To be peeved by guests lack of gratitude

[ladycarlotta]

Posting as I need a sense check on this one please!

My partner's family live a long haul flight away. His 18 year old relative has been travelling Europe with another 18 year old (a relative of hers on the other side, so nothing to do with partner). We enthusiastically agreed they should stay with us for 3-4 nights and were obviously prepared to host, feed etc. I kind of saw it as paying forward the kind hospitality I received from family abroad during my own gap year.

They ended up asking if they could bring an additional friend, who is in her thirties who they'd met up with in Europe. We said it would be tight for space but yes, fine, prepared an extra bedroom (it's not a large house). The day they arrived my partner collected them from the airport and drove them to a local thing they wanted to see before bringing them back for a roast. They apologised they were too tired from their short haul flight to help clear up. Ok, fair enough, we did all that while handling our young kids.

And it's gone on like this! We've provided all meals. Breakfast, dinner, even packed lunches. They have never so much as loaded the dishwasher. They wanted to see a castle so partner drove us there in shifts as there wasn't space in the car for everyone. We suggested they take the train back but they didn't want to. At 9.45pm, one of them took an hour and a half bath in our only bathroom so nobody could get ready for bed. I feel like we're running a hotel? Like this is just expected? It's been really hard work to do this all on top of our usual life with two small kids and they don't express a whole lot of appreciation although they're quick to appear crestfallen if things don't live up to their expectations.

Anyway, they've gone now - I thought maybe they'd leave a bottle of wine or some chocolates, even a card? But no.

AIBU to have expected a bit of gratitude and help from them? One relative and two strangers staying in our house for free? I can kind of understand the teens being clueless but the adult? I would never stay at someone's house without bringing contributions, expressing appreciation, and offering to help. Maybe I've been unreasonable not to prompt them to do this but I've honestly just been expecting they'll do it and then being too surprised to articulate it when they don't. I also kind of feel it should be my partner's job to say something as he's actually related to one of them.

Is this normal? Am I the weird one?

Some adults are shit like this too side eyes SIL. It is what it is.

I think you now know why the random 30 year old is tagging along with 2 teenagers and hasn’t got mates her own age to travel with.

All your guests behaved badly but the 30 year old's behaviour was by far the worst as they should have had the maturity to see how ungrateful and bad mannered they were being. 18 year olds aren't fully mature and can still be childish and young enough to take other people's hospitality for granted, particularly as your DH is family.

Yes you are the weird one. Why the heck did you do all that for total strangers? I've never heard anything like it! Ferrying them around, cooking, cleaning for them. They were "too exhausted" to help clean up that night but not too tired to go to the event!

They didn't actually ask for any of this. You laid it all out on a plate and treated them like royalty. You served yourselves up as mugs, and they treated you exactly as you taught them to.

Sounds very similar to my husbands cousin. She stayed with us for several weeks, supposedly looking for her own place. Admittedly she organised her own food and transport but she barely spoke to me at all, spent every evening shut in her room, went back to her house shared with her ex every weekend. When she finally left, we never heard from her again, no note, no gift she didn't even say Thank you on her way out. Despite her new flat being within walking distance of hours she posted back the books my husband had leant her!

I would never not say thank you to someone who had put me up for any length of time, especially someone who has fed me and taken me places, even bought a thankyou card and small gift for the host of an Airbnb that we paid for. They sound very rude and i would not invite them back. If you are in contact with the relatives parents/other senior relation drop their behaviour into conversation and see if they are spoken too, i know I would be.

I was clueless at 18, but the 30 year old had no excuse!
But in your place if have done exactly what I did when we hosted an exchange student, and simply asked them to help empty the dishwasher/clear the table/whatever.

YANBU but people seem to be raising their kids these days to be very entitled and to lack any consideration or empathy for others.

I wouldn’t have had a clue at 18.

Unless they have some kind of medical condition, being tired from travelling is not an excuse not to help clear up the first night-and you both should have nipped it in the bud there. Teenagers are famously self-involved, but it's up to the adults round them to insist on decent behaviour, so only offer what you're happy to so, and don't give into sulking if they don't want to catch a train etc.

I've had numerous house guests for anywhere between a few days and several months. Young people who are partners of my DC, or friends, relatives etc. The only way to do this without feeling resentful and put upon is to only offer what you're happy to, and understand that there will not necessarily be a correlation between how much you give and how much you're appreciated. So do only what works for you and be clear on your offer from the start.
For example, I'll offer a room if there's one going, because that's no cost or bother. But anything that is inconvenient or costs me, I establish boundaries from the off.
So, yes, no problem Harry staying here for the week, and he's welcome to eat with us on Saturday, but after that he needs to sort his own food out and tidy up after himself.
After the initial straight talking, it's not a problem to mention it if they're not keeping to the deal.

Well like I said, one of them is a niece and we wouldn't have an issue with including her with our own kids in this way.

It's nice to collect travelers from the airport.

And if we'd had any guests staying and wanted to do an activity that required extra car spaces we'd put our heads together as a group and come up with a solution. Which is what we thought we were doing but they acted v much like it was our problem to solve and this was only the second day and we wanted to be good hosts.

I don't think I've conveyed how slow burn and attritional this was - just a slow realisation that it wasn't first day exhaustion, they simply weren't going to step up, ever. They were just relaxing into us laying everything on which wasn't the intention, I expected there'd be some give and take and didn't at first see that actually it was all take.

I can’t quite believe you let a random 30 year old stay at your house! And it was just someone they met in Europe?? A teen niece and her friend is one thing but I’m sort of astounded at the 30 year old!

I'd have just refused anything I didn't want to do. And tell them straight, not rudely. Go to the shop and buy some stuff for the house please, we need xyz.

If they didn't want to help clean up after dinner I would stop cooking for them.

And if they want to see a castle I'd tell them to Google the nearest one and they can make their own way to the train station to get there.

They sound really annoying and they've been travelling independently all over Europe for weeks so why do they need so much hand holding?

I do wonder if some parents just don't teach their kids any manners! Age doesn't seem to come into it.

A friend of ours in his 50s comes to ours regularly, eats double the amount everyone else eats and never brings a bottle of wine or offers to tidy up. But when he invited us to his for a "party" (only time we've ever been invited there!) and I brought a few snacks and a bottle of nice wine thinking I'd add them to the buffet it turned out he hadn't even bought a bag of crisps or any drinks apart from his own beer! We have learned now to specifically state our expectations, e.g. "You are welcome to come to dinner, we are having lamb so bring a bottle of red."

My husband's cousin in his 20s has learning disabilities so seems much younger, but he never arrives empty handed, immediately does any task he sees that needs doing and will also usually pop out to the shops at some point and come home with groceries and gifts for my daughter.

And in case you were wondering, the friend is extremely wealthy via an inheritance and has minimal outgoings (single, mortgage free, childfree), the cousin lives on PIP, only has voluntary work, and supports his son far more than maintenance requirements.

As a parent, I'd be so ashamed if my child did this.

Actually she's late 30s. Even weirder. But she's a family friend they know well who was also in Europe. I thought it was a bit weird but again have a lot of regard for my niece's mum and didn't think she'd have such a crappy friend.

Honestly it sounds like your SIL spoils your niece and the other two just followed her lead. It can be quite difficult, especially for young people, to work out how someone else’s house works.

I’d have given them a bit of time to get over the travel but then just explained to them- “We’re a really busy household and we are both working so you’ll need to chip in. Please can you do X, Y and Z whilst you’re here. I’m not going to charge you rent but if you could largely get your own lunches that would be great.”

If they didn’t do it/ took the piss, first I would speak to the SIL to see if she could read the niece the riot act in private, and then I would be clear to the guests that they either needed to chip in or find somewhere else to stay. Not in a nasty way, just quite matter of fact.

On the travel that was your DH’s fault so I don’t think you can blame the guests. But he’s mad, if they are travelling around the world, surely they can manage a train to Kent or wherever?

You were a mug.
It happens.

Use this as your excuse not to be caught again.
They are all obviously dragged up not to have had basic manners.

You and h were mugs for putting up with such behaviour in the first place. Taxi services, meals, lunches for days out? Plus an extra unknown random person in your home?
I couldn't be doing with any of that total piss take, relatives or not.

Most 18 year olds should have basic manners regardless, even if they were as thick as two short planks. It's no excuse.

Obviously they should pitch in and not be so demanding. But hey, it's working for them so there you go! They have left now so move on. Next time, if there's a next time, show a bit of spine, or just indulge them knowingly and warm heartedly. Moaning about something like this after the fact is the worst and does nothing but make you feel even more exploited

I had brilliant manners. But I found staying at people’s houses as awkward as fuck and had no idea what to do or how to approach thanks and help. I used to get awful anxiety over it, it still makes me feel panicky now.

You need to say something. Either very tactfully to your niece or contact the weird late-30’s tag along! If you have a way of contacting them, I guess. No it won’t help you now, but I would want them to feel thoroughly ashamed of themselves. I cannot stand ungrateful people, they are my biggest pet peeve.
Even at 18, I’d have been cleaning, cooking, taking you & your DH out for a meal etc. I’d never, ever behave like this.

Just to add to my earlier post (I know I sounded harsh). I have hosted so many young people over the years, I've lost count. My son went to uni in another country, and came back to visit x2 a year. I hosted his first girlfriend, who I'd never met, but she jumped straight into cooking and cleaning. Always coming up to me, hugging and thanking me.

I also hosted many of the mates he brought back (lots were studying as international, so were English, like my son, and Scottish). Apart from one slightly strange guy, they all helped.

Then more recently, since we moved north, we hosted our son's second girlfriend three times, and she was a very keen baker! I had cakes and bakes foisted on me every day - bliss! She also washed up, looked after our new puppy when I came down with Covid one time they came to stay, went out and bought food for me, etc.

I just think your bunch were dragged up. As for the 30-something year old, I have no words. Bad enough the kids were rude. I had manners at 18 because it was drilled into me.

I’d have been fine with a couple of 18 year olds , they just need a bit of guidance really but throw in a random 30+ grown adult into the mix and the dynamics get very weird indeed.
How do you guide a fully fledged adult ?
Do you talk to the three of them as one group ?
Is the older one in charge ?

It’s all a bit icky, even more so in a house with one bathroom !

I would say they were rude and entitled and very lucky that you didn’t choose to call them out on their behaviour. You were being too kind and should have done.
I live in a one bathroom house and if I’d not said anything about their attitude before then this would have been the straw that broke my back and I would have been banging on the door.
The age and family connections of your guests is irrelevant - being 18 is not an excuse for lack of manners and 30 is not too old to be reminded about the need to be considerate to others.