at this one by Day 3 for being a nearly-forty-year-old cheeky fucker, dressed up as them being a worrying poor role model for the beloved niece.

ETA: updated detail from OP!

Well, you’ve paid it forward. Debt fulfilled. Wouldn’t bother again.

And yes, it was not unreasonable to expect some token gesture of gratitude or, frankly, manners.

I voted that you are unreasonable because of their ages. People can say all day long that 18 year olds are adults, but that’s only legally so. Maturity wise, they are children, period. Their brains aren’t even fully developed at that age and won’t be for another SEVERAL years. I would not expect teens to show gratitude or otherwise be considerate. It would be great if they were, but teens are ultimately self centered. As for the 30 year old, if he or she is hanging out with 18 year olds, then I would expect a low level of maturity and, frankly, something mentally wrong with them. As such, I wouldn’t expect adult behavior from them either.

and no doubt people will say that THEIR teen is different, so OP should be able to expect teens to behave better. Yeah, sure. Your teen defies all of the stereotypes and stages of brain development, but these ones don’t, so OP is silly for expecting it.

Indeed, down to (I paraphrase): “She didn't even bring a bottle of wine but keeps drinking my Cabernet Sauvignon”. :)

Not turning this into a generation thing but there are a few chancers out there these days who are used to getting freebies on social media. In fact, many of them call themselves influencers. We used to call them moochers.

If you’re old enough to travel by yourself then you’re old enough to understand basic manners. Sure, if money is tight buy a bottle of wine or at least offer to tidy up a bit.

It’s no excuse for ingratitude, rudeness and selfishness. Children learn good behaviour.

My husband has 2 brothers living in UK ( aged 70 & 77). The younger brother visits us here in Aus every couple of years for a month at a time and falls over himself to help, contribute towards costs and always gives us a wonderful gift on leaving.
The other older brother rarely contacts unless he wants ‘free’ accommodation. When he does come here, last time all he contributed in his long stay here was a carton of milk & a loaf of bread!

Needless to say I have told husband I do not want this older brother coming back again after two totally free long stays with us!!

I always take a gift and help out even when just staying with friends for a weekend. Some folks are clueless when it comes to manners and no matter that your niece was one of your 3 guests, I think they were all incredibly rude but especially the 30 yr old hanger on.

i trust you won’t be offering ‘free’ accommodation to the trio again!!!

You are not unreasonable to feel peeved. You are unreasonable to have enabled this behaviour by not challenging it at all.

I honestly think you should send a message to the neice. Say it was lovely to see her but if she is staying with any more family or friends she will be more welcome if she helps out with household chores and shows gratitude for the hospitality received. If her mum is as lovely as you say, she would surely be disappointed in her daughter.

I also voted YABU because I don’t know why you expected them to be mind-readers and guess that despite you seemingly doing all of this for them voluntarily & willingly, you were silently seething.

Don’t make lunchpacks if you don’t want to! Say could you please help in clearing up! Knock on the bathroom door and say that you need to use the bathroom for your children!

How were they supposed to know what you thought if you didn’t tell them?

I think OP was too surprised to articulate lack of a bottle or wine/card in leaving. I took her explanation of the being kinda rude and useless as a build up for the aibu; was I being unreasonable to expect at least chocolates/a thank you? Yanbu op!!

I seem to be entirely against the grain. When I have visitors, I am happy to host. I neither need nor want them chipping in or thanking me or buying gifts. If they have plans and we can join, we’ll join, if they need a lift I’ll take them. I’ve offered them hospitality and that’s what they get. It’s only a few days, if I couldn’t manage that, I’d say sorry not this time.