To be peeved by guests lack of gratitude

[ladycarlotta]

Posting as I need a sense check on this one please!

My partner's family live a long haul flight away. His 18 year old relative has been travelling Europe with another 18 year old (a relative of hers on the other side, so nothing to do with partner). We enthusiastically agreed they should stay with us for 3-4 nights and were obviously prepared to host, feed etc. I kind of saw it as paying forward the kind hospitality I received from family abroad during my own gap year.

They ended up asking if they could bring an additional friend, who is in her thirties who they'd met up with in Europe. We said it would be tight for space but yes, fine, prepared an extra bedroom (it's not a large house). The day they arrived my partner collected them from the airport and drove them to a local thing they wanted to see before bringing them back for a roast. They apologised they were too tired from their short haul flight to help clear up. Ok, fair enough, we did all that while handling our young kids.

And it's gone on like this! We've provided all meals. Breakfast, dinner, even packed lunches. They have never so much as loaded the dishwasher. They wanted to see a castle so partner drove us there in shifts as there wasn't space in the car for everyone. We suggested they take the train back but they didn't want to. At 9.45pm, one of them took an hour and a half bath in our only bathroom so nobody could get ready for bed. I feel like we're running a hotel? Like this is just expected? It's been really hard work to do this all on top of our usual life with two small kids and they don't express a whole lot of appreciation although they're quick to appear crestfallen if things don't live up to their expectations.

Anyway, they've gone now - I thought maybe they'd leave a bottle of wine or some chocolates, even a card? But no.

AIBU to have expected a bit of gratitude and help from them? One relative and two strangers staying in our house for free? I can kind of understand the teens being clueless but the adult? I would never stay at someone's house without bringing contributions, expressing appreciation, and offering to help. Maybe I've been unreasonable not to prompt them to do this but I've honestly just been expecting they'll do it and then being too surprised to articulate it when they don't. I also kind of feel it should be my partner's job to say something as he's actually related to one of them.

Is this normal? Am I the weird one?

Failed to plan (tell them tge rules), plan to fail.

I definitely knew how to be a decent guest by 18.

I think the BU bit is not about expecting gratitude but about putting yourself out so much in the first place. You are not responsible for some random 31 year old traveller. The first thing would have been to say no to that. You're not responsible for the two (also random) 18-year-olds either, but you decided you would be and that was a nice thing to do, but not at all necessary. The second thing would be not to have your DP driving them around (in shifts!) at their beck and call. Also the bath situation is ridiculous. There were no boundaries or ground rules on your part and guess what, they've taken advantage of you. And now you're understandably resentful. The saying 'no good deed goes unpunished' springs to mind. I'm sorry, but lay the law down from now on.

I do give them a pass for that

No, don't. At 18 I knew how to be a grateful guest and contribute, give thanks etc. The woman in her 30s should certainly know. I can't believe as a group they had no idea about any of this or that you let them get away with it. You don't have to be mean, just tell them what's expected of them as guests in your home and set some standards. If they don't like it they have a choice: shape up or ship out!

Sorry Op you were taken advantage of.

I actually think I'd have to say something to the family member - I would lean heavily on criticising the stranger - I would actually be worried if it was my teenager going around with such thoughtless selfish older people??

It's definitely a very strange dynamic that a total stranger - in their 30s - would come and lean on your hospitality in this way - there is just no reason for them to do that in normal society!

I have to say you are very kind - I would under no circumstances have a random adult in my family home.

But - you did the nice thing - I just think it sounds like they were badly led by the adult.

If you want to help the teens behave better I would feed some of this back

basically the adult 'stole' your hospitality from a young family member who you would have been happy to care for.

I can sort of understand the 18 year olds but not the 30 plus woman. It's actually a bit odd that she was travelling with them anyway? Very strange behaviour.

The 30 year old thing is weird. Why were they tagging along with 2 18 year olds? I don’t think I would have let my 18 year old niece’s 30 year old friend crash with me in the first place.

I agree with this OP: it isn't unreasonable to expect it, but having hosted family in their late teens from all over the world, it does seem to be internationally quite common behaviour from that demographic when doing their big OE!

There is almost a sense of victimhood about it - as if we should all somehow take pity on them that they are trying to have the time of their lives on a shoestring and the smell of an oily rag.😂

The bit that got me really seething was being told when I needed to top up on groceries that I had only got in in the first place because one of them "needed" it. "Just so you know, it has run out." Gee thanks for letting me know but I don't actually need or want it! If you do, try the supermarket now you have settled in: we have them in this country too - and you walked right past it going to that trendy cafe for lunch!

I think the teens are probably within normal behaviour, but the 30 year sounds odd. Sounds like a professional user to me. I can't imagine being 30 and going to stay with family of much younger people I hardly knew. I mean that bit is odd before you add in the rudeness towards you.

I think you can have a clear conscience you looked after them well - and start lining their relatives up for a return visit from your clueless 18 year olds!

Oh and I forgot the time I was asked to please organise my laundry before they got in one evening, as they would be needing the washing machine free to put a couple of washes through!

No idea why you allowed this to continue. "Can you load the dishwasher while I put the kids to bed". Etc

You get what you accept

I suppose when you have a rucksack and limited funds, a family home with tumble dryers and baths etc probably seems like a resource of unlimited luxury and no skin off your nose to let them make use of it.

In all honesty, at a societal level you do see this thinking: oh well, they are rich, why shouldn't they contribute more for X, share Y etc. Perhaps it is quite deeply lodged in the human psyche and comes out when short on resources.

YANBU but you let them take you for mugs. Why did you do all that?

Yes, it is easy to think that from outside the situation, but when you are hosting it is incredibly hard to be abrupt about these things. It doesn't go with the hosting hat!

Very rude but I would have said something

I'm sure there is. But even short of a massive showdown, saying, for instance, "do you mind picking up your own groceries? I'm providing you with the meals we all eat so if you want to go off piste and have your own choices, maybe you could fund that. I have budgeted the meals with ingredients I tend to use and am familiar with."

I mean that isn't unreasonable but still hard to say - to the point you wonder if just bunging it on Ocado isn't easier in the long run.

It is but it is a shift from host to family.

I think that is where these things get tricky: they are kind of playing the benefits of both those relationships.

1. yes, it was rude of them not to offer to tidy up or wash up.
2. yes, it was rude to hog the bathroom
3. yes, it is rude that you've not received a thank you for them
4. yes, it's worse that the 30 odd yo behaved the same as the teenagers
5. you should've bloody raised it with them at the time

all of these things can be true at the same time.

"please can you hurry up Jess, I need to bath the kids as it's bedtime and Tony needs a shit"
"your turn to do the washing up tonight girls, there's the cloth, there's the tea towel, crack on"
"hi Margot, yeah, it was lovely having Lucy and her mates stay with us, I've not heard from them since. No, you're right it would've been nice to get a thank you"
"so, Vicky, what's it like hanging out with 18 year olds again? glad we could help you all out with somewhere to stay but as grown up to grown up, I could really do with some help here. Like, we're not an Air BnB y'know. I'm so happy to host you all but it's bloody hard working and looking after the kids and then cleaning up and running around after you lot to. I'd really appreciate it if you could all muck in, don't suppose you could have a gentle word with the others could you?"

It's wild of them. Honestly. When my uni mate and I once missed our last train home after getting back to the UK in a ferry, a really kind couple put us up for the night to save us spending our money on a hostel. As soon as we were back at our house share we ordered chocolates and flowers for them and wrote a long thank you card. And that was only for one night!

I think there's something in that 18 year old 'travelling' phase where the mentality is do everything as cheaply as you can and to avoid paying for as much as possible. If someone says 'you can doss on my floor for the night' you take them up on it. If your pal says we could visit Wales because my uncle lives there and we can stay at his for free for a week - you jump at it.

And sometimes in that mindset they can forget that actually they're not dosssing on your floor, but are visiting with family and and being fed and hosted as part of that, and that they should think more about helping out and expressing gratitude.

tbh if a 30 year old is embarking on that kind of lifestyle and is happy to join up with 2 teenagers, piggy-backing on their visit to a relative, they are possibly not going to share many of your own social conventions.

However at least they wanted to spend time with you and eat with you... one of my oldest friends (now moved to London) has a 20 year old daughter (Daisy), who I thought I knew quite well. Daisy and her friend Violet were coming to visit the city I live in and my friend asked if I could put them up for a couple of nights.

Of course I would.

They arrived tired and immediately went to their room for a rest. Next thing I knew was the doorbell ring, and a delivery person with pizza. Daisy popped her head out out of her room - yes that's for us. Pizza(s) then disappeared into the bedroom for consumption. Didn't ask if I'd wanted to order pizza when they were, or offer to share with me. They just used the bedroom like a student dorm.

Next morning I offered breakfast.. "no thanks we'll get something when we're out." Fair enough. While Violet was in the bathroom and getting ready, Daisy gave me 10 minutes of her time, during which I explained all the public transport options (very good). "We'll just get an uber, it's easier". Off they went. Returned later in the day, got Chinese food delivered, got another uber and went out for the evening.

In the morning there was a couple of hours of showering, hair-drying, music playing in their room. Uber arrived and they left. "Bye moderndilemma, thanks. See you again sometime."

I was utterly bemused.

Agree.
My kids are regularly bringing friends home to stay.
Sometimes they are out drinking, will run into a buddy who doesn't want to go home early and was stuck for a bed for the night.
They will text and ask is it ok if they stay.

This has happened dozens of times.
Without exception, all lovely respectful, appreciative young people, just like my kids.

These were dragged up without a doubt.